Something happened today. When I woke up for work, I checked my email, went on facebook, my usual stuff. On my facebook wall- for those who don't know what it is, a "wall" is the place where people get constant updates on what their "friends" are up to. Anyways, there's 3 pics posted of ABF out with friends, in a sport jersey, with beers all over the table. He's flipping off the camera in one pic. So? I got upset. I got mad. I was triggered, withOUT digging. It popped up there without me doing anything. I thought,
I'll ask him when this was taken. No.
I'll ask his friend in the pic, who I'm also friends with, when this was taken. No.
I'll look in the closet for the shirt in the pic to see if this pic was taken yesterday and he went out drinking yesterday. No.
Be rational! Get a hold of yourself, CN! Good God... So what did I do? I took action. I deleted him from my facebook.
Anyone who uses facebook religiously like me knows that this is BIG action!!!
I got scared that he would be upset, be mad, not understand why I did it. I didn't care... then I did... then didn't, etc. So, this was our conversation (over text unfortunately, but better than none):
ME: Hi Honey, i wanted to let you know that I deleted our facebook friendship.
HIM: Why?
ME: Some pics of you drinking got posted to my wall today and it triggered me, and I got upset. I am not going to accept being triggered by pics of you drinking so I removed the source.
HIM: The ones "nameless" tagged of me on my page? How did they get on your wall???
ME: Don't know.
HIM: Those pics were taken two years ago.
HIM: Those pics were taken two years ago.
ME: The pics upset me. I am not gonna accept being triggered by pictures of you drinking, I deleted the source, thats all.
HIM: But there's pics on my page from our trip to blank. Do those bother you?
ME: Yes
HIM: Ok
I KNOW there's a boundary in there somewhere! I'm protecting myself from the trigger of seeing pics of him drinking. I wasn't going to initiate the conversation about it, but I thought about it... if i didn't tell him I deleted him as a "facebook friend" , he would have found out and been hurt, probably felt betrayed, then mad, probably confused, and probably not made the connection to the drinking. I know the feeling when something like this happens, its like when your heart drops into your stomach. It sucks. I felt that connecting my action (deleting him) to the drinking was an important point in this case. I preferred to communicate with him first. Protecting his feelings? Maybe, but I'm not a hurtful or spiteful person and neither is he. I wasn't out to punish him, or hurt him. I just wanted to protect myself from the trigger.
This piggybacks on some comments on my last thread which I got GREAT feedback!
Originally Posted by
ValJester 
I asked this before when I was using a different name, but do we sometimes have tendency to be punitive in our withdrawal of help under the banner of enabling. Sure someone should suffer the consequences of a DUI, but does it preclude helping them get about for valid purposes? If someone were recovering from another medical illness and couldn't work would we refuse to support them at all, if it were our loved one. Do we call it 'enabling' with 'alcoholism' but we might call it 'helping' with another illness. Where does simply being a kind partner end and enabling begin? I understand that if the alocoholic does not experience the (full) consequences of the addition, they will not seek recovery, but how far do we go? For me when I have a decision about whether to help with something or not, and I'm leaning towards "not". I have to check in with myself that it is not punitive action on my part. Al-Anon says we should be encouraging and understanding of the alcoholic, if they are doing good things (working, trying to get home after) I would help if I could as long as it didn't put me out too much.
Thank you so much for this, Val. I've been thinking over and over the driving thing and in making it ABOUT ME and not punishing him... In my case, NOT picking him up on the night I want to go to alanon would be for me. On the other night where I'm usually not doing anything and its not getting in my way, that would be a punishment. Ahhhhh... I see the light!
You guys are AWESOME!!! I will definitely "keep coming"