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Bad night need to get off my chest

Old 02-23-2002, 04:20 PM
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Post Bad night need to get off my chest

Well I'm having a bad night & went to a 7:30 meeting and no one else there. UGH!!! I have been sober since July 9 with 3 one-day relapses the last one being last Sunday. This time it is so hard! I'm disappointed in the relapses but not convinced it won't happen again so I feel very stuck. I've been thinking "maybe I should have one more last drunk?" Lots of people at meetings say them remember their last drunk. I don't know if I do (from original sobriety in July). I know I was in a deep daily habit of drinking but it was such the norm of life for me then, it wasn't exactly "the last drunk." I am confusing even myself these days. Life just seems hard lately. Very hard and I'm only 31 and worry that a life in recovery is going to be such a constant struggle.
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Old 02-23-2002, 04:50 PM
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Hi Wendy, I can feel where you are comming from. I am recovering from two days of drinking. I have put some time together and once I feel better and strong I drink. The problem with my last drunk lately is that my drinking abilities have changed. Over the last few months I have started having black outs. I am 53 and I can tell you that it has never gotten any better. Every time I think I have reached the bottom I find a trap door.
Instead of closing the door I jump in for the free fall. Speaking of falling that is also something new. One thing that helps me rember some of the drunks are the cuts and bruises on my body from falling. They are like a history book of my recent drunks. They are in different stages of the healing process. Thursday night was really bad. I came out of my black out at the wrong train station. On my way to find a cab I feel down the escalater and my pant leg got stuck. I had to rip the bottom of my pant leg. I don't have all the answers for your question, but I can tell you if you continue to drink you Will end up like I explained. I have been lucky, that I have stayed alive for many last drunks. There are many that don't. I only know this. I hope I am in my last recovery and I hope you choose not to put yourself through hell. It is hard and it is going to be a life time job but it is a illness and just like if we had cancer, heart problems etc. we need to take our medication. I don't understand why we make such a big deal of it but, we do. I am allergic to peniclin and I don't go to the doctor and ask him to give me a shot of it. I used to think the same thing, people are funny about alcohol. If I was allergic to green beans and told someone I couldn't eat them nobody says a thing, but tell someone you can't drink and the questions start. When I have ordered an odouls you can see the heads turn and I asked Whats wrong? Just hang in there keep posting and sharing. I had gone onto chat room but, you were logging out. We are here to help you and we need you to help us Don W
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Old 02-23-2002, 05:07 PM
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Dear Don W,

Maybe you need stay away from those people who turn their heads. Stay close to your AA friends. I had to turn my life around 180 degrees,which included a divorce.

I had to learn to live sober. I even had to learn to dance sober, type sober, communicate with my employer sober and make love sober. It was not over night. I had to unlearn twenty-five years of drinking. Actually, after the initial shock, I had fun getting sober. All my socializing was with AA fellows. Getting involved in AA, especially H & I, really was the answer. Participate in your recovery.

Love, Pickle

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Old 02-23-2002, 07:50 PM
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Thanks pickle, I am going to change and get involved with my recovery. I am going with AA. I was responding to Wendy's question about one more good drunk. In a way I really needed to see it in print. In my case there are no more good drunks and hasn't been for a long time. I agree about the comparing. The other night while out drinking I talked to a homeless man. I talked to him, bought him a sandwich and told him to have faith,I use to spend time on the street and look at me I made it off. What a joke, I proceeded to get drunk and fall home. The fact is he and I are the same, I just have a home. I am going to get better, I just need to be honest about where I am. And I was hoping Wendy see the hoplessness of that last good drunk. Have a good 24. I am doing OK. Don W
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Old 02-23-2002, 09:58 PM
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Wendy welcome to the recovery forum.I understand your dilemna. You have some clean time although you've had periods of relapse.Look at it this way, (research) being relapse and you need to do more research to be sure it is what you think it is. Now you know, let's move on to discovery, that is do the research to discover that recovery from alcoholism/addiction is possible. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict celebrating eight years this year. I am living proof that after umpteen years using drugs and alcohol that you can recover. How did I do it? I went into in-patient treatment, I came out and started to go to meetings, I obtained a sponsor who I still have today. I "work the steps"----The Twelve Steps of NA/AA self-help meetings. My suggestion to you is to accept that you are an alcoholic/addict and that you are powerless over this "disease of addiction" and go to meetings regularly. Ninety meetings in ninety days, get a sponsor and please come back and post on this site and let us know how you are doing. We believe in you, we love you and we will do so until you love yourself.

Just for Today-------I am Sober
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Old 02-24-2002, 03:22 AM
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Wendy,
Hi there - I was where you are in November/December. I'd been sober for a year and a half, and insomnia drove me to look for solutions to sleep deprivation - namely, booze. I knew I was an alcoholic, I couldn't accept it, and thought I could handle a couple of glasses of wine at bedtime to sleep. On top of the insomnia, I was having alot of resentments to "friends" who forgot my birthday. So I promised myself only a "couple" of nights of drinking - just to "sleep." HAH! Of course I slept -- restlessly, and woke very early around 2 or 3 a.m. And I felt awful - hungover, puking, shaking. Never the less, the insanity of this disease decided that wine at bedtime was the way to go, and soon it was wine right after work, then wine all day Saturday and Sunday. And before I knew it, in 4 weekends time, I was sicker than when I had gotten sober a year and a half ago! Pernell is absolutely 100% correct - and that is how I'm doing it this time. I admitted myself to inpatient treatment for 8 days, and continued with outpatient treatment for 6 weeks after that. Now I'm making it, one day at a time, with a wonderful sponsor, working the steps with her, doing meetings every day. There's no magic to the solution - it just works. Good luck and take care. "One more drunk" for you and me might be our last - I've known too many alcoholics who just wanted "one more drunk", and then I attended their funeral the following week. It's so sad. I don't want to end up like them - I hope you don't want that either.
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Old 02-24-2002, 04:44 AM
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Hi Sylvrymoon, It is a hard process but, I agree, when we do it the way suggested it works so much better. I have a real problem with that also. I don't know why I have a problem with people telling me what to do. I know they are right but, in the past I always thought I had a better way. I like you and others ended up in the same or worse position. Eveyone has been telling me to go to AA. I don't want to but, I am doing it anyway. I have to force myself to stay for the whole meeting. I am also like I hope Wendy and others following Pernell's and others advice. I am happy that you are doing good. It shows me that their way works mine don't. I hope I have also had my last drunk and also am concerned about running out of recoveries. I better hold on to this one. Have a good day. Don W
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Old 02-24-2002, 07:31 AM
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Well it's Sunday morning a new 24 hours. I am going to a meeting tonight and spending the day with a girlfriend. I need to just recognize bad days and remember, just never to pick up that first drink. For awhile, I am giving money and access to money to my husband just to be on the safe side. Meeting with a recovery program on Tues. for an assessment; may start an outpatient program there. I need tools to stop these relapses.
THANKS everyone for their advice! I'll definitely keep on this board!
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Old 02-24-2002, 10:29 AM
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Wendy,
Great! An outpatient program is a good place to go for the education. . . because we certainly need to educate ourselves on the damage done by alcohol and drugs. And while you're doing the outpatient, remember to say your prayers and thank God for the opportunity to recover, go to meetings, get a sponsor and listen to what she says. You have to do the hard work yourself, but it is SO worth it!!

Don,
I have read most of your posts, on this board, and the NA board. I know you've been having a hard time with the whole recovery process, but I can also see that you really want it. It's more than letting your wife and kids down - it's killing you, slowly but surely. I also see hope in your postings -- and that's a very good thing, because there is hope out there. We just have to grab onto it, and stay close to God and the program.
Don, you say you've had your last drunk. But I hear a lot of future-thinking in that statement. Tell yourself you're staying sober, just for today, just for now, just for these 5 minutes, and then go on to the next 5 minutes. It's the only way to make it through. Sometimes I tell myself that if I make it through today, I can drink tomorrow. But you know what?! I wake up the next day, clear headed, happy and grateful to be sober, productive at work, happy in my relations with friends and co-workers, and I don't WANT that drink! But leaving the open option of drinking "tomorrow" is a good one for me, and hopefully "tomorrow" will never come. But that's future-thinking too, and I just want to stay in today - sober, happy and healthy.

Good luck and God Bless both Don and Wendy. We're all in this together!
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