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How do I handle the sad voice?

Old 04-21-2011, 10:16 PM
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How do I handle the sad voice?

As most of you know, my AH (so called??RAH) moved away.
I have only seen him 3 weeks out of 5 months.

He called 5 times today and I did not answer. I told him I would
NOT talk to him while I was at work. After work I had appointments
to attend and could not answer the phone.

Tonight, he leaves me a message on my phone..
He was So So Sad..(On the verge of crying)
"Please do me a favor, get a divorce and tell me its over, I cant handle
this anymore, Why wont you talk to me"

After 5 months now, there really isnt much to talk about, except
the dogs & weather

I have explained to him, I need time, I am working on me. Please
give me space.

But then I think, OMG..If I was in his shoes, how would I feel if
he wouldnt talk to me?
Wouldnt a "normie" husband get upset if you didnt answer the calls?

The guilt makes me feel so bad. I realize I need to hold my boundaries
and there is never a happy medium with him. If I dont answer, I get
the threats of him moving back home.
When I do talk to him, we talk about the dogs
or I get the one million questions that he sneaks up on me with
and throws my boundaries over board....

Any suggestions on how I should look at the feelings of
Guilt or The Bad Wife?
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Old 04-21-2011, 10:29 PM
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All I have to say about this is what I know from experience.
My alcoholic used to love using the emotional manipulation to make me question the validity of my boundaries. That's why I ended up taking him back so many times, even after I begged him to give me space. There was always a way for him to convince me that I was over reacting, or being selfish. Or should I say, I convinced myself based on things he would say or do.

I left him three weeks ago and haven't looked back. I know what I need, and if he can't respect that and my wishes on how to be treated, I don't need him around.

I no longer feel guilty about setting boundaries. I think long and hard about my motivation, and then do what I have to do, and I don't care who likes it and who doesn't. I'm sick of altering my life to make others happy.

That's all I got.
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Old 04-21-2011, 10:51 PM
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Oh yesss. The sad and woe as me voice. AH does that quite often when I try to ignore him when he's drunk, or when he's "been caught" doing something. I think it's just a ploy sweetie. I guess what everyone here says "Quacking".
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Old 04-22-2011, 01:36 AM
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The 'sad voice' and the 'sighs' are just another form of manipulation to get you to do what he wants. Of course, he doesn't want to give you 'space.' If he gives you 'space' you will start to see that you really don't want to return to 'the way things were' and he will lose his nice 'cushy nest' and 'nice cushy way of life' IN HIS MIND.

Please ignore the 'sad voice'. Go on about your business of working on you and enjoying life and figuring out where you want to go from here.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-22-2011, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
He called 5 times today and I did not answer. I told him I would
NOT talk to him while I was at work. After work I had appointments
to attend and could not answer the phone.

Tonight, he leaves me a message on my phone..
He was So So Sad..(On the verge of crying)
"Please do me a favor, get a divorce and tell me its over, I cant handle
this anymore, Why wont you talk to me"
You already told him why you wouldn't talk to him today.
He pushed your boundaries, and you held firm and didn't give in. Good for you!

When XABF was in rehab, he called whenever the pay phones were on (he spent $20 his first afternoon there), and when they were off he conned the ladies at the desk into using that phone.
If I didn't answer, he'd leave me voicemail messages about how his time was valuable, he couldn't get to the phone most of the time, and demanding/begging/pleading that I answer the phone for him each time he called.
I finally told him I would take one call a day, and he'd still call all those other times.
Then I went to visit him, and he told me that now that I visited, and that we were officially "engaged" (What? When did I agree to that?) that I had to answer the phone 100% of the time he called.

I had a complete mental breakdown, and ended up going no contact, not taking any of his calls, and keeping my phone off. When he managed to call me after bed one night (still didn't answer, but it woke me up), I paid my cell phone provider to add "parental controls" on my phone so that I could block all incoming calls from blocked numbers.

This was after repeatedly telling him that I couldn't take all these phone calls of his, that I needed my space, that he was driving me crazy, that I needed to work on me and all his phone calls were preventing that from happening. When he got out, he sent me an email message saying that I never told him to stop calling, or to call less often, and who was I to decide things about him without telling him?

They interpret things as they want to interpret them.
You did the right thing.

XABF crying into the phone was the hardest to withstand, but it got easier when he switched it to the reptilian voice, I could just imagine the poison dripping off his fangs when that one came on. I kept a few of those in my voicemail for awhile, to ensure I never forgot who I was dealing with. (They're deleted now, because I don't need the reminder any more.)
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Old 04-22-2011, 07:56 AM
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emotional manipulation SUCKS!! i hate! hate! hate!(now that i am done my vent) BACK TO ME!
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Old 04-22-2011, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
They interpret things as they want to interpret them.
You did the right thing.
Gawd isn't this the truth! And how many of us end up posting these WTF threads because our A's interpreted something in a totally wacko, self-centered fashion? This is the crazy train ride...StarCat described it beautifully, albeit in a very cringe-worthy personal experience (hats off to you for handling that one so well, StarCat).

BobbyJ, One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Laura is, "Guilt is something you feel when you did something wrong, something that violates your personal ethics and morals". What are you doing wrong here that would make you feel guilty?

You stated your actions and boundaries quite clearly. He continues to steamroll right over the top of those boundaries as if you never said anything. Don't you feel discounted?! And angry?! Those would be the appropriate emotions to feel, not guilt because he is sad.

You did do the right thing. He's not. Go enjoy your weekend plans and forget about it!
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Old 04-22-2011, 09:04 AM
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It's been 4 weeks today that I had my last conversation with EXABF and I haven't looked back.

Like Kitty, I stuck to my boundaries this time, refused to be drawn back into the alcoholic/codie drama as I severed ALL contact.

I've had some pretty snarky/manipulative/nasty emails since and have not taken the bait even though it was so tempting to return the snark to him.

kittykitty says:My alcoholic used to love using the emotional manipulation to make me question the validity of my boundaries. That's why I ended up taking him back so many times, even after I begged him to give me space. There was always a way for him to convince me that I was over reacting, or being selfish. Or should I say, I convinced myself based on things he would say or do.
For me, each and every time I took him back, things went fine for about a week. Then the BS started all over again. From his side of the street, I was the one with the issues in the relationship;my issues were put in the spotlight; my boundaries were always set back even further and once again, while his drinking got swept under the rug by both of us.

Not this time. I let him gain control over me last fall when I returned to school, at Christmas time - each time, his subtle sad eyed, sad voiced pleas that we needed time together, that my presence and support was all he needed to quit drinking got me to push my boundaries back until about a month ago when I signed up for computerized accounting courses - ones I will need to get work in my chosen field. The cycle started again, trying to manipulate/com/control me into not taking these courses-the final straw for me was being called a quitter - that I would not finish these course. My crap detector flashed "Danger" and that was it. I was done and haven't looked back since.

I'm doing what's good for me, what works for me. If others don't like it, that's for them to deal with.
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Old 04-22-2011, 09:33 AM
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((((BobbyJ))))


A normie husband would understand your need for space and time to decide what is best for you. He would not pressure you to make an immediate decision either one way or the other.

You deserve the time and space you need! Hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 04-22-2011, 10:21 AM
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Hydrogirl...Thank You, I needed to hear that today.
Its been so long , I dont know what the heck is normal anymore.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor and it was kind of like a miracle in disguise.
Doctor visit + 2 hour lecture....$25 copay (I like)

My doctor just happen to be in alanon for 30+ years. I explained to him
how I was feeling.
He sat back and gave me a 2 hour lecture on learning to take care of yourself.
Along with the dynamics of personalities and grieving.

He told me, that I was grieving the loss of my daughters relationship
but he can hear, that I have finally surrendered to the shame/denial that I have
been carrying on my back of not being a good mom,(The perfect mom).

With just healing from the daughters story, and now you get hit again, with grieving the loss of your husband (the person you once loved). He said I was expecting too much from myself, and putting too many demands on myself, to be (The perfect wife)

Once again, work on shame/ denial / guilt of not being the (The perfect wife)
Learn to work on being (Perfect for You)

He said that sometimes our bodies get into a depressed state
and it is hard to see what is real and what is not.
That is a normal feeling for people who have lived with an alcoholic.
It takes time...

Learn to work on myself instead of being so hard on myself.

When you put the pressures on yourself to be
(the perfect wife, the perfect mother), you wont be able to see beyond the trees.
With you having a high strung personality, most of the time you can work better
under pressure. Your more creative under pressure. But here you are, with
this pressure of being (the perfect wife) and your in limbo, your a mess.

Think about what is the difference that your feeling with these two types of pressure.
Pressures that make you achieve & drive you
or Pressures that make you grieve in relationships.
You are a highly motivated person, with a master mind. Your a sucessful business woman, a loving mother. Your mind never stops thinking and your very creative.

Work on learning the differences of good pressures vs bad pressures. Learn what
makes you tick and learn how you got there.

He told me to: Figure out why I think I always feel like I have to be the (perfect) one
in a relationship...

His last words: Go back to your childhood, and be sure to dig deep.....
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