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Perhaps a taste of his own medicine?

Old 04-25-2011, 04:51 PM
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Perhaps a taste of his own medicine?

I had to have my mom pick up my girls from school today bc I got hit with a stomach bug going around and have been out of commission since last night.

She took them to her house to play and AH offered to pick them up there and bring them home.

They walked in the door with D5 bawling (I guess she was being fresh and AH told her she didn't get to have an easter basket treat as a result). I played with them, made dinner, read stories and finally asked if he'd help bc I was running back and forth to the bathroom still really sick...

I went up to lay down and 2 seconds later they started fighting/crying etc...

Fast fwd they are finally heading to bed. I hear D5 ask AH 'wait I forgot to brush my teeth, aren't we supposed to do that?" and he barks 'just get in bed'. Not another peep out of her. I risked him getting mad at me and said after he put her to bed, 'it's fine to tell her let's just skip it tonight, but don't you think we ought to answer her when she asks us things? I worry that she will think it's okay to ignore someone when she's asked a question and I don't want to teach her that'.

He responded and said 'I'm f'ing tired, in a bad mood because of your explative mother and you and your being "sick" is just f'ing selfish'.

I got up to go downstairs to put D3 to bed seeing as he was in a foul mood and simply said 'I'm sorry you're tired and in a bad mood- that doesn't justify talking to me that way".

I put D3 to bed and went to the kitchen assuming he was gone. He was still there and apologized for biting my head off but of course added a "but your mom was really awful to me when I picked the girls up". I just looked at him. He continued and went on to say "I couldn't prove it, it was all just subtle body language, eye raising, and an angry vibe from her but I could tell exactly what she was doing and why and it was f'ing obnxious". I responded and said that sounded tense and that he should tell her how he felt. He responded that that was pointless since he had no proof and then rattled off all the excuses he "knew" she'd give to explain away what she was doing even though he knew better and knew she was doing it intentionallly.

I just stood there, stunned, thinking : are you seriously whining about my mom treating you precisely the way you treat me and admitting that you know exactly what she is doing (even though it was all unspoken) and why because you pretty much do the same thing?

I am sooooo tempted to want to tell him that I am sorry she was being passive aggressive and point out to him that I hope he knows now what I feel like 24:7 when he's around. Just this weekend he was doing this same passive aggressive b.s. and anytime during our marriage that I have called him on it he's given me all the lines he claimed my mom would give him if he were to call her on her behavior.

I've tried to tell myself he's "unaware" of what he does and that it's all part of the addict thinking and not a conscious abusive choice, but tonight blew that theory out of the water.

Is it ironic at all does anyone think that I was reading Why Does He Do That? today?

I am sure that the girls paid a price as did I for my mother being passive aggressive toward him and I wish my mother wouldn't do so. Not because I care how he feels but bc the price for the rest of us is too great when he feels he's been "mistreated".

He has a justification for all the abuse he dishes out but lest anyone treat him badly, boy, tonight sure demonstrated what king baby he truly is.

Unreal.
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Old 04-25-2011, 05:01 PM
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Wow. I had a hard time wrapping my head 'round the concept that XAH was abusive and passive aggressive deliberately but you've just been given a great big sign that it is deliberate! I find it scary that people can think like that. And that I married one...
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Old 04-25-2011, 05:09 PM
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It was ironic I went to a huge bookfair and there was one copy of that book "Why Does He Do That?" and I knew it was there for me to buy. All other books had cases and cases. There was one. It is an eyeopener. The more I am aware of syncronicities/coincidences/whatevers the more I notice them happening to me or for me.
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Old 04-25-2011, 05:14 PM
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Originally Posted by bookwyrm View Post
Wow. I had a hard time wrapping my head 'round the concept that XAH was abusive and passive aggressive deliberately but you've just been given a great big sign that it is deliberate! I find it scary that people can think like that. And that I married one...


Yeah I have tried to tell myself for years that this is not intentional and that it's sad and it's subconscious and if he works on it it could change...

And maybe the latter part is true-- but boy did he just show his true colors tonight.

And, I did (just 5 min ago) tell him that I hoped he could remember, the next time he chooses to act in a passive aggressive way with me or anyone else, just how angry/frustrated he just felt. He looked at me and said "that wasn't what I was upset about-- it was that I was afraid your mom would verbally attack me about "us" in front of the girls". I just looked at him and said okay and then said that I knew for me that I sure appreciate directness instead of passive aggressiveness. He said "yeah me too, passive aggressive crap like your mom's is madening".

He's definitely losing the ability to keep up the lies/stories/acts... What's that AA expression? More will be revealed or something like that? Boy did tonight reveal a lot.

And best of all... I am not the least bit upset by it.
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Old 04-25-2011, 06:18 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
He responded and said 'I'm f'ing tired, in a bad mood because of your explative mother and you and your being "sick" is just f'ing selfish'.

tell my why again you have someone with that mean, angry abusive attitude in your home? the children were distraught when he got them home, he was hostile towards you and them, the children were acting out, he snapped at them, and in your own words - the children paid the price for HIS behavior. it isn't your MOTHER, it's HIM......i just don't understand allowing that negative energy into your home???
Amen and Amen.
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Old 04-25-2011, 06:27 PM
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And best of all... I am not the least bit upset by it.

See, this is where you and I have a totally different outlook. I would have been furious!! I would have told him in no uncertain terms that he would NOT talk to the children that way NO MATTER WHAT! Then he would find himself on the other side of the front door.
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Old 04-25-2011, 06:56 PM
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didn't you just say in the other thread that "he comes into the house after 10PM" and is just there to sleep???

wow, it seems like you send a lot of mixed messages....I'm sorry that your kids are being push/pulled.

sometimes it's hard to be a single parent...being sick is difficult especially every week...your stress level isn't helping your body.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
And best of all... I am not the least bit upset by it.

See, this is where you and I have a totally different outlook. I would have been furious!! I would have told him in no uncertain terms that he would NOT talk to the children that way NO MATTER WHAT! Then he would find himself on the other side of the front door.

Missed the point AGAIN. Nothing in what I said said I wasn't upset by how he spoke to the girls.

Suki, please leave me alone. You are bordering on bullying and I've had enough. Please stop. I've asked you politely, I've asked you to stop selectively choosing phrases to support a point you want to make whether it's accurate or not and you can not stop yourself. Please stop.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
didn't you just say in the other thread that "he comes into the house after 10PM" and is just there to sleep???

wow, it seems like you send a lot of mixed messages....I'm sorry that your kids are being push/pulled.

sometimes it's hard to be a single parent...being sick is difficult especially every week...your stress level isn't helping your body.
Fandy,
If you have chosen to jump on the Suki led bandwagon that's your prerogative but it seems to me that there are a few of you a little too focussed on pointing out my "inconsistencies" and asking me to defend myself.

He picked the girls up at my mom's bc I was vomiting and had diarreah all day. Then he left. Is that okay with you?

Please stop posting on my threads until or unless you can get off the passive aggressive kick you are on.

You don't know what goes on with my kids and I suspect that no matter what I wrote here you and your cohort would joyfully find something to be pissy about.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:18 PM
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In remembering your story, I'd say he showed his true colors when he assaulted you . So his snapping at your daughter doesn't surprise me at all. I read of a controlling, abusive and manipulative man who is an alcoholic when you tell your story.

Glad your girls are in therapy so you are definately aware of who he is. You are getting it and realize you need to do something about it... I really really really encourage you to work with a DV agency in your area.. before another crisis hits. You may be already but you don't have to wait until he escalates (again). A DV agency can sometimes open up better access for you in terms of legal stuff, etc if you are financially strapped.

I feel for you and in reading your story I also think you tend to minimize the husband abuser and focus on the husband alcoholic. Neither one you can change.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
He responded and said 'I'm f'ing tired, in a bad mood because of your explative mother and you and your being "sick" is just f'ing selfish'.

tell my why again you have someone with that mean, angry abusive attitude in your home? the children were distraught when he got them home, he was hostile towards you and them, the children were acting out, he snapped at them, and in your own words - the children paid the price for HIS behavior. it isn't your MOTHER, it's HIM......i just don't understand allowing that negative energy into your home???

Read my post. That will answer your question... or just chat with Suki and continue the judging game that seems to be entertaining several around here tonight.

No kidding it's not my mom who is the issue. DUH.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:27 PM
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i think you are being VERY rude to many people...this is a public forum...but there is an ignore button if you don't wish to see certain posts....there is no "MY thread".

I hope you feel better in the future.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:30 PM
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WTBH- do you attend Al-Anon?
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:37 PM
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Originally Posted by ANEWAUGUST View Post
WTBH- do you attend Al-Anon?
Yup. And the whole conversation on an earlier post about compassion comes from what I've been trying to figure out there...
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
I feel for you and in reading your story I also think you tend to minimize the husband abuser and focus on the husband alcoholic. Neither one you can change.
I don't know about WTBH's situation... but I know the above quote holds true for me. I focus all too often on the drinking... and the fixation that if that went away, we would have a fighting chance at a normal marriage. Nevermind all the verbal abuse (name calling, emotional terrorism, etc) and the whole grabbing me by the throat... all that is a seperate ball of wax that I tend to overlook.

I know that you and I deserve better, and so do our children. I see my AH acting out towards them, particularly with that short fuse he uses towards me, and I use that to motivate me onward and upward.

I think you, like me, are very aware that things aren't right. It's really hard to have people here "call us out"... but if something is said that hits a nerve, maybe sit with it a minute? Let your nerve endings settle and then think about why it is that it bothers you. I know for me, it usually bothers me because it's a truth that I'm struggling to accept. I know it's there (like the elephant in the room!) but I want sooo badly for it to not be there. And maybe just maybe, if I ignore it... it will go away.

But, after 10 years of ignoring it and denying it, I'm up to my ears in elephant poop and the damn thing isn't going to leave on it's own!! I don't want my marriage to end. I don't want to be single. But I don't want to keep riding the merry-go-round either. This is no way to live.

Hang in there...
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
i think you are being VERY rude to many people...this is a public forum...but there is an ignore button if you don't wish to see certain posts....there is no "MY thread".

I hope you feel better in the future.

No Fandy, I am not. I think that I asked you and Suki to stop analyzing and instead read what I actually said and you both couldn't stop yourselves and I asked repeatedly and you have been bordering on abusive in terms of things you said on the other thread.

If you are unhappy with how I am living my life, look at your own life and ask what you can do differently. Maybe the problem Fandy is that you have issues and instead of wanting to deal with those, you instead choose to attack me.

Please stop posting if you do not have anything other than accusations, distortions and judgements to make.

I think that after asking for 30 min earlier, you could have either left the thread or taken responsibility. You chose to do neither. Please just leave me alone.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:43 PM
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I think you are doing the best to protect your kids. It isn't a simple situation, it never is. Anyone who has gone through a divorce knows this. The thing with abuse is that it triggers lots of reactions on here because sometimes others can see it, esp if they themselves have direct experience with it in relation to alcoholism.

You can't really do anything in haste and I get that. But the key is remembering that the abuse is mutually exclusive from the drinking. I think that is part of what others are trying to point out to you. The drinking may bring it out in him but it is there regardless, in any situation he is in. He is an abuser who drinks is basically what folks are saying. So you are doing the best you can to cope... so the question becomes, what do you do beyond coping?

Don't be discouraged by the feedback here. People really do care and are not judging. They are truly trying to protect you although it may not feel like that.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:44 PM
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As I said last week, I really am fine with being "called" on stuff... My issue is when I say "this is what I mean, this is what I feel, this is what I think, this is what is going on" and others feel it necessary to say "actually you don't know yourself-- I know better".

That doesn't feel like being called on stuff... know what I mean...

Regardless of what a few around here seem to think, I am making plans to move forward and have made many changes for the better for my girls and I.

Like you, it's not as simple as pack up and disappear--- I want the girls to have a r/s with their Dad, there are financial issues keeping us from have 2 totally separate houses etc... But I know I am doing the best I can and keep my interactions with him to a bare minimum (except for my stupidity on Sat) and the girls and I are far better than we were a few weeks ago and in a few weeks more I imagine we will be better still...
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:49 PM
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It is tough and very very complicated. Many of us do understand for our own reasons (I grew up with a dad much like your husband so my life has been shaped by what my mom 'put up with'). It really does affect your kids and you never gave a sign that you didn't understand this.

Having lived it, I know it is so hard to find an easy solution. My dad wasn't an alcholic though so that adds on another layer which makes it even tougher to sort out.

Take some deeeep breaths and know that people on here DO get it
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
I think you are doing the best to protect your kids. It isn't a simple situation, it never is. Anyone who has gone through a divorce knows this. The thing with abuse is that it triggers lots of reactions on here because sometimes others can see it, esp if they themselves have direct experience with it in relation to alcoholism.

You can't really do anything in haste and I get that. But the key is remembering that the abuse is mutually exclusive from the drinking. I think that is part of what others are trying to point out to you. The drinking may bring it out in him but it is there regardless, in any situation he is in. He is an abuser who drinks is basically what folks are saying. So you are doing the best you can to cope... so the question becomes, what do you do beyond coping?

Don't be discouraged by the feedback here. People really do care and are not judging. They are truly trying to protect you although it may not feel like that.
Babyblue- I think that this site is a microcosm of society... some people are well intentioned, some are in deeper with their issues and some just aren't very nice and I need to learn better to not take out of line behavior personally....

I would NEVER tell someone "I hear you saying X but I know better and you really mean Y". That's the only advice I dislike. It's pompous and unnecessary.

As far as the abuse-- yes, he was abusive, there is a trial in about a week, I see more and more clearly that the abuse is separate from the alcoholism and have no expectation that either is going to go away anytime soon if at all.
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