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It's Okay Not To Be A Clone....

Old 04-27-2011, 12:33 PM
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It's Okay Not To Be A Clone....

For me I have been working alot
on 3 words...Love..Trust..Respect

Do I Love him for what he is today or what he was years ago?
Trust, Can I ever learn to trust him, do I want too?
Respect, Its all gone, will it come back, do I want it back?
Does it mean, that I dont love him, if I let him go?
Does it mean, I am learning to trust myself of what is right or wrong?

Why, What, and How (In future & past): applied to LOVE,TRUST,RESPECT,
has changed the way I view those 3 words. Not just about my AH, but about me and my life.

At times, I just want to close my eyes and say.."Yes I trust, love & respect him"
Sometimes it feels that it would be alot easier to say that, than actually
do all of this recovery work on myself...

I step back, take a breath, and realize...That's not me...

I think Alanon is the most wonderful tool I can have to fix & find me..

I also believe I have my own personality that God gave me.

Im not a clone of anyone.

I believe my personality, wants & wishes,,could not do or put up with alot of things that others do in their lives or marriages, especially with an alcoholic..

I read other stories on here and hear them in my Alanon class
.. and I think "Oh, Why cant I think that way or
how come I cant be happy like everyone else in a recovery/recovering marriage?"

Understanding myself, and understanding reality.
Reality that Im not a clone. God is my creator. He loves
all of my quirks and understands me and loves me for who I am today.

Learning to understand myself and letting go, that its okay, if Im not like the others here on this forum or in life.

I am me...

:ghug3
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:04 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Do I Love him for what he is today or what he was years ago?
Trust, Can I ever learn to trust him, do I want too?
Respect, Its all gone, will it come back, do I want it back?
Does it mean, that I dont love him, if I let him go?
Does it mean, I am learning to trust myself of what is right or wrong?
I think in my case, I do love XABF, but anymore it's the kind of caring that comes with being a decent human being. He is in a tough spot, only he can save himself, and I recognize that, and I do sincerely hope that he finds his way out someday - but I will not be there when/if he does, it's not that kind of love.

I have no intentions of ever trusting him again. Even a well-behaved crocodile is still a crocodile. He has been on good behavior way too many times, drawn me in, then bitten down with all he's got.
I don't intend to get close enough to him again so that he can earn back my trust. He had too many chances already, and I've got the bite marks to prove it.

As for respect...
I do not respect the shadow of a man he became. Not after all the abuse that has come spewing out of his mouth heading in my direction. I cannot trust people who aim barb-tipped poison arrows at me in an effort to control me and destroy me so that he doesn't have to face his own facts.
I do respect him for some of the things he has done in the past. I respect his past-him, because that person did some amazing things, and that's nothing to be sneezed at, no matter what he did later. But the person who managed all of that is not the person he is now.

I do respect anyone who can get a good recovery program together, and stay sober. Recovering alcoholics who are actively working a program are really cool people, some of the strongest, most self-disciplined people, and as they work on their own self-discovery I think they're healthier than the average person on this planet - because they're not afraid to look at themselves, admit mistakes or faults, and try to fix them as best they can. (I can say the same/similar for Al-Anon/recovering family and friends of alcoholics, just to a slightly lesser extend, since they're doing the self-work part, but not fighting a chemical addiction at the same time).
I wish this for him, I just don't intend to be around to see if he gets here or not.


Everyone is different.
Everyone's situation is different, and everyone's reaction is different.
I will not be a clone, either, because I have learned now that it's more fun to be me.

It's also less stressful, because I don't have to try and remember who I was pretending to be.

These are the answers I have now on the love/trust/respect front.
They may change in the future.
I am a constantly growing person, and so I will not set anything about me in stone, because I don't know what parts I may want to change later.
I can be whoever I want to be. How exciting!


Thank you for this post, BobbyJ, and for sharing your thoughts.
I have some great things to think about today.
Thank you.
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
I read other stories on here and hear them in my Alanon class
.. and I think "Oh, Why cant I think that way or
how come I cant be happy like everyone else in a recovery/recovering marriage?"

Understanding myself, and understanding reality.
Reality that Im not a clone. God is my creator. He loves
all of my quirks and understands me and loves me for who I am today.

Learning to understand myself and letting go, that its okay, if Im not like the others here on this forum or in life.

I am me...
:ghug3
Aww.. you are YOU, wonderful you BobbyJ!!!! I had those SAME thoughts for years and years. I thought if I worked the program right that I COULD live with an active alcoholic and all would be fine! I saw all those other people that could do it, well so could I, right?!?! Well, I did for a while, but the reality set it that it just wasn't the life I wanted. And that's okay!

What others are willing to accept is THEIR business, not mine. My AH is mad that I won't settle for the behaviors that his friends' wives settle for... too bad. Should have married their wife, not me.

I want what I want, and THAT IS OKAY.


I love that you posted this today. I'm right there with you!
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:26 AM
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Do I Love him for what he is today or what he was years ago?
Trust, Can I ever learn to trust him, do I want too?
Respect, Its all gone, will it come back, do I want it back?
Does it mean, that I dont love him, if I let him go?
Does it mean, I am learning to trust myself of what is right or wrong?
These are great questions... The 1st and 2nd ones I've been talking about in T for a few weeks. Realizing how I actually feel. I haven't been in touch with that or let myself think about what I really feel for fear of what it would mean in terms of my ability to keep living with madness, for years. I've been answering these questions for myself and the answers were sad at first but the more I talk about how I feel and accept that it's how I feel and is what it is and try to stop judging it, the better I feel about it.

I love who he used to be, I love what I thought we would be together, I love the glimpses I see of who we used to be together. I do not love who we are together now. I do not love him in the grips of addiction (whether actively drinking or not) and I love him enough to know that without ME focussing on just changing me, then I am actively contributing to the crazy cycle of addiction that has defined this marriage for years.

I don't trust him, I doubt I will again and if I had a magic wand and could change him overnight into who he was when I married him, I'm not sure that the me I am now wants to be with the him that he was then anymore. Doesn't mean I am better or worse than him- it just means to me that we have grown apart and may have whether addiction was there or not. I hope he'll get well so that he can be a part of his D's lives bc he can be a great Dad. But I don't really think I am in love with him or want to be anymore regardless of whether he gets "well" or not. I've said this out loud to my therapist and he told me I ought to "admit" it to friends or where it's safe to do so (obviously not to AH) so this seemed a good time to do that. I love him bc he's the man I married and father of my children and he has a good heart when not in the throws of addiction. So, I love him on these levels but not as a spouse or someone I want to be a partner with anymore...
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