what are you really afraid of here?
making a decision I will regret and I think (separate from AH's involvement in the picture) there are things I will regret whether I go or stay-- so it's what will I regret less I guess.
if you pass this job up, can you say assuredly you won't later have regrets? that you won't resent your AH or worse yet, your own kids? are you sure this isn't some level of martyrdom here? or that you feel you don't DESERVE to follow your own dreams? what would be the BEST role model for the children? stay miserable or seek out joy, happiness and the great unknown???
I am sure I will. But here's what I am confused about within myself. My career doesn't matter all that much to me. It is a means to an end. The end being having time and money to make my life comfortable with my kids. My kids matter most to me. So, I've been thinking that I could be happy staying here, living at my mom's if I don't find a job, work mother's hours, let AH stress about money instead of me for a change and have TONS of time to spend with my girls. They are young only once and I've worked many long days, weeks, months and missed a lot of time with them. This job I'd love in MA would be long days, a longer school year than a traditional school and would be great in a lot of ways but I'd also have less time with my kids. I wish I was the kind of woman who was career driven, and before I had kids I was. But after staying home with my oldest when she was a baby I realized that work was just a way to make ends meet. Certainly when I am there I give it 200% and love what I do but if I have to choose what matters more, my kids and time with them matters a million times more... So, if I don't take the job and instead stay here and have more time with the girls bc I can't find a job- I'm not going to be miserable about that one bit. Money, climbing the career ladder, accolades in my professional life really haven't ever mattered to me. I've made good money for a few years now and each year I have more and more committments with work and less time with my kids...
This is not a matter of not putting myself first- honestly, if I were to put myself first I'd have never gone back to work after staying home with my oldest and would have told AH that I was going to be a SAHM and he'd have to figure out how to pay the bills or get another job. That's what I would have loved to do. So, there's definitely no martyrdom here (though I can understand how that could be something wondered about). I genuinely have no internal drive saying "oooooh career chance". I just want something that pays the bills but allows me to have time with my kids. It's flattering that my old Principal loves me and wants me back and that I could teach whatever I want and I do love the school and would love the job. But what I love more are my kids and seeing them happy. And I'm trying to decide whether I think they'll be happier being poorer but staying here close to family and friends or having money but being away from everything familiar.
Sorry if I'm rambling-- I'm sort of thinking as I type...
