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My story...your thoughts?

Old 05-08-2011, 09:56 PM
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My story...your thoughts?

Where to begin? Was last on here over a year ago, when I took down my account and changed my log in name because RAH found my account (I was dumb enough to use a name he would guess and I found that he was copying and pasting my posts to try to use them against me).

We have now been separated for 20 months, ever since he had a breakdown when he was drunk and almost shot himself on our D's bday. Leading up to the almost suicide he had been constantly drunk for over 3 months, since he had lost his last job. I left soon after his almost suicide, and he was committed for a week to a treatment center. Over the last 20 months we have been in a holding pattern: I don't file for divorce or child support in hopes things will get better. I work more than 40 hours a week, support our kids alone (except when he gives me money- 20 bucks a week or so started about a month ago), and feel miserable. Since June of 09 he has not had a job (just got one end of March- a guy with 2 college degrees a waiter!!!) He has not paid the house note or any other bill except to keep something from getting cut off. He wants to talk about how my abandonment of him has affected him and how detrimental it has been to his recovery- this sounds like blaming me for his problems and avoiding his issues.

Until about a month ago, RAH was in fact recovering- got to 18 months sober. About a week ago I smelled beer on his breath as he was leaving my house and I went inside and broke down in tears for over half an hour. The "reason" he drank again was that I said working on things with him was a mistake. This was ugly of me to say. I said it because I got angry when AH criticized me for not using my 2 college degrees appropriately- that 2 part time jobs was not good enough. This from a penniless guy with 2 degrees himself who was out of work a year and a half!

Like I said I have been gone for 20 months and have not gotten anywhere with myself. I have been to Al Anon meetings 2 times a week for long periods, but due to working 2 jobs, caring for 2 kids, and let's face it- sometimes fooling myself into thinking I had everything under control- I have not really worked the program well or gotten a sponsor.

I don't know why I am holding on. My AH stopped paying the mortgage over a year ago and by some miracle is still in the house. Guess it is the backlog of foreclosures. He has completely ruined my credit. I asked him over 18 months ago when I left, to focus on getting a job and showing responsibility, and then I would be more likely to feel safe about rebuilding a life with him. His response? That he should not have to jump through hoops for me. My love should not be conditional. I still waited, though, and here we are 20 months down the road. He finally got a job as a waiter about a month ago- the same time frame in which he began drinking.The kids live with me most of the time- they love AH to death but are also afraid of him- beg me not to tell him when they get into trouble because they fear his reaction.

Because of my financial situation I quit 2 part time jobs last year that I loved in order to take one I knew would stress me out (public school teacher), since my kids and I needed benefits and I wanted to rebuild retirement (AH cleaned ours out to live on during early recovery). I had a nervous breakdown after working in the public school for 3 months. Could not handle the pressure- getting there early, leaving late, taking home work with me. I am constantly trying to put too much on myself- perfect mom, housekeeper, money earner, etc... and I cannot do it. I carry around enormous guilt over not being able to give my kids the 2 parent healthy childhood I want them to have, and also spend too much time wondering what was so bad about me that someone loved beer more than he loved me. He almost always picked drinking alone over spending time with me! And now with him drinking again my hopes for things to get better are dashed. I wonder if he is the best I could ever get.

I dunno if u can follow this, I am rambling so much. I want things to get better for me and my kids but don't know how. I spent 3 months in intensive outpatient therapy back in the fall after my nervous breakdown, left the public school, and found 2 part time jobs to take its place. I am not as happy as I was a year ago. I am back to feeling out of control, even though I at least have enough money now. I am not sure how long I can hold up working 50 hour weeks and parenting 2 kids while he plays waiter and gets drunk again.

Complicating things considerably is that during the time I have been separated a man I once worked with became interested in me. I confided in him about my issues and he listened and made me feel so good about myself, and I really began to feel positive that at least one man out there would be healthy and good for me once I made my decision to stay or go from AH. WRONG Nothing physical happened but some mutual friends of ours assumed physical things were going on, and lost respect for both of us. This man was encouraging the friends to think in that direction, apparently. I discovered after a few months that this man seems to be a pathological liar who forgets what he has lied about and his stories keep changing. He will casually come out with shocking information such as having had a sexual relationship with a male college professor to avoid failing a class for cheating- and then change the details or deny telling me. He has threatened me with exposing some of my dirty laundry when I have tried to cut off contact. I finally called the cops on him and that made him leave me alone for a week. If I ignore him, he is constantly (supposedly) getting medical test results that indicate he is dying, and then does not die. Out of concern I usually call to check on him then feel colossally stupid. As I write this I am amazed at how sick this person is, and yet I still often accept his calls because I am dumb enough to believe that somewhere he cares about me!!! i also am amazed at how sick I must be to keep falling for it and let myself be controlled by threats.

I look in the mirror and ask myself how life got this way? I have 2 colleges degrees, I am reasonably nice, and okay looking....how did things become such a mess? If you can help me and can follow my ramblings, this is where I KNOW I need help:

***how can I move past the indecision about my AH? I have consulted with an attorney about a divorce 3 times now, most recently last week. All AH has to do is start flirting and be sweet (watch the kids, come over and clean my house, etc) and I begin to rethink things.

***How do I start to rebuild my self-esteem? I have the classic codie problem with trusting my own judgement, and look to the info I have given u on my previous decisions to prove to myself that I cannot be trusted to make good decisions.

***AM I wrong to expect AH to be more responsible before a relationship could happen? I don't think so but as I said I don't trust myself....

***What to do about the other guy who won't leave me alone?

Any advice from people who have been there appreciated. Look forward to getting to know you, hope it will help. Can't make it to the Al Anon meeting I like very often.
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Old 05-08-2011, 11:04 PM
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Hi! welcome...
Others will come along soon to greet you...

#1 Therapy
#2 Therapy

#3 No you are not wrong, that is completely reasonable although I would doubt the man would change and I would not trust him again, with money, or with anything.

As for #4, block his number, ignore him when he calls, hang up, or change your number so he can't bug you again. If he shows up anywhere near you, call the police, get a restraining order. He is dangerous and I don't think you need more stress in your life. I was recently stalked by an ex at the gym and it made me very very angry and I felt so sad for myself. I have values. I work too much. I deserve some peace during my day and there he was watching me all throughout my gym class. You also deserve more peace in your day, to allow clarity of mind.

My humble opinion as an outsider.


This is a great site, I am glad you are here you are not helpless and definitely not alone.
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Old 05-09-2011, 06:21 AM
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Thank you

I appreciate your thoughts and support. I am so fed up with being tired, feeling like a bad person, and feeling like I have nothing to look forward to. I am sure I am depressed but when I took meds before I was a jittery mess and hated it. I just want to feel better and get happier. I wish like heck I could do that with AH . No one wants to believe a person they spent 14 years with is not good for them. I still struggle with an old habit when I am around him, of living in AH's reality. If he thinks it, I try to make it make sense to me!

Thanks for welcoming me- I feel like a newbie after being gone for a year. I know I have to get better for my kids and for me.
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:00 AM
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Welcome back to the SR family!

Do you have time to read a few chapters of a book each week? If so, I recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

It helped me to start looking at my reactions to others as a place to begin working on myself. I was reacting to my AH's words and trying to make everything okay for him. In my confused head: If everything was okay for him, then I would be okay. Not true.

I don't have enough power to make life okay for another adult. That is not my purpose in life.

My life if important and I needed to take steps to make myself feel important. I needed to take care of me and let the other adult in my life take care of his stuff. I needed to detach from his stuff. I needed to set boundaries for myself (keep myself out of old patterns) and I needed to learn to take care of myself.

I also needed patience with myself. I didn't arrive in the situation overnight, and it was going to take time to repair the situation.

SR, Alanon and self-improvement books have helped me. Let us know how we can help you begin your recovery journey.
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:16 AM
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back to SR

It sounds like your picker is broken just like mine.

I found I couldn't have a healthy relationship w/another till I worked through some of my issues.

It also doesn't have anything to do w/how smart a person is or how many degrees one has its an emotional sickness a need to be loved and not feeling whole unless I am in a loving relationship.

I hope you find the time to go back to Alanon because those people are the ones who are going to help.

Your not alone there are many of us just like you so hang in there.
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Old 05-09-2011, 01:32 PM
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Welcome back.
I lost concentration and focus when I saw this:
The "reason" he drank again was
and had to start by commenting on that.
Because you know what the reason he drank again was, right?
Because he chose to drink again.
That's all.
Had nothing to do with you.
Whatsoever.
At.
All.

You're already supporting the children on your own. Life's not going to be any worse without him. On the contrary.

I am so fed up with being tired, feeling like a bad person, and feeling like I have nothing to look forward to. I am sure I am depressed but when I took meds before I was a jittery mess and hated it. I just want to feel better and get happier.
I was on antidepressants for 8 years. I haven't needed them since I left my AH. Back then, I felt like life was just "same sh*t, different day" and there wasn't a thing I looked forward to. Matter of fact, when my AH in an effort of proving his love to me gave me Mother's Day "off" last year, I couldn't think of a thing I wanted to do. Now, I feel like the best part of my life is ahead of me. I wake up with hope instead of dread in my heart.

I know that's just my story. But I want to let you know that -- was it LaTeeDa again? I seem to be quoting her a lot lately -- as someone here said, "The grass really is greener on this side" of an alcoholic marriage.
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:02 PM
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Hi and welcome back to SR.

Sometimes, when my house is messy
or I have a TON of homework ...

the thought of cleaning or studying
paralyzes me.

To clean, I have to just pick a corner
and pick up one thing at a time
and work my way forward from there.

When I study =-
and for example right now
I'm looking at two hundred fifteen study questions
for one stupid class.
The prof thinks he's giving the bar exam or something
instead of a stupid speech class.

Looking at the pages
IO can't remember any of them
because there's just so many.

So I have to take one question
and say it over and over
then go to the next one.

And rest in the fact that I can only do my best.

YOur posts read as if
you've gotten far too convoluted and complexified
in your thinking about these relationships.

I'm glad you're back becAUSE your posts reas as if
you haven't had anyone to really talk to in a while.

I'm glad you're here.
We need you to hangout.

I hope you'll find a way to get to a meeting
because support in real life is important also.

Welcome back.
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:40 PM
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Thank you so much for being welcoming. I have spent a good deal of time tonight with an anxiety and depression CD program, trying to remember that I do many things to make it worse on myself, with negative self talk and blaming myself. I ignore good things about me that others see easily, and forget the things I have going for me. I get upset and let it ruin my day when others, especially AH, disapprove of me.
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:56 PM
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Thanks for sharing. Divorce this guy forthwith and just forget about him he's a total a$$hole and always will be. I think you are attracted to sociopaths and I think they see you as an easy target. Luckily, you can change yourself. It will take therapy and time, but you will change for the better. You have to. These guys taking advantage of you - tell them to go f*** themselves and they'll stay the hell away and pick another "nice" gal's life to mess up.

NICENESS WILL KILL YOU IN THE END.
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:59 PM
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Not to threadjack, but was it your alcoholic ex who stalked you?? {chills}

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Hi! welcome...
Others will come along soon to greet you...

#1 Therapy
#2 Therapy

#3 No you are not wrong, that is completely reasonable although I would doubt the man would change and I would not trust him again, with money, or with anything.

As for #4, block his number, ignore him when he calls, hang up, or change your number so he can't bug you again. If he shows up anywhere near you, call the police, get a restraining order. He is dangerous and I don't think you need more stress in your life. I was recently stalked by an ex at the gym and it made me very very angry and I felt so sad for myself. I have values. I work too much. I deserve some peace during my day and there he was watching me all throughout my gym class. You also deserve more peace in your day, to allow clarity of mind.

My humble opinion as an outsider.


This is a great site, I am glad you are here you are not helpless and definitely not alone.
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Old 05-09-2011, 09:23 PM
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Just reread my first post from this thread and tried to read it as an outsider. I was so sad for her (me). The post was so rambling it is almost frantic. It IS obvious I have not felt like anyone really LISTENED in a long time. I guess it is hard to keep listening to a person who sounds like a broken record, which is what a lot of us in relationships with A's sound like. People just get tired of hearing you because they have told you ad nauseam what healthier approaches you might consider, and you just go right on doing the crazy train. Thank you, grateful, for putting it in very stark terms:

" I think you are attracted to sociopaths and I think they see you as an easy target. Luckily, you can change yourself. It will take therapy and time, but you will change for the better. You have to."

I think you are right that I am attracted to people who need me and who need fixing. I think I fall easily for someone who tells me what I want to hear, and that must be a neon sign on me for this type of person to attach to. I want no more part of people who use suicide threats or lies to get my attention. Life is too short.
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:44 AM
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Life is too short, and your life is too valuable.

You deserve so much better in life.
The only way you can get what you deserve, though, is to believe that you deserve it.
It sounds like you're starting to.
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:35 PM
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Welcome back and good on you for figuring this out. I remember when you left-- I was fairly certain you weren't going to survive. I'm glad you're here.

Also, good on you for figuring this out: I think you are right that I am attracted to people who need me and who need fixing. I think I fall easily for someone who tells me what I want to hear, and that must be a neon sign on me for this type of person to attach to. I want no more part of people who use suicide threats or lies to get my attention. Life is too short.

Keep reading here, keep posting here, and for the love of Christ start going to Alanon meetings. Keep an open mind, don't focus on what you don't like, and go to six meetings, some different if possible, before giving up on it. Here: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest,

Cyranoak

P.s. If you really want to be healthy you'll give Alanon a chance. If not, not.
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