I would like some advice, please.

Old 04-30-2011, 09:35 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1
I would like some advice, please.

Over the years, during the five or six times I have confronted my mother on any behavior with which I disagree, the responses I've gotten have been very painful to me (verbal strikes, silence, mocking).

For the last two years, my mother has been replacing her "dry drunk" status with a prescription pill dependency. She is retired and sits in her home most days, taking excessive amounts of Xanax and Klonipin. I have mainly limited myself to responding to her forwards (she sends jokes and stories a couple of times a week) and talking on the phone once every couple of months. Each time we talk, she slurs her words and rambles.

Her husband has said to me that "it's better that she takes too much, because if she doesn't, she becomes too difficult to be around." My mother is somewhat known in the family as having a cruel tongue, but when she is high, she is relaxed and seemingly in a good mood.

Their marriage almost fell apart a few years ago, but after several months, they both separately mentioned to me that they couldn't afford to sell the house and have enough money to purchase separate houses. That was the last that was discussed with me about their divorce plans.

So, here's where the request for advice comes in. I have not confronted my mother about her drug abuse. Even though I have only confronted her on five or six other issues over the years (maybe less), this seems like such a huge issue that I really should say something. Yet, I so don't want to. I fantasize that my mother, her husband and my brother (another addict/rageoholic) are all killed instantly in some 18-wheeler accident, so that I don't have to deal with them.

I already have very limited contact with them (and no contact with my brother). But I have another fantasy that she has an amazing, full life, where she leaves the house daily to go to art classes (she is an artist who hasn't created art in many years) - that she sells her paintings, makes a bundle, divorces her husband, starts exercising and eating right and has a fabulous time.

She would rather stay at home doing pills, so is it even my place to wish her a different (what I would consider better) life?

Is it okay that I don't confront her?

Is it okay if I continue to respond to her email forwards and call every couple of months, even though it feels disingenuous?

I have read so many books and been in so many recovery groups. Yet, I still can't wrap my mind around this. I mainly block it out. But yesterday was her birthday, and I struggled with whether to call. We eventually spoke. She was lit up like a Christmas tree - and I kept telling myself, "You can't confront her now because it's her birthday." Then, after the call, it occurred to me that if I only speak with her on "special occasions" then I will always be using the excuse that "I can't confront her now because..." I have "cut her off" twice (once when I was 19 and once this year, at age 37). Both times only lasted for a few months. I feel such guilt over the idea of walking away - even though I don't have any use for her parenting anymore. I feel so sorry for her - as if I would be beating an already dying dog by cutting her out of my life on a permanent basis.
dowrite is offline  
Old 04-30-2011, 09:42 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
I'm sorry you are dealing with this issue. The thing is, you can't control what she chooses to do, so you have to do what is best for your own peace of mind and well-being. Many times, we have to remove toxic people from our lives, even if they are family members. You are right that confronting her about her abuse of pills won't make any difference in what she chooses to do.

It sounds like you already have little contact with her, so if you can continue the distant relationship you currently have without it upsetting you, then fine. If talking with her at all keeps you upset, then maybe you should consider no contact whatsoever. Again, the only control you have is over your own well-being, so you must decide what you are able to live with.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 04-30-2011, 02:20 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
starshaped's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 21
I don't know if I have any good advice to offer, but I jsut wanted to let you know that I sympathize and experience a lot of the same issues with my mother (who is an alcoholic).

I used to confront my mom about her drinking very often. I live with her, so seeing her drunk day after day would just make me explode and confront her about it time after time, even though it got us nowhere. She would always respond with nasty remarks, targetting things that were "wrong" with me or blaming me for her problems. I eventually gave up. The only thing that resulted was that I got even angrier and more stressed out. She would somehow make me feel even worse about myself. Personally, I think if you don't feel confronting your mother will do any good, but only cause you more grief, don't even bother. It doesn't sound like she responded to you in a positive way before. At first, when I gave up confronting my mom, I felt guilty and as if I were just giving up on her. I know you might feel that way if you don't say anything to your mom about her problem. Try not to focus on those feelings, there's nothing you have to feel bad or wrong about. There is only so much you can do.
I also picture that wonderful, meaningful life for my mother, but I don't think confronting her about anything is going to make her change at all. If anything, she just drinks more afterwards because she gets so upset!

I hope things can work out for you and your mother though.
starshaped is offline  
Old 05-02-2011, 05:36 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
GingerM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
It is perfectly okay that you don't say anything to her about her drug problem. In fact, you would probably be saving yourself some pain and anguish. If she wanted to quit, she'd do something about it. Since she isn't doing anything about it, she doesn't want to quit. If you were to bring it up, most likely, she would simply become angry and "blame the messenger" with all the meanness and cruelty that an active addict in denial can muster. And her behavior would still not change. From a logical standpoint, the risk-reward just isn't worth it. You can't save her (or anyone else) from herself.

Is it okay to respond to emails and intermittent calls, even if it feels disingenuous? I might ask what about it feels disingenuous. Is it that you don't really want to talk to her on a social level? If so, then on what level DO you want to talk to her? Because, like her addiction, if you really wanted to change your own behavior, you could do so. I'm guessing that on some level you get something out of these limited exchanges. You limit them to avoid the destruction that more regular contact would do, which is a very good thing. And you must be getting something from the limited contact because you've proven you can limit contact, which means you could go to no-contact if that's what you truly wanted. Perhaps finding the answer to "what do I get from this?" will help you find peace.

I have limited contact with my parents. I do so because it helps me monitor what kind of shape they're in (in case I need to call social services in) and because it is a reminder to me that they weren't always this way. I limit face-to-face meetings and phone calls. I wish things were different, but they aren't. While it is not my responsibility, technically, to take care of them, I do feel a moral responsibility to check in on them every so often - just as I used to check in on the old lady who lived across the street from us, simply because she lived alone, was very old, and I had her son's phone number. Not that she was my responsibility, but that I am a human and I try to help my fellow humans who find themselves in situations that make them vulnerable.

In other words, I stay in contact with my parents because it makes me feel good about myself. Why do you stay in contact with your mom?
GingerM is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:25 AM.