Originally Posted by
SoCalPauly 
I guess MY biggest problem is that I don't want to believe he has a problem either.
It seems you are starting to tackle that problem, you came here, you posted, you are waking up to this reality - that his way of drinking IS a problem for you and it affects your relationship.
Originally Posted by
SoCalPauly I just don't understand why he can't see it. I've tried to explain it to him but I feel like he just tunes me out. He says he understands but then just repeats the behavior. He always uses the "but I don't drink during the week" arguement and that just doesn't cut it anymore with me.
From
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. Youll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, youÇll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "IÇm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
Originally Posted by
SoCalPauly
I tell him to put his clothes away, but after a week of them just sitting on the floor, I do it for him.
A woman I met in Pilates has been married for 50 years now. She STILL picks up his husband's socks. This may never change.
Originally Posted by
SoCalPauly
When he can't pay one of his bills after spending his money on things for himself, I just figure out a way to pay the bill myself.
Please put off any wedding plans.You mention you got a great job. His debts will become your debts. I don't think you have studied and made efforts and worked hard to give it all away to beer companies ?
Originally Posted by
SoCalPauly
When I ask him to be responsible about anything, he still does what he wants to do and I just forgive him and figure out how to handle things by myself.
"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty is a great book...
Originally Posted by
SoCalPauly
I guess maybe I do need to work on myself - work on standing up for myself and actually let him feel the consequences of his actions.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-need-fix.html