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Humiliated.

Old 05-05-2011, 06:01 PM
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Humiliated.

My husband left me on Friday with our 3 year old daughter. He is a recovering alcoholic. He and I have been up and down for the past 2 years and finally the past 2 months he had moved back in and we attending counseling and anger management once a week. His decision to give up completely blindsided me and even our therapist said we were doing so well. I went to an Alanon meeting on the night he left as he packed his things because after all we have been through I wasn't going to beg him to stay. If me and his kids weren't enough reason to follow through, I don't know what would make him. Then he proceeded to tell me he was going to see the same woman from work he cheated on me with during the early stages of our separation and I know it's not about her...she just supports his habit. I know its over now because this is the 4th time he walked out on me and I feel so stupid because he had been sober and attending the sessions and classes with me. He acts like I am nothing and only wants to talk to me regarding our daughter like I don't even exist when just last week in counseling he was saying how much he wishes he could be more expressive with me, etc...This disease is rough and I have nothing left. I have alienated all my friends/support system because nobody believed I shouldve let him back in 2 months ago and as it turns out...they were all right.
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Old 05-05-2011, 06:14 PM
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Hi sweet - just wanted to give you some hugs and welcome you to SR. I posted my story before and just a minute ago a quick version under bluegirl.

I wanted to just comment on your feeling of alienation. Yes, it is so very hard to be marrried to an A and even though your friends support you they just don't have the understanding. Your feelings and emotions are all over the place and the A part of it is something they may never understand even if you might agree with them on some things.

You will find a lot of support here. Alanon also helps me a lot.

You are not stupid. You exist and you are you regardless of how AH treats you.

Being in a relationship with an A does that to us.

There's no right or wrong, it's whatever works best for you and that can change day to day or even minute to minute.

Take care.
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Old 05-05-2011, 08:25 PM
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Hi Sweeteewalls,

You have absolutely no reason at all to feel humiliated. You are among friends here on SR. Many of us know exactly how you are feeling. The desease of alcoholism is the pits! Alcoholics do their best to hurt you and make you feel bad because they like to project. If they are feeling like low lifes, they will do their best to make you feel worse.

It sounds like something has happened that hes not telling you about for him to 'blindside' you and your therapist. I wouldnt be supprised if he has been living a double life for quite a while now. There is a thread going about 'acting' at the moment on SR.

I am sorry that you are going through this but please keep going to Al-anon, seeing your therapist and visiting this site as doing those three things will only help to improve your life. You really can go up from here. This man doesnt deserve you, he is a fake and not someone to share your life with.

Your friends will be back if they are true friends. True friends will support you and stick by you no matter what. In the meantime try out a few Al-anon meetings if you can, its supprising how quickly you can get a new support system in place and keep visiting SR, its a great place to offload.
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Old 05-05-2011, 11:39 PM
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Thank you so much. You really had the talent to tell me exactly what I needed to here. I went out with friends tonight and came home to an empty home and I felt depressed once again. I feel crazy like a roller coaster of emotions....but yes, I will keep doing what I have been doing for my sanity. =)
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Old 05-06-2011, 12:08 AM
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I know that whole thing of, he seems like he wants to work on things with you, but then he bails to choose his disease. That is the horror of this disease. You never know what they really feel or when they are lying to you.

I was off and on with my exabf MANY times, and i too thought I had alienated my friends, but the true friends were still there for me when it ended for good.

Keep going to al-anon...I know this is tough, and you need support of people who know what you're going through.

Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
Thank you so much. You really had the talent to tell me exactly what I needed to here. I went out with friends tonight and came home to an empty home and I felt depressed once again. I feel crazy like a roller coaster of emotions....but yes, I will keep doing what I have been doing for my sanity. =)
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Old 05-06-2011, 12:18 AM
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I love this site because several times I have been pleasantly surprised by things I read. Things I read are my feelings verbatum! I received an email from my ex lashing out saying I don't deserve respect because I adhere to the court order from when we first separated. I am willing to even let him have her more but he always acts angry or picks a fight whenever we speak. I don't get it..not only did he abandon us for the umpteenth time but now he twists the knife and insults me every chance he gets. Why doesn't he just leave and stay gone?
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Old 05-06-2011, 12:41 AM
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A's often don't make sense.

You said, "If me and his kids weren't enough reason to follow through, I don't know what would make him." You didn't cause it and neither did they; you can't cure it, and neither can they. You are thinking like a logical human there, but alcoholism is a disease that causes illogical behavior. Nothing can make him follow through on sobriety and owning up to his responsibilities to others - except for him.

Gentle hugs your way. I know times are hard now, but you will see better days. I know people around you who are not in Al-Anon can be critical of your choice to try and work things out. You won't get that criticism here in Al-Anon. You'll get encouragement to find serenity in your life! Whether the A is in your life, or not.
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Old 05-06-2011, 01:17 AM
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Boy-that is so true! sometimes it seemed like my exabf had brain damage-the way he behaved was so puzzling and illogical. I still puzzle over some of the things he said and did, and we've been apart 3 months now.

Originally Posted by MeredithD1 View Post
A's often don't make sense.

You said, "If me and his kids weren't enough reason to follow through, I don't know what would make him." You didn't cause it and neither did they; you can't cure it, and neither can they. You are thinking like a logical human there, but alcoholism is a disease that causes illogical behavior. Nothing can make him follow through on sobriety and owning up to his responsibilities to others - except for him.

Gentle hugs your way. I know times are hard now, but you will see better days. I know people around you who are not in Al-Anon can be critical of your choice to try and work things out. You won't get that criticism here in Al-Anon. You'll get encouragement to find serenity in your life! Whether the A is in your life, or not.
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Old 05-06-2011, 06:33 AM
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Do something good for yourself today!!!
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Old 05-06-2011, 06:40 AM
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Thank you, I am going to try. Last night I went out with girlfriends for dinner and left my cell phone at home so I would enjoy myself and not be worried about him texting/emailing me, etc...I returned home to an email from him upset I hadn't responded to his earlier texts. He e-mailed me saying not to speak to him even regarding our daughter only in an extreme emergency. It further said that I don't deserve respect because I didn't give him respect by replying to his texts. I feel like he has multiple personalities because just yesterday morning he asked me to back off and contact him minimally and then I do back off and not contact him and he gets irritated I wasn't responding? Co-parenting with him is going to be so hard. I don't want our 3 year old to suffer but I have to remember he is choosing this, not me. The old me would have replied to him right away last night trying to make excuses and apologize for not having my phone but I just ignored texts/emails because I don't want to engage at all. Right now, all he wants is a fight. If I gave him a million dollars he would be mad I didn't give him 2 million.
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Old 05-06-2011, 08:55 AM
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In my case, XABF would keep his cell phone off almost always, but heaven forbid I turn mine off. I remember the last time I ever turned it off, I went to church, and he decided he was going to take his car to get new tires. They put the wait time at 1 hour, so he called me to come pick him up (I lived an hour away from the tire store) so he wouldn't be bored while waiting, left me about five nastygrams in my voicemail, and here I am feeling good coming out of church to that mess.
And when I go to call him back? His cell phone is off.
That was the last time I ever went to church until recently. I was just too afraid of what would happen if I didn't answer my phone. Not to mention after that he made sure I was with him all of Sunday so there was no chance to sneak away and go.

Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
If I gave him a million dollars he would be mad I didn't give him 2 million.
Isn't that the truth?
The cynical side of me says it's because if I gave him a million dollars, he'd assume I had some left and he'd want that, too. He has to have it all, and I couldn't have anything.



Now I have a kitten, a new car, serenity, and some roses on order from Texas. (I can't wait until they get here!) I'm rich.
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Old 05-06-2011, 09:12 AM
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Eventually you will be grateful you didn't spend two more seconds with him. You should not feel bad. You are not the one breaking up the family. In my opinion if they cheat it is just too hard to trust them anymore. There would be the doubt every time they went out. In my marriage I felt like beer was the mistress. Mine drank Natural Lite and Miss Lite was the mistress. She won. But I have me back now 4 yrs. after my divorce so I won. You will heal in time. And no contact is wonderful. The more there is no contact the easier it gets. You have to a little with the daughter but less is more.
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