I never said you weren't putting your kids first. And I'm sorry you felt attacked. Most of my story is on this board if you wish to read it.
The part of your story I am relating to right now is this. I had no idea what codependency was. I had no idea that what I was doing was enabling. Then, I found this board, got a therapist, read a few books and OMG, the light came on! I suddenly saw that there was another way to live. That what I had been doing all along was making it WORSE! So, now I knew better.
The problem was, I figured ME changing could fix things. As soon as he saw the different way of living I was setting by example, he would change, too. Now, if you had called me on that when I was doing it, I probably would have blown up. Not me! I'm getting better! I'm in recovery now! That's the thing about denial. If we knew we were in it, we wouldn't be in it, lol.
Anyway, I kicked my husband out of the house in a fit of anger that had been several years in the making. Only after that, did I find therapy, SR, etc. He quit drinking several months later and we tried reconciling about a year after we separated. Unfortunately, his behaviors (selfishness, immaturity, emotional abuse) were still there. And, even though I tried my hardest to be my recovered self, I could not do it.
I wanted so badly to have my dream. The happy family, growing old together, sitting in our rocking chairs on the porch........
I don't know better than you, I've just been where you are. It sucks, it's painful, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. It just pains me to see someone else go through the same stuff. But, it takes what it takes, doesn't it?
L