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Me, myself, and I...signed up for an A...

Old 04-20-2011, 04:40 PM
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Me, myself, and I...signed up for an A...

and I loved it.
That's my first confession.
Skip the rules most people play by without punishment, after being raised in a family where punishment was doled out regularly...
Keep upbeat, always happy, have a drink...
Spend money, don't worry about it after having lived a thrifty life...
Enigmatic answers, never straight forward, it was so exciting not to get what I was expecting, yet so frustrating to never get a straight answer when I was serious!
Keep my head in a whirlwind...nobody else has ever been able to...hmmm...maybe this person is smart enough for me to outsmart me? What a challenge! How interesting to meet somebody I can't figure out! And how painful to have my feelings sometimes dismissed...how very painful...the emotional unavailability at times....

Ok...I love an alcholic.
I divorced the alcoholic.
I regretted divorcing the alcoholic.
The alcoholic is discussing reconciliation, and I know he is still drinking and probably always will...yet he's playing me like a fiddle.
I love an alcoholic.
I will take the alcoholic back, even though he's still drinking, IF he lets me.
This is my truth, and I feel in this forum..well...ashamed to even say it.
I don't often confess publicly. Wait. NEVER.
I know my first instinct will be to run and hide, or not show up here again for days or weeks, but I'm incognito, to some degree...yet saying this makes me feel extremely naked.
Anybody else ever physically tremble after they unload publicly at alanon? But the few I confide in are sick of hearing about it.
This marriage is over, yet it's not over...it appears to never be over...and I'm so glad, because I love an alcoholic.
I just have to remind myself...everybody here has loved an alcoholic.
My shame, is your shame. There, I feel better about my shame because I'm not alone, but horrible about accusing you of having shame.
Raw? Or crazy?
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Old 04-20-2011, 04:43 PM
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It's your life and your decision. If you can live like that, and that's what you want, it's not up to us to tell you to do anything differently. We all have to live our own lives. I wish you every good thing and I hope it all works out the way you want it to.
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Old 04-20-2011, 04:49 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
It's your life and your decision. If you can live like that, and that's what you want, it's not up to us to tell you to do anything differently. We all have to live our own lives. I wish you every good thing and I hope it all works out the way you want it to.
Thanks. Straight forward and to the point. Guess I am feeling...a little crazy. He's going to call tonight, and I'm waiting on that call right now, and I don't know what to expect, except I know there is absolutely no way to prepare for his responses.
Sober response from you...the best kind.
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:02 PM
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How interesting to meet somebody I can't figure out! And how painful to have my feelings sometimes dismissed...how very painful...the emotional unavailability at times....
I think for me it was trying to fix my childhood. Emotionally unavailable, except to scare the bejesus out of me describes my father for sure.

I will take the alcoholic back, even though he's still drinking, IF he lets me.
This is my truth, and I feel in this forum..well...ashamed to even say it.
I hope you get whatever lesson you need and live like you want to.
There is no shame in the truth.

I just have to remind myself...everybody here has loved an alcoholic.
You know, I have loved all the alcoholics in my life except me!
That is a new revelation for me.
Wow.

Thank you brokenheartedfool.

Beth
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:19 PM
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Oh I hear you loud and clear. I love that 'living dangerously' feeling after being raised with strict rules both at home and school. I rebelled and what better way to do that then have some wacky alcoholic in your life! The fun never stops, right?

It is especially hard when they are FUN and loving drunks. I sometimes think I liked my BF better drunk then the guilt eats at me. I almost feel ashamed to write it. It is the illogical nature of the disease. We who get sucked up in the crazy and them who are unable to stop until they've self destruct.

I met him in a 'party' environment. The first memory I have of him is meeting him and taking him to a party. He loved it. He loves that life. But I could stop, he couldn't. I even thought the other day how I could probably put up with him drinking and 'it would be ok'. Even though I know it would be draining and hard to watch someone do that to themselves on and ongoing basis.

Thanks for you honesty. Don't hide it ever. It has to come out for you to really work on healing and recovery.
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Old 04-20-2011, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
I think for me it was trying to fix my childhood. Emotionally unavailable, except to scare the bejesus out of me describes my father for sure.

We had the same father, wicked.

I hope you get whatever lesson you need and live like you want to.
There is no shame in the truth.

Learning again, one thing for sure, the alcoholic never stops teaching!

You know, I have loved all the alcoholics in my life except me!
That is a new revelation for me.
Wow.

Thank you brokenheartedfool.

Beth
Ok, I put my post inside Beth's in bold....how many characters...how many characters.....
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Old 04-20-2011, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
It is especially hard when they are FUN and loving drunks. I sometimes think I liked my BF better drunk then the guilt eats at me. I almost feel ashamed to write it. It is the illogical nature of the disease. We who get sucked up in the crazy and them who are unable to stop until they've self destruct.

Thanks for you honesty. Don't hide it ever. It has to come out for you to really work on healing and recovery.
Thank-you, babyblue.

Yes...I like him better drunk. He's warmer, more loving. He can be cold and calculating when sober, to the extreme. He's an A type egotistical power person, is why.

Thank-you for telling me to finally be honest. This is the first truly open post I have posted here...to this degree.
And...as predictable as alcoholics are...yes...
after asking for reconciliation, he is non-committal. Surprised?
We had our talk, and I called his bluff, and he dropped the ball.
Now that makes me feel like I'm a puppet, or an ego boost!
I'll tell him. Yes, time to assert myself.
"You dropped the ball, not good enough". That takes puppet out of the equation. Not sure it takes ego boost out of it though.
Then, like always these days, back to numero uno...as I'm so often taught here.
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Old 04-20-2011, 08:21 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
as almost romantic as it sounds, i find it terribly sad that you are so willing to forgo living your own life, in favor of living anyone else's. you'd rather live his drunken life, his lies, his inability be truly present in the relationship, than to live your own glorious life.

there will NEVER be another YOU.
you will NEVER get another shot at this life.
these are your days, your minutes, your hours.
is this how you want to live them?
Don't worry...he didn't fail to fail me.
Heartbroken again.
Some people never learn.

Meanwhile!
Yes, I am living a life. Not as glorious as it could be, but I'm working on that.
I am so attached to this man. I don't know how to turn off the "love".
Believe me, I tried. If divorce wasn't it, and living apart now intimately separate 2 years, I don't know what else one can try.
I'm fighting for my life here...as much as anyone.
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Old 04-20-2011, 08:31 PM
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On 2/15/11 You Wrote:
Now I've been missing him so much i thought we could give it another go. But...talking to him brought it all back like it was yesterday.
I honestly don't want to TRY TO RELATE to an active drinker. It's IMPOSSIBLE!

We have a date coming up.
Now I don't want to get into a position where I just want to SHOOT MYSELF.
Which is a thought if...nothing changes...nothing changes.
I could get back in...lightbulb moment here...


What are the keywords I notice???? SHOOT MYSELF
TRY TO RELATE to an active drinker. It's IMPOSSIBLE!
And~~~~
nothing changes...nothing changes
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Old 04-20-2011, 10:14 PM
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Brokenheartfool, this is a good time to remember the phrases, "Take what works and leave the rest" and "what other people think of me is none of my business".

It is your life, your truth, your consequences. Way to go on being honest with where you are at today. Good luck to you.
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Old 04-20-2011, 10:19 PM
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I too loved the non stop party. It was fun...for a while. But eventually it has to stop and someone had to clean up and that was usually me and I resented it. Besides, I never felt like I could party...I was too busy babysitting.
Thanks for the honesty. Yeah it does not make much sense but not much about loving an alcoholic does.
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Old 04-21-2011, 08:36 AM
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brokenheartfool,
I can tell you're in a writing mood. You're dancing with thoughts that are hard to put into words. I can see the emotions erupting like a volcano through your words.

You said you were feeling crazy. Keep on writing and let that crazy out. I believe you'll feel better and I recognize what you're doing.
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Old 04-21-2011, 10:27 AM
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I can see the emotions erupting like a volcano through your words.
I can feel it too.
Wow, shellcrusher, what a way with words.

Beth
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Old 04-21-2011, 12:13 PM
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Brokenheart,

As I read through your thread, my thoughts were 'wow she is in tune with herself', so whatever decision you make is seemingly based on what you do know, good and bad.

Your thread also brought me back to my drinking days. When I stopped and the dust settled, I thought everything was boring. No chaos, no having to think of excuses, no long list of apologies to make....After some time however, I grew to love that everything was running on time, that I had peace and appreciated the pace. Life wasn't boring, it was how it should be.
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Old 04-21-2011, 01:17 PM
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Brokenheartfool-I completely get the excitement factor that you talk about with your A. I grew up with extremely controlling and strict bible beating parents. Nothing I ever did was right and I felt like I could never have a moment to myself or make my own mistakes growing up. I was constantly monitored. That takes a toll on you as a small child. It is alot of pressure growing up in an environment like that. Then, my dad left my mom when I was still young and I replaced him as her "little husband". She talked and treated me like she would have treated him if he was still around. She was controlling, strict and put demands on me that I child should't have to face. I really wasn't allowed to be a kid because she demanded I act like an adult. I felt uncomfortable around my mother as long as I can remember. She would even pick little fights with me out of nowhere about things she didn't like that I did. Just like she would with my father. I look back now and it was crazy the way she treated me and the way she expected me to act.

So when I met my A, he seemed like he didn't live by any rules that society says you should live by and I LOVED that. I hated rules and boundries and he didn't give me any rules or make me feel smothered like my mother had for so many years. He was in fact my way of rebelling. I was addicted to the care free party lifestyle that he lived. I tried to live it too. But, I didn't last long in that world. It became hard to keep up with him. I even got tired and I HATE being around people that try to contain me. After awhile, all I wanted was someone who wanted to settle down and contain me and keep me safe. If you think you can keep up with the life of an A, I say buckle up. They never get tired and they never let up. Its seems exciting but when that "fun ride" is a one way ticket to pain with no way back. You have to find your own way back. Its a bumpy ride that only gets bumpier as you go along.
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Old 04-21-2011, 01:43 PM
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Not sure about you Brokenheartedfool but I am a very structured person with LOTS of responsibilities in my life and career. I did everything by the book and yet found myself craving that other type of life.

He lives for the now. and in my head I romanticize that as some type of freedom. But the reason he lives in the now is because he gave up on his past and future. Where else is there to go?

But when my head is in that romantic haze, I stop and look at my life and all the hard work and tears I put into it without anyone's help. So to think that I came 'this' close to having someone bring chaos into it? Nooooo way. I come to my senses.

I realize that my life isn't boring.. it is harmonious. And I need to keep it that way. I do get scared though that I will start to let my boundaries erode because of the love I have for him. Sometimes I even get mad at him for sneaking into my life and making me care.
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Old 04-21-2011, 06:27 PM
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Getting better starts with the truth. You know yourself well. And you seem to know that you're choosing a very disturbed person. It's important to know that this is entirely about YOU, your choices. Keep posting. It gives courage to us all. It's so difficult to lay one's warts out.
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Old 04-22-2011, 08:10 AM
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nothing changes, nothing changes
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