dowrite

Over the years, during the five or six times I have confronted my mother on any behavior with which I disagree, the responses I've gotten have been very painful to me (verbal strikes, silence, mocking).

For the last two years, my mother has been replacing her "dry drunk" status with a prescription pill dependency. She is retired and sits in her home most days, taking excessive amounts of Xanax and Klonipin. I have mainly limited myself to responding to her forwards (she sends jokes and stories a couple of times a week) and talking on the phone once every couple of months. Each time we talk, she slurs her words and rambles.

Her husband has said to me that "it's better that she takes too much, because if she doesn't, she becomes too difficult to be around." My mother is somewhat known in the family as having a cruel tongue, but when she is high, she is relaxed and seemingly in a good mood.

Their marriage almost fell apart a few years ago, but after several months, they both separately mentioned to me that they couldn't afford to sell the house and have enough money to purchase separate houses. That was the last that was discussed with me about their divorce plans.

So, here's where the request for advice comes in. I have not confronted my mother about her drug abuse. Even though I have only confronted her on five or six other issues over the years (maybe less), this seems like such a huge issue that I really should say something. Yet, I so don't want to. I fantasize that my mother, her husband and my brother (another addict/rageoholic) are all killed instantly in some 18-wheeler accident, so that I don't have to deal with them.

I already have very limited contact with them (and no contact with my brother). But I have another fantasy that she has an amazing, full life, where she leaves the house daily to go to art classes (she is an artist who hasn't created art in many years) - that she sells her paintings, makes a bundle, divorces her husband, starts exercising and eating right and has a fabulous time.

She would rather stay at home doing pills, so is it even my place to wish her a different (what I would consider better) life?

Is it okay that I don't confront her?

Is it okay if I continue to respond to her email forwards and call every couple of months, even though it feels disingenuous?

I have read so many books and been in so many recovery groups. Yet, I still can't wrap my mind around this. I mainly block it out. But yesterday was her birthday, and I struggled with whether to call. We eventually spoke. She was lit up like a Christmas tree - and I kept telling myself, "You can't confront her now because it's her birthday." Then, after the call, it occurred to me that if I only speak with her on "special occasions" then I will always be using the excuse that "I can't confront her now because..." I have "cut her off" twice (once when I was 19 and once this year, at age 37). Both times only lasted for a few months. I feel such guilt over the idea of walking away - even though I don't have any use for her parenting anymore. I feel so sorry for her - as if I would be beating an already dying dog by cutting her out of my life on a permanent basis.