wanttobehealthy

These are great questions... The 1st and 2nd ones I've been talking about in T for a few weeks. Realizing how I actually feel. I haven't been in touch with that or let myself think about what I really feel for fear of what it would mean in terms of my ability to keep living with madness, for years. I've been answering these questions for myself and the answers were sad at first but the more I talk about how I feel and accept that it's how I feel and is what it is and try to stop judging it, the better I feel about it.

I love who he used to be, I love what I thought we would be together, I love the glimpses I see of who we used to be together. I do not love who we are together now. I do not love him in the grips of addiction (whether actively drinking or not) and I love him enough to know that without ME focussing on just changing me, then I am actively contributing to the crazy cycle of addiction that has defined this marriage for years.

I don't trust him, I doubt I will again and if I had a magic wand and could change him overnight into who he was when I married him, I'm not sure that the me I am now wants to be with the him that he was then anymore. Doesn't mean I am better or worse than him- it just means to me that we have grown apart and may have whether addiction was there or not. I hope he'll get well so that he can be a part of his D's lives bc he can be a great Dad. But I don't really think I am in love with him or want to be anymore regardless of whether he gets "well" or not. I've said this out loud to my therapist and he told me I ought to "admit" it to friends or where it's safe to do so (obviously not to AH) so this seemed a good time to do that. I love him bc he's the man I married and father of my children and he has a good heart when not in the throws of addiction. So, I love him on these levels but not as a spouse or someone I want to be a partner with anymore...