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I'm getting it! I feel good!

Old 04-26-2011, 02:01 AM
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I'm getting it! I feel good!

Something happened today. When I woke up for work, I checked my email, went on facebook, my usual stuff. On my facebook wall- for those who don't know what it is, a "wall" is the place where people get constant updates on what their "friends" are up to. Anyways, there's 3 pics posted of ABF out with friends, in a sport jersey, with beers all over the table. He's flipping off the camera in one pic. So? I got upset. I got mad. I was triggered, withOUT digging. It popped up there without me doing anything. I thought, I'll ask him when this was taken. No. I'll ask his friend in the pic, who I'm also friends with, when this was taken. No. I'll look in the closet for the shirt in the pic to see if this pic was taken yesterday and he went out drinking yesterday. No. Be rational! Get a hold of yourself, CN! Good God... So what did I do? I took action. I deleted him from my facebook. Anyone who uses facebook religiously like me knows that this is BIG action!!!

I got scared that he would be upset, be mad, not understand why I did it. I didn't care... then I did... then didn't, etc. So, this was our conversation (over text unfortunately, but better than none):

ME: Hi Honey, i wanted to let you know that I deleted our facebook friendship.
HIM: Why?
ME: Some pics of you drinking got posted to my wall today and it triggered me, and I got upset. I am not going to accept being triggered by pics of you drinking so I removed the source.
HIM: The ones "nameless" tagged of me on my page? How did they get on your wall???
ME: Don't know.
HIM: Those pics were taken two years ago.
HIM: Those pics were taken two years ago.
ME: The pics upset me. I am not gonna accept being triggered by pictures of you drinking, I deleted the source, thats all.
HIM: But there's pics on my page from our trip to blank. Do those bother you?
ME: Yes
HIM: Ok

I KNOW there's a boundary in there somewhere! I'm protecting myself from the trigger of seeing pics of him drinking. I wasn't going to initiate the conversation about it, but I thought about it... if i didn't tell him I deleted him as a "facebook friend" , he would have found out and been hurt, probably felt betrayed, then mad, probably confused, and probably not made the connection to the drinking. I know the feeling when something like this happens, its like when your heart drops into your stomach. It sucks. I felt that connecting my action (deleting him) to the drinking was an important point in this case. I preferred to communicate with him first. Protecting his feelings? Maybe, but I'm not a hurtful or spiteful person and neither is he. I wasn't out to punish him, or hurt him. I just wanted to protect myself from the trigger.

This piggybacks on some comments on my last thread which I got GREAT feedback!

Originally Posted by ValJester View Post
I asked this before when I was using a different name, but do we sometimes have tendency to be punitive in our withdrawal of help under the banner of enabling. Sure someone should suffer the consequences of a DUI, but does it preclude helping them get about for valid purposes? If someone were recovering from another medical illness and couldn't work would we refuse to support them at all, if it were our loved one. Do we call it 'enabling' with 'alcoholism' but we might call it 'helping' with another illness. Where does simply being a kind partner end and enabling begin? I understand that if the alocoholic does not experience the (full) consequences of the addition, they will not seek recovery, but how far do we go? For me when I have a decision about whether to help with something or not, and I'm leaning towards "not". I have to check in with myself that it is not punitive action on my part. Al-Anon says we should be encouraging and understanding of the alcoholic, if they are doing good things (working, trying to get home after) I would help if I could as long as it didn't put me out too much.
Thank you so much for this, Val. I've been thinking over and over the driving thing and in making it ABOUT ME and not punishing him... In my case, NOT picking him up on the night I want to go to alanon would be for me. On the other night where I'm usually not doing anything and its not getting in my way, that would be a punishment. Ahhhhh... I see the light! You guys are AWESOME!!! I will definitely "keep coming"
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Old 04-26-2011, 09:05 AM
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That's great - especially in the careful wording of expressing your new-found boundary! That was always my sticking point... and ABF rarely responded with acceptance of it!

Nice work ~ recovery is compounded of these little bits of time where we are ourselves.

- Sylvie
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:55 AM
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Good job !!! I liked the dettached way you mentioned it...
FB sucks.... I seldom use it anymore... triggers my codependency way too much.
When it is about US there is no way to lose I am glad you are starting to protect yourself from triggers. That is a HUGE step forward!
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:03 AM
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Good for you.
Facebook is crap.

Now imagine what happens next in your recovery?
You have a boundary. You take action. You don't feel a need to give your ABF an update or for that matter, have a discussion about it. For a while there I had a need to be self justified. I wanted to tell my AW that I took action to combat the booze. I expected a reaction. I wanted a reaction. I needed a reaction. All of that noise is not part of detachment, in my books. These days, life is much easier because I don't do something and feel the need to discuss it with my AW. I just do it.
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:07 AM
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I think you did great. Good job.
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:17 AM
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Way to go! Keep up the good work!
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:21 AM
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Great for you!

I never set up a Facebook account.
The more I see what happens on Facebook, the more reason I have to not have one.

Enforce your boundaries.
Life only gets better, when you do.

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Old 04-26-2011, 12:09 PM
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I got that same impression, too.

Seems like making it clear that the drinking photos trigger you, is once again making it about you.

Now mind you, I am the EXPERT in that kind of behavior. And I DID get spiteful and mean. I actually DID want to punish him and felt so hurt, I wanted him to hurt like I did. So, I'm one to talk!

At least I admit it..

Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Good for you.
Facebook is crap.

Now imagine what happens next in your recovery?
You have a boundary. You take action. You don't feel a need to give your ABF an update or for that matter, have a discussion about it. For a while there I had a need to be self justified. I wanted to tell my AW that I took action to combat the booze. I expected a reaction. I wanted a reaction. I needed a reaction. All of that noise is not part of detachment, in my books. These days, life is much easier because I don't do something and feel the need to discuss it with my AW. I just do it.
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Old 04-26-2011, 12:48 PM
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Yep. I've learned when walking the high road, it's best not to travel the low one. I always got hurt when my intentions were bad.
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Old 04-26-2011, 01:18 PM
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Oh MY, I really relate to your Facebook pain. We use our pages to promote our business, so it's happy happy isn't this fun on his page every day, while I'm thinking, no, this is NOT fun at all. I don't want to ever see another photo of him toasting the camera.
You were brave to delete him. It's such an addiction to check every day expecting more pain and aggravation. I'm working on that one.
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Old 04-26-2011, 01:20 PM
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People aren't told they've been deleted.

Not only that you can click the 'x' by their post and
they won't show up on your 'view' any more.

and yes - you ARE getting it!
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Old 04-26-2011, 01:54 PM
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I quit Facebook for TC999's reason - found I got triggered over inconsequential things that in reality I would overlook. People have an easier time being nasty and/or passive/aggressive online than in person.

But you are getting it - and Val did say it well in your quote above. Thanks for sharing that again.
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Old 04-26-2011, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
People aren't told they've been deleted.

Not only that you can click the 'x' by their post and
they won't show up on your 'view' any more.

and yes - you ARE getting it!
Ohhhhh yaaaa, I totally forgot you could block certain posts without deleting the person! I have a friend that used to tie up my newsfeed alll day with like a million posts so i blocked her posts and now i never see them, ever. But, im not sure it works the same if people tag pics of people... either way, im glad I don't have to be subjected to random old/new/whatever photos of my ABF drinking! But you know, FB does kinda suck. I didn't want to delete my entire account because I do use it for networking... but for about the first 6-8 months of our relationship we were not FB friends because it only causes bad feelings, jealousy, crazy-making behavior! He told me, yes, I'll be your friend, but if it causes any problems, I'm deleting my FB page. Little did I know I would be the one doing the deleting!!
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Old 04-27-2011, 05:01 AM
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Good for you! And I do get how big a deal it is. I had my heart in my mouth when I deleted my XABF. I have a thread on here about it from the early days - I literally needed coaching through it. Which is unthinkable to me now but that's where I was. I didn't want to be "rude" ... to a man who had been cheating on me for the last two months of our relationship.

But it was hurting me to have that link - so scary to cut it though as I was hypervigilant for so much of the relationship.

Props to you - must have been so much harder, and braver, to delete someone you're still in a relationship with.

Hugs,

SL.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:48 AM
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Wow... Thats really an insightful thing to do. You saw a source of hurt and dealt with it in a healthy way. Its baby steps to some people but huge leaps for people in our situations.
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