Hydrogirl...Thank You, I needed to hear that today.
Its been so long , I dont know what the heck is normal anymore.
Yesterday, I went to the doctor and it was kind of like a miracle in disguise.
Doctor visit + 2 hour lecture....$25 copay (I like)
My doctor just happen to be in alanon for 30+ years. I explained to him
how I was feeling.
He sat back and gave me a 2 hour lecture on learning to take care of yourself.
Along with the dynamics of personalities and grieving.
He told me, that I was grieving the loss of my daughters relationship
but he can hear, that I have finally surrendered to the shame/denial that I have
been carrying on my back of not being a good mom,(The perfect mom).
With just healing from the daughters story, and now you get hit again, with grieving the loss of your husband (the person you once loved). He said I was expecting too much from myself, and putting too many demands on myself, to be (The perfect wife)
Once again, work on shame/ denial / guilt of not being the (The perfect wife)
Learn to work on being (Perfect for You)
He said that sometimes our bodies get into a depressed state
and it is hard to see what is real and what is not.
That is a normal feeling for people who have lived with an alcoholic.
It takes time...
Learn to work on myself instead of being so hard on myself.
When you put the pressures on yourself to be
(the perfect wife, the perfect mother), you wont be able to see beyond the trees.
With you having a high strung personality, most of the time you can work better
under pressure. Your more creative under pressure. But here you are, with
this pressure of being (the perfect wife) and your in limbo, your a mess.
Think about what is the difference that your feeling with these two types of pressure.
Pressures that make you achieve & drive you
or Pressures that make you grieve in relationships.
You are a highly motivated person, with a master mind. Your a sucessful business woman, a loving mother. Your mind never stops thinking and your very creative.
Work on learning the differences of good pressures vs bad pressures. Learn what
makes you tick and learn how you got there.
He told me to: Figure out why I think I always feel like I have to be the (perfect) one
in a relationship...
His last words: Go back to your childhood, and be sure to dig deep.....