The important thing is that you're taking big strides ahead.
I can very much relate to your "how could I be stupid enough to find myself married to an abusive alcoholic?" self-beating -- I've done it, too. It's been humbling to see how much I've learned in the process, and how judgmental I used to be about
women in abusive situations who didn't leave.
You were disappointed by the man you married. I bet it wasn't the first time you were disappointed in another human being. Or the last time.
The thing that helps me when I get to where people don't live up to my expectations is going back to Step 1. And not only admit that I am powerless over alcohol, but also over other people.
It is easy for me when I get into a situation (Al-Anon, SR, new counselor, good group of friends, new man) to put too much stock in
them. I want
them to be for me exactly what I want them to be at every turn. Because when I'm in this place of emotional pain, I just want the pain to go away. And anyone who doesn't behave like I want them to behave contributes to the pain instead of making it go away.
My love pointed out to me that recovery is sort of like recovery from surgery: You're gonna hurt, and the first time that dang aide comes and kicks you out of bed and says "walk!" you're going to hate her, because it HURTS. But it's what you've got to do to get better.
People have come out of the woodwork to support me on my journey. Sometimes they've hurt me and it's been necessary, sometimes they've hurt me and it hasn't. Either way, it's my journey and while I am always grateful from the bottom of my heart for all the support I receive, at the end of the day, I can't expect anything from anyone. I have to do the grueling work on my own. I have the choice who I hang out with (and from time to time, I do shut people out when they don't contribute in a way that's constructive) and I have the choice what I take away from what people say to me.
I don't know if any of the above applies to you, but that's sort of how I think about it.
Keep on keeping on, friend.