Finding Peace and Getting By... both your posts are ones I could write. I've had that very conversation... This whole part below is like a script of the past 2 years... round and round we go and I say things that I think any sensible person would "get" and I get the silence and indignant, pissed off responses... Glad you got verification that he's not going to change-- though I do wish for you that he'd responded differently. I feel your heartache and missing what you thought you'd have and wish you could have. It sucks that we still love them and who we thought they were-- it makes accepting that they are likely to never change really really hard. At least for me...
So, I asked him, how has this whole thing changed you? If we were (theoretically) still together and you were having a hard time again, how would I know you were going to behave any different?
He began (for the eight jillionth time) to explain how he was feeling on the big blow up day (essentially that me confronting him on lying/hiding alcohol, depression and addiction was me hating "everything" about him and wanting to emotionally tear him down which made him feel threatened and abused and angry and hurt).
He says, "how many times do I have to explain and when are you going to hear me? We both can't hear one another. That's our problem."
I said, "I DO hear you and you don't have to explain ever again. The thing is, those feelings (that I hated him) were based on erroneous beliefs. I'm not taking away your feelings. They are totally valid, based on what you THOUGHT I felt and believed. The problem is, I don't feel and believe what you think. I loved you. I believed I could share my concerns with you and you could hear them. I believed we could face these concerns and deal with them as a team.
So, I understood how you felt THEN, but now that you know what you know...have you reframed what happened? Do you see it differently?"
No answer.
It was a hardware store for bread moment.
So, after a while, I asked, "Do you REALLY believe I never loved you and you had to force me to marry you?"
Silence.
Then he says, "I felt strong feelings! That's totally valid in this circumstance. You're trying to take away my right to feel. It is healthy to feel things! I felt that way THEN!"
I replied, "Yes, but there is a difference between contextualizing your feelings and talking ABOUT them with me rather than coming FROM your feelings and DUMPING them.
"I am feeling like you never loved me and it makes me feel sad" is different from "you never loved me".
He sees no difference.