Me, myself, and I...signed up for an A...
and I loved it.
That's my first confession.
Skip the rules most people play by without punishment, after being raised in a family where punishment was doled out regularly...
Keep upbeat, always happy, have a drink...
Spend money, don't worry about it after having lived a thrifty life...
Enigmatic answers, never straight forward, it was so exciting not to get what I was expecting, yet so frustrating to never get a straight answer when I was serious!
Keep my head in a whirlwind...nobody else has ever been able to...hmmm...maybe this person is smart enough for me to outsmart me? What a challenge! How interesting to meet somebody I can't figure out! And how painful to have my feelings sometimes dismissed...how very painful...the emotional unavailability at times....
Ok...I love an alcholic.
I divorced the alcoholic.
I regretted divorcing the alcoholic.
The alcoholic is discussing reconciliation, and I know he is still drinking and probably always will...yet he's playing me like a fiddle.
I love an alcoholic.
I will take the alcoholic back, even though he's still drinking, IF he lets me.
This is my truth, and I feel in this forum..well...ashamed to even say it.
I don't often confess publicly. Wait. NEVER.
I know my first instinct will be to run and hide, or not show up here again for days or weeks, but I'm incognito, to some degree...yet saying this makes me feel extremely naked.
Anybody else ever physically tremble after they unload publicly at alanon? But the few I confide in are sick of hearing about it.
This marriage is over, yet it's not over...it appears to never be over...and I'm so glad, because I love an alcoholic.
I just have to remind myself...everybody here has loved an alcoholic.
My shame, is your shame. There, I feel better about my shame because I'm not alone, but horrible about accusing you of having shame.
Raw? Or crazy?