Wendy welcome to the recovery forum.I understand your dilemna. You have some clean time although you've had periods of relapse.Look at it this way, (research) being relapse and you need to do more research to be sure it is what you think it is. Now you know, let's move on to discovery, that is do the research to discover that recovery from alcoholism/addiction is possible. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict celebrating eight years this year. I am living proof that after umpteen years using drugs and alcohol that you can recover. How did I do it? I went into in-patient treatment, I came out and started to go to meetings, I obtained a sponsor who I still have today. I "work the steps"----The Twelve Steps of NA/AA self-help meetings. My suggestion to you is to accept that you are an alcoholic/addict and that you are powerless over this "disease of addiction" and go to meetings regularly. Ninety meetings in ninety days, get a sponsor and please come back and post on this site and let us know how you are doing. We believe in you, we love you and we will do so until you love yourself.
Just for Today-------I am Sober