SoCalPauly

First let me start by saying that I love my boyfriend. He is a good man and a smart man, but when it comes it alcohol, he doesn't understand my concerns. We have been together 4 years, cohabitating for about 2 of those years. We are both in our mid 30's with good jobs. We are both well educated and have good relationships with our familes.

My issue is that he like to drink, a lot. It's not the he drinks every day, but if he doesn't have to work the next day chances are he will want to drink. I understand that - I like having a glass or two of wine on the weekend. And I still get drunk sometimes, not very often but it does happen sometimes. So I try not to be judgemental, but then when the third beer turns into the 9th beer, then the 10th beer, then when the beer runs out it's vodka and 7-up. Everytime he says he feels like "having a drink" to unwind, I know that means finishing as much available booze as he can before he passes out. It's like he doesn't have impulse control when it comes to alcohol. I've haven't seen him have just ONE beer in a long, long time.

It's gotten to the point where I have asked him if he is an alcoholic. He of course says no. I ask why he can't just have a few and be done with it. His excuse is "don't worry baby, it's the weekend and I'm just going to have a few to relax. I've had a long week." In my mind I'm thinking that I too have had a long week and I too want to relax, but that I don't need alcoholic to relax. I feel like it's gotten to the point that he can't relax without it.

He is responsible during the week - when he knows he has work the next day he doesn't touch a drop of alcohol. But then the weekend comes it's a whole different story.

I'm at the point where I just don't know how to handle this. We talk about getting married and buying a house, having some kids, a dog... the whole white picket fence American Dream thing. I want that with him, very much. But I don't think I can if his behavior continues. He's not a bad drunk, he's never mean when he drinks. He doesn't drive drunk. What I can't do is compete with a bottle of vodka on the weekend. I've outright asked him to not drink and that didn't work. He said just one, I backed down and it turns into just one more, and just one more until he gets drunk. Last night I asked him to just have a few - He promised no more than 4 and he drank 8 beers. He was by himself on the couch and I was sleeping in the bedroom. I don't understand why he can't just stop after one.

Is he a functioning alcoholic? How can I get through to him?

StarCat

Welcome to the forum. I'm so glad you found us!
You're in the right place.
And you're not alone.


From what you have typed, yes, he is an alcoholic, currently of the "binge drinker" type. Alcoholism is progressive, so unless he determines he has a problem and decides to quit, it's only going to get worse.

Here's the hard part, for people like us.
Until he decides he has a problem, we can't make him get the help he needs, we can't wake him up or snap him out of it. He has to decide to do that for himself.

The best thing we can do is to work on ourselves, take care of ourselves, and stop "enabling" the alcoholic.
As long as we're constantly running around cleaning up his messes, he'll never decide he has a problem, because he'll never feel the consequences of the problems he causes.
Once we start to care about ourselves, and take care of ourselves, then we are strong enough hold our boundaries and allow them the privilege of making their own decisions and experiencing their own consequences.

Have you heard of Al-Anon?
It's for people like us, who have been affected by someone else's drinking. It's an anonymous organization, where you can find A LOT of face to face support to help you. I go every week, and I can't wait until my next meeting.
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

SoCalPauly

Thanks for the encouraging words.

I guess MY biggest problem is that I don't want to believe he has a problem either. When I see it happening, I tell him I'm disappointed, but then I just walk away - and when he's drunk, he is usually very happy and affectionate and loving and laughing, so I try to convince myself that maybe it's not so bad. But at the end, I know he has a problem and I know there is nothing good about it.

I just don't understand why he can't see it. I've tried to explain it to him but I feel like he just tunes me out. He says he understands but then just repeats the behavior. He always uses the "but I don't drink during the week" arguement and that just doesn't cut it anymore with me. Sometimes I think it's my fault and I enable his bad behavior, not just with the drinking but everything. I think I might "mother" him a bit. I tell him to put his clothes away, but after a week of them just sitting on the floor, I do it for him. When he can't pay one of his bills after spending his money on things for himself, I just figure out a way to pay the bill myself. When I ask him to be responsible about anything, he still does what he wants to do and I just forgive him and figure out how to handle things by myself. It's the same with the alcohol. I feel stupid and ashamed for not being stronger, but I tell myself that I love him and that's what you do for the people you love. I don't think he means to take advantage of me, but I make it soooo easy for him.

I guess maybe I do need to work on myself - work on standing up for myself and actually let him feel the consequences of his actions.

SoCalPauly

I hear what you all are saying. I know that I am not helping myself or him by enabling his behavior.

I am going to try to be responsible for my own behavior and my own happiness. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? I don't know why it is so hard for me putting ME first.

While I am working on myself, I still want to help him. I really feel like he is capable of understanding why he abuses alcohol.

What I can do to help him help himself, without trying to force something he isn't ready for and without falling back into the same destructive pattern?

Cyranoak

Yes he is an alcoholic. No you cant get through to him. Please try an Alanon meeting.

Take care,

Cyranoak

duqld1717

I am you, only I broke up with my Alcoholic 5 months ago. We were in a serious relationship as well and just like your boyfriend, mine drank heavily only on the weekends. Never touched it during the week because of work. They call that "binge drinking" like StarCat said. Binge drinking is a form of alcoholism just that binge drinkers haven't progressed to the point of being every day drinkers YET. I tried to get him to stop. I begged, cried, screamed and yelled. I even offered to go to AA with him. NOTHING I said or did mattered. He drank and passed out every weekend. And it won't matter to your boyfriend either. He could continue to drink for the next 20 or 30 years like this. Everyone is right. He won't stop until HE sees a reason to stop. You can't make him stop, he won't stop, the only thing you can change is your involvement with him. He has an addiction and he will continue to feed that addiction whether you get in his way or not. Its not that he doesn't love you, its just his addiction is more powerful than any love he could feel in the world. I decided my life was too precious to wait for someone to give up a stupid drink and I got out. Take care of yourself first.

P.S. My first post on SR was also "Is my boyfriend an Alcoholic"

sandrawg

Ugh, you sound just like me when I first came onto Soberrecovery, in 2008. I was way in denial. I flip flopped back and forth btwn denial and awareness for 3.5 yrs, off and on with my exabf.

We would break up (usu over drinking, or him doing drugs)-he'd come back a couple months later with promises. But no plan of recovery. I think ONCE he admitted he had a drinking problem, but then it was near July 4th and he decided he'd rather go to the bar with his friends than work on his problem.

This as incessant. In the meantime, I dealt with several traumatic, violent drunken incidences. He too is a binge drinker. I hate it, because it allows him to deny his problem. He can say "I havent lost my job; I don't drink much during the week" and rationalize it away.

I'd say 99% of the time, you ask an active alcohoic who's not in recovery, "are you an alcoholic??" They're gonna say no. And you may end up being the only one who recognizes that he is and be alone in the wilderness while his parents, and his friends enable him.

It is a dark and painful road.

BTW check out the sticky "Do You Need al-anon". I bet you could answer yes to a lot of those questions. Whether you decide to stay or walk, al-anon can help you. I HAD to walk-my ex put a gun in his mouth and threatened suicide. And al-anon is helping me. Good luck!

TakingCharge999

anvilhead, I give you the Sanity Award.

sandrawg

What people say about, he can be this way for a long time, is totally true.

I had a friend in my 20s who drank like crazy. Me and my friends who hung out wiht him, all knew he was alcoholic.

I lost touch wiith him.

20 yrs later, he friended all of us on facebook. He lives wiht his mother and does nothing but drink. We know this because that's all he talks about on facebook.

I frankly can't even believe he is alive, but there you go. 20 yrs of crazy drinking and still alive. Who knows what shape his liver is in and I suspect, at 43, he can't have too much longer to go before the s** hits the fan.

You do not want to be the woman there with him, long-suffering, through a progressive slide into that kind of pain. There is a much better life out there for you. It's your choice.

sandrawg

What can you do? Seriously?

I asked myself that constantly.

THe only thing you can do is, not enable, so that you can keep your side of the street clean. But I'm telling you, you tell him you won't go to bars with him, he'll just go w/out you.

And for me, I woudl sit there worrying, wondering what he was getting into.

I had not discovered al-anon yet.

Al-anon and not enabling, is really the only thing you can do. And you gotta do it for you. Not with the expectation it'll make a difference on him, because it wont. Like everyone keeps saying (cuz we've ALL been there, and we benefit from the decades of knowledge accumulated in AA, al-anon, and the medical community about this horrible disease), he will NOT get sober until he's ready.

He has to hit his bottom, and that's different for every alcoholic. Some never do. They just die. It's a sad fact but there are people here on SR who've survived that trauma, too.

TakingCharge999

It seems you are starting to tackle that problem, you came here, you posted, you are waking up to this reality - that his way of drinking IS a problem for you and it affects your relationship.

From Addiction, Lies and Relationships

One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.

"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. Youll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"

But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.

Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, youÇll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "IÇm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!






A woman I met in Pilates has been married for 50 years now. She STILL picks up his husband's socks. This may never change.

Please put off any wedding plans.You mention you got a great job. His debts will become your debts. I don't think you have studied and made efforts and worked hard to give it all away to beer companies ?

"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty is a great book...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-need-fix.html

LaPinturaBella

He's an adult with a good job who chooses to ignore his responsibilities (paying his bills) and spends his money on himself. Then you pay his bills. That is also enabling and "protecting" him from the natural consequences of his behavior. That is not your job and people who love each other don't take up all of the slack for their partner. Please try Al-Anon. This situation sounds like the beginning of a very long, dark, pain ridden road for you.

I hope this doesn't offend you. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Mightyqueen801

The "I'm just having a few to relax" story just gave me cold chills. My ex-A husband used to say that one all the time.

Yes, it sounds to me as if your bf is an alcoholic. Think long and hard before marrying him and bringing children into that situation. I was the idiot (truly an idiot-actually lived with mine for six years and THEN married him!) telling myself that once we were married and had a child, OF COURSE he would magically change and grow up and life wouldn't be like this anymore.

Instead, he got worse after my daughter was born. He would go directly to the bar after work, and then come home around 11:30, 12-pack in hand, telling me, "I figured you would have the baby asleep by now and we can hang out." Is that what you're picturing when you imagine yourself married with a baby?

sandrawg

"Just having a few to relax" sounds familiar to me, too.

I also heard " I hate my living situation." "My job stresses me out."

Honey, make no mistake-healthy people do NOT need to take drugs or drink to "relax" or deal with stress! Drinking to deal with stress is maladaptive coping and a sure sign of alcoholism.

In fact, one of the biggest challenges for recovering alcoholics, is learning to deal with their stresses and resentments in healthier ways, rather than drinking. This is why AA works. It teaches a new way of living, above and beyond just NOT drinking.

tryingtoparent

SoCalPauly, Hi I am new to this website but not new to the problem. I'll give you my two cents for what it is worth. My ex drank when we dated. He was ten years older than me, a lawyer and I was stupid. We married and this is what happened. While I drank also when we dated, I guess my excuse was I was in my 20's and still being dumb. When we had kids (he was 40 I was 30) I stopped and he just drank more. I discovered that besides the 8 beers at home at night he already had had 4 at work. His drinking was almost daily but he split it up in different places. He didn't come home one night. I had 4 kids under the age of 5 and I was frantic. I located him, asleep at his office but it wasn't until years later I was told he'd left the bar with some woman and they went to his office and you can assume the rest. A few years more and we were having arguments over the drinking, his irresponsibility, his lack of attention to me, lack of ambition etc. I tried for a year to fix things. He got worse. A man I never would dream would get violent didn't like me harping on him. He'd go out with his buddies and he'd come home and pick a fight with me at 2AM. Being a lawyer he was careful never to hit, instead he screamed, cursed and cornered me to yell in my face. He flat out told me I drank when we dated I still drink and I am not going to stop for you. The third time he got violent I filed for divorce.
He became a judge. We then spent years in litigation for custody, he winning (long story but no judge is not going to give another judge custody) then me getting them back when I didn't let up on the fight for 2 years. During those years our daughter started drinking. He did nothing. In fact he provided alcohol and looked away. She'd done drugs when living with him and I don't think I have to tell you what drinking leads to. She engaged in all kinds of destructive behavior. I talked to her as best I could but its tough to parent someone on weekends only especially when her dad had put her on auto pilot. I kept up the legal fight but she was a junior in high school by the time she lived with me again. Result: She's in college and received her first DUI a few years ago, he hired her a lawyer and then even made her appeal her conviction. I cut her off from all support. (he does not support her at all but he did replace her car when I took mine away from her) Recently she received a second DUI. He now has allowed her to drive on a revoked license and I am fighting an uphill battle getting her to listen to me. (I am winning now though) My sons who were younger when they all came back to me have never had any troubles. Well, no legal troubles but they bemoan the fact that their dad never played with them, (hes grossly overweight and has health problems now) rarely has a heart to heart with them and has embarrassed them when drunk. Point here: An alcoholic will ruin not just your marriage and possibly you but he will also ruin any children you bring into the world. How I wish I had not made him the father of my children. And yes, I found a great guy who worships me , helped me with the kids, my children adore him and he basically is a good man. HE had an alcoholic father and instead of repeating his fathers mistakes he learned from them and yes he does drink on occasion (a glass of wine over the weekend) but he is responsible and aware of his drinking. I have never had to go looking for him, beg him to spend time with me or mistrusted him. He has been a wonderful husband and step dad. You don't have to go this route. But if not for yourself please think about making your BF the father of your kids....might be the worst mistake you'll ever regret.

sandrawg

Wow-this is powerful stuff.

You really hammer home - life is all about choices. My sister married 2 alcoholics, and now her daughter is a mess. She's a mess-she's in her 50s and hasn't gone through any recovery, so she keeps screwing up her life. In her 20s, she used to be very pretty and personable-she could have had any man she wanted. But she chose an alcoholic.

Don't underestimate the future misery your present choices could result in. I'm glad I only wasted 3.5 years and never lived with my ex or married him.

SoCalPauly

All of you seem so amazing and strong. I'm trying to get there...

This weekend I experimented a bit with power of self. Meaning that I did and said what I felt was right for me. Instead of cleaning his mess, I pushed it over to his side of the room for HIM to take care of later. I also told him that I'm having trouble catching up with my bills, so I expect him to repay the $400 I gave him last week to catch up on one of his bills. I think he was bit shocked but surprisingly agreeable. However, I've been here once or twice before, with him making promises he can't keep. But he followed through... he set up two online payments to pay the credit card I used for his bills.

And then I decided to tell him exactly how I feel about his binge drinking. Except I didn't get mad, I didn't yell or cry - I just sat him down and said "here is how your drinking affects me... here is how your drinking affects our relationship... here is how your drinking affects you..." He didn't outright admit to being an alcoholic, but he also didn't say he wasn't. That surprised me. He usually gets defensive or makes excuses, but this time he didn't. Still, I took that with a grain of salt. I then told him that I can't make him change his behavior - I can only change myself and how I react to his behavior. I told him I'm not going to yell or beg him to stop. If he chooses to binge drink, I'm simply going to not be a part of it in any way.

I don't know exactly why, but he didn't drink this weekend. Well, that's not true. We went to visit a freind of ours at the bar she works at and we each had one beer. I didn't tell him how many beers to have instead he choose to have one followed by a glass of caffeine free diet coke. I mean, what? Where did that come from? Later that night he told me he wanted to finish the beers in the fridge. I didn't say anything except "you're a grown man, you do what you want to do. But if you do drink, i am going to go watch tv in the other room." I wasn't mean or forceful, I was just very matter-of-fact about it. I could see that he still wanted to drink them, but he didn't. He didn't say why he wasn't going to drink, he just said "eh, nevermind". I pretended like it wasn't a big deal. But holy cow!! He just didn't drink. I have NO IDEA what any of this means. I'm not going to psych myself into thinking it is more than it is, or that this will be the case next weekend... but I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled that I grew a pair and that maybe (just maybe) he heard me.

I'm going to continue with doing what is right for me and hopefully in the process, he will continue finding a sober path in life. I don't have any expectations, but I'm hopeful.

Shellcrusher

Unchecked by him, it will get worse.

I'll toss in the 3C's since I don't see it mentioned above. It's the best easy lesson I learned when I came here.

You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

sandrawg

SoCalPauly, it sounds like you are setting boundaries--always a good thing.

I do know, tho, that with my exabf, he was able to not drink as much for a while. But when some stresses happened between the 2 of us, he went back to binge drinking.

I guess, the key will be, can he continue cutting down on his drinking. And if he can't, will he be able to face that he might have a problem?

My ex was in no way ready to admit he had a problem, even tho he did take some steps to moderate his drinking and not go to bars.

You are handling it a lot better than me. I was always going off on my exabf-that's something I still regret.

tryingtoparent

Good for you SoCalPAuly! But...there's always a but isn't there? your story sounds like he chose you over the alcohol. If/when he chooses alcohol instead of you....please go find the great guy you deserve! Just a PS but I remarried at the age of 46. Dated the wonderful man I married for 6 years first...so hanging onto a relationship that is wrong for you is really not necessary just because you have put alot into it or you are in your 30's or whatever way you might rationalize staying. I KNEW there was a real man out there for me and I was right. I guess my attitude about this with my ex and now with my daughter...time does not "fix" it....in fact things only got worse. Meet the problem head on now, see if he is in a place where he can change his course....if not...leave. Sorry....but the regret of my choice of the ex is sometimes overwhelming (I don't think much about it anymore but your posts hit home) and I so don't want you to ever feel that way AND have to look at your children who will surely suffer the consequences of your choices. If you plan on kids , think like a mom now. Good luck!