Hi sweet - just wanted to give you some hugs and welcome you to SR. I posted my story before and just a minute ago a quick version under bluegirl.
I wanted to just comment on your feeling of alienation. Yes, it is so very hard to be marrried to an A and even though your friends support you they just don't have the understanding. Your feelings and emotions are all over the place and the A part of it is something they may never understand even if you might agree with them on some things.
You will find a lot of support here. Alanon also helps me a lot.
You are not stupid. You exist and you are you regardless of how AH treats you.
Being in a relationship with an A does that to us.
There's no right or wrong, it's whatever works best for you and that can change day to day or even minute to minute.
Take care.