Howdy12

I feel sort of foolish posting here since I'm only 19, but everyone seems welcoming and supportive.

I want to start working toward recovery I'm just not sure where to begin. I have too many other legal and financial issues to deal with on top of trying to stop drinking...when all I really want right now is a drink so I don't have to think about anything else going on.

I'm not sure where my life spiraled off course, I guess it started when I went to my first official party Junior year of high school and loved the way alcohol made me feel. In high school, I still only drank with friends and graduated with honors and a 4 year scholarship to my first choice school.

Once I began college is when things began to change. I started drinking everyday after class, which then became everyday instead of class. I told myself it was because I hated my school and felt unbelievably lonely. I dropped out (losing my scholarship) after only four months and moved back in with my parents. This was a week after I ended up in the hospital for attempted suicide.

The first few weeks I was home I felt so much better and began the process of applying to different schools. However, the loneliness began to creep back in and I had no friends at all where my parents live. I once again turned to alcohol to cope with the depression. I told myself it's only until I make friends. Then I made friends, and I continued abusing alcohol.

Somewhere in the past five months I've gotten two DUI's. My court dates for those are this week and I am so nervous. Not for the repercussions, because I deserve those, but for the uncertainty of how this can and will affect my future.

I'm enrolled at a new university for Fall 2011 and have a job that has been lined up for months working as a counselor at my camp this summer. Right now all I can think about is, "What if I can't go to college because of this?" "What if the judge decides I have to start paying off my government debts this summer and I have to quit my job?" All of this and still the only thing that would make me happy right this second is a drink. Which, I know, is part of a much larger problem.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I can't quell my anxiety. I've been irresponsible and undependable enough this entire year, quitting my job only one month before it starts would be just another undependable move on my part.

I want to stop, I need to stop. It's not only those things but I've hurt the people I love the most, which I'm sure everyone can relate to.

I don't know where to go from this point. Does anyone have any insight as to second-time DUI offenses? I've read a lot about it on the internet but it's not very helpful. I can't not work this summer, somehow I'll have to convince the judge of that. It's a completely sober environment and the whole camp is based upon Christianity. I've taken the first steps to attending an AA meeting and I'm enrolled in college classes currently and transferring in the Fall. I want to prove that I can do it, that I'm not a horrible person. Where do you go from here?