Blogs


Notices

Am I Being Unreasonable?

Old 04-14-2011, 04:21 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Am I Being Unreasonable?

My job has been 100% for sure cut for next year. In my state there are NO jobs in my field and I have received an offer from my old school in MA (that I LOVED!) to return there to teach.

Doing this would mean having to move the whole family. Or would mean me leaving and just going with my girls.

"R"AH (who I am have not committed to not wanting to stay married to- at least today) has told me that the options he sees as realistic are the following:

1. I move to MA alone, the girls stay with him.
2. We all stay in our state. (what I do for work, what we do about paying bills- who knows- but this means he keeps his job and stays right where he wants to be)

He says he will not consider moving bc it is not "appealing" to him.

I didn't realize that making decisions about what is necessary for our family during a financial crisis should be based on "appeal". Then again I don't "get" 99.9% of how he thinks (even sober).

What I wanted to say in response to the "not appealing" remark from him was...."Ummmm, losing my job is not appealing to me. Having an A/BPD H is not appealing to me. Teaching the subject I teach is not appealing to me but I've done it for the past few yrs bc it's where there were jobs. Living in the town I grew up in bc we came here for a failed business venture of yours is not appealing...." (you get the idea).

My H seems to think that life is about what feels good for him and seems totally unwilling to make sacrifices.

I seem to think that life is about being an adult and doing things that are necessary whether it's what you WANT to do or whether it's "appealing" or not.

If I'm being unreasonable and missing something that I should be considering here (he seems to think that his wants should be the top priority) please do tell me! (seriously).

What I am getting from what he is and isn't saying is that he wants to stay here, he doesn't want to compromise anything (big shock there) and I should find a way to stay here with out a job and still somehow be able to come up with money to keep our house and life the way we live (which is NOT extravagant at all).
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 04-14-2011, 04:26 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
"R"AH (who I am have not committed to not wanting to stay married to- at least today) has told me
You lost me on that one. You're not committed to staying married? Or you're not committed to get divorced?

Either way, it seems the universe is handing you a big, fat, flashing neon sign. What will you choose to do with it?

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (04-14-2011), coffeedrinker (04-15-2011), kudzujean (04-15-2011), nodaybut2day (04-15-2011), StarCat (04-15-2011), stella27 (04-14-2011), tjp613 (04-14-2011), Tuffgirl (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 04:31 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 29,757
No, you are not being unreasonable at all. In fact, if it were me, I would speak with an attorney and tell him that I have a job lined up in another state and want to move there and take the girls with me. Just see what he says. Since you and your husband are not divorced or even legally separated, I believe you have the right to take your children with you, so long as you aren't hiding from him. Ask legal counsel about that.

But, to answer your question, no, you are not being unreasonable and it's my opinion that you give him way too much input as it is. But, that's just me.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (04-14-2011), kudzujean (04-15-2011), Ladybug0130 (04-14-2011), laurie6781 (04-14-2011), marylea (04-15-2011), nodaybut2day (04-15-2011), StarCat (04-15-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 04:32 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Sorry- I am exhausted and not making sense I guess... I am not committed to getting divorced... I guess I am still hoping to stick it out (even if it's separately for a while)...

So... because of that, moving away knowing that he doesn't want to come kind of means I have to decide to be done and I don't think I am (ready to be done).

I'm just confused.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 04-14-2011, 04:34 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
So... because of that, moving away knowing that he doesn't want to come kind of means I have to decide to be done and I don't think I am (ready to be done).
Yep. That's the sign I was talking about.............
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (04-14-2011), Buffalo66 (04-15-2011), kudzujean (04-15-2011), stella27 (04-14-2011), wanttobehealthy (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 04:34 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Life decisions are hard enough when you are in a healthy relationship. Add in an A partner and making good decisions can be horrid. I think you need to try to have a conversation with him stating your opinions on it all. If you stay there how will the bills get paid? How does he see this working? Perhaps ask him to show you how it will work? Not sure if it will help but before you made a decision I personally think you need to try another discussion with him. It maybe a fork in the road of life for you. You may need to determine what is best for you, even if he does not find it appealing. I do not think you are being unreasonable. You seem to be logically thinking it out.

Good luck!
Alone22 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Alone22 For This Useful Post:
wanttobehealthy (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 04:35 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
No, you are not being unreasonable at all. In fact, if it were me, I would speak with an attorney and tell him that I have a job lined up in another state and want to move there and take the girls with me. Just see what he says. Since you and your husband are not divorced or even legally separated, I believe you have the right to take your children with you, so long as you aren't hiding from him. Ask legal counsel about that.

But, to answer your question, no, you are not being unreasonable and it's my opinion that you give him way too much input as it is. But, that's just me.
I guess I am asking his in-put bc I am not ready to divorce him. And obviously packing up, selling our house and me moving away is going to be a way to end our marriage.... So this just kind of makes things complicated I'm feeling like....
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 04-14-2011, 04:38 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Alone22 View Post
Life decisions are hard enough when you are in a healthy relationship. Add in an A partner and making good decisions can be horrid. I think you need to try to have a conversation with him stating your opinions on it all. If you stay there how will the bills get paid? How does he see this working? Perhaps ask him to show you how it will work? Not sure if it will help but before you made a decision I personally think you need to try another discussion with him. It maybe a fork in the road of life for you. You may need to determine what is best for you, even if he does not find it appealing. I do not think you are being unreasonable. You seem to be logically thinking it out.

Good luck!
I've tried to bring these questions up and in true A fashion he doesn't want to deal with all the "stress". The whole not wanting to live life on life's terms... I get that early recovery (if he's even there) is really rough, but there's major life "stuff" that needs to be figured out and he's talking out of one side of his mouth saying he wants one thing but isn't actually willing or able to do what is necessary for that to happen... Ugh.

I don't want to make a rash decision but I won't let his waffling make me waffle. I guess I'll come up with questions we need to address and if he continues to choose to avoid (his m.o. to life) then I will decide alone.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 04-14-2011, 04:38 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 29,757
Well, it sounds to me like you have to figure out what it is you really want. But, at the same time, you should be realistic. Do you really think that he is going to change? Are you willing to live with him exactly the way he is today? Why did you separate (sort of) from him in the first place? Has any of that changed?

Before you can make any kind of decisions about work, you first need to decide what it is you truly want.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (04-14-2011), kudzujean (04-15-2011), laurie6781 (04-14-2011), StarCat (04-15-2011), tjp613 (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 04:51 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
That is a hard one. Just remember that it isn't always black and white.

Make a choice that is going to be in your best interest. Just do the next right thing. You don't always have to be able to predict what that is going to mean in 6 months. That was so hard for me. Do the next right thing today. Tomorrow I'll do the next 'next right thing.' based on the information I have at the time.

Could moving be 'the end'. It could be, you'd have to be prepared for that. You aren't divorced until a judge signs a paper though so moving is not the same as divorcing. If he is in recovery, and he gets further in recovery, and if you have not nailed the door shut on the marriage, it is possible that he would eventually follow you there or you could move back. It is so hard to just do the right thing for today and let tomorrow take care of itself but when I started doing that, I became 'unstuck'. A house is just a house. You can always get another house.

ETA: I would get a quick consult in with a lawyer.
Thumper is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (04-14-2011), Danae (04-15-2011), kudzujean (04-15-2011), nodaybut2day (04-15-2011), StarCat (04-15-2011), wicked (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 04:52 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Well, it sounds to me like you have to figure out what it is you really want. But, at the same time, you should be realistic. Do you really think that he is going to change? Are you willing to live with him exactly the way he is today? Why did you separate (sort of) from him in the first place? Has any of that changed?

Before you can make any kind of decisions about work, you first need to decide what it is you truly want.
I guess I do need to figure out what I want. You're right. I have no idea if he will change. I wish I had a magic ball that could tell me that! I think that I have spent a lot of time in recent weeks worrying about what he's doing and not doing and not really focussing on my recovery as much. So, perhaps I could live with him as he is if I detached and didn't let his issues dictate how I feel. Ever since learning my job was cut I've been a wreck emotionally and it's made it really hard to not want to hasten his recovery and wish that he were something other than he is. The more I've harped about how "un"recovered he is, the more he's behaved, well, "un"recovered. So, maybe I need to focus a lot more on me and stop worrying about him and see what happens...

As far as this:
Why did you separate (sort of) from him in the first place? Has any of that changed?
I'll explain why I left in a sec but I need to say something bc it is bothering me. I can't recall if it's you or others who continue to say "I can't recall if you are actually separated or not" but I'm feeling kind of frustrated bc what it sounds like is that I am being judged for not being separated as others would have me do it. If I am being too sensitive and reading too much into this I really am sorry.

We HAVE been separated for about 2 months. He has been here at the house most afternoons for an hour or so to see the kids at the suggestion of their therapist. He is staying here right now bc of my weakness last night and giving in to manipulation. Prior to that he stayed here with our kids alone while I was in the hospital during the past week.

I might not be separated in the way that you or others feel is right but I am doing the best I can and I know that. For all that I dislike his A behaviors, it hurts his kids for me to ban him from the house and there's no reason for me to do that (unless he is violent).

Why we separated: He made a million and one promises after a bad weekend long bender in Jan. He kept none of them. I made idle threats about how I couldn't take it but did nothing different. Then he made new promises and I came home one day, saw beer cans in the driveway and decided enough was enough and packed up and left. It wasn't one major event. It was me deciding I was not willing to live with him as he was anymore. Has anything changed? I'm not sure. I haven't really been around him except when the girls are awake so we haven't interacted a ton. He IS in an outpatient rehab program. He IS going to T. I am not asking him about AA, his sponsor, his interactions with his family and I am sticking up for myself a lot more than ever before which seems to stop him in his tracks at times.

There are a lot more variables to this possible move than I'd thought... Guess it's good I am posting and thinking this through...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 04-14-2011, 04:55 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
That is a hard one. Just remember that it isn't always black and white.

Make a choice that is going to be in your best interest. Just do the next right thing. You don't always have to be able to predict what that is going to mean in 6 months. That was so hard for me. Do the next right thing today. Tomorrow I'll do the next 'next right thing.' based on the information I have at the time.

Could moving be 'the end'. It could be, you'd have to be prepared for that. You aren't divorced until a judge signs a paper though so moving is not the same as divorcing. If he is in recovery, and he gets further in recovery, and if you have not nailed the door shut on the marriage, it is possible that he would eventually follow you there or you could move back. It is so hard to just do the right thing for today and let tomorrow take care of itself but when I started doing that, I became 'unstuck'.

ETA: I would get a quick consult in with a lawyer.
If it were just me and AH this would be a no brainer. I'd go. But there are kids involved. They have roots here, family here, friends here. If I pack them up and we leave it's not going to be a "well we can come back in 6 months if need be". It's going to be starting in new schools, finding a new home and a long term, permanent move.

I want to be able to provide for my children and this job is the only offer on the table right now (I will be paid thru Aug so it's not dire that I take something this second). For security and feeling like one thing in my life is in control I want to just take this job. But I guess I need to think about all the pieces of the puzzle...

I appreciate everyone's responses-- you're helping me think through this in ways I hadn't yet...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 04-14-2011, 05:04 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
Then I guess he'd have to make coming to you his priority.

I know it is a really hard decision. It is hard to figure out what is right considering all factors. Wishing you peace in your decision....and maybe an awesome job offer closer by to give you some more leeway.
Thumper is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
wanttobehealthy (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 05:25 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Talk to a lawyer to see if taking the girls without him is even an option. It sounds like a great opportunity.
Ladybug0130 is offline  
Old 04-14-2011, 05:43 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Thanks JDS. That does sound really similar.... and right now it's the girls and whether I feel okay pulling them away from what they know AND pulling them away from their dad that are really impacting my feelings...

I have sacrificed since we moved to NH- and we came here bc of my H (which is why I left my job I loved in the first place) and I feel like it's his turn to make some compromises/sacrifices.

I guess if he's unwilling to then I'll just decide what I want and if it means he stays behind, then so be it.

His selfishness is just overwhelming.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
ady gil (04-14-2011), StarCat (04-15-2011), Tuffgirl (04-15-2011), wicked (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 06:01 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
So, you mentioned that he is going to outpatient treatment and seeing a counselor. Are these his choices? Or, is this a requirement imposed on him by the courts?

Does he make enough money to pay the bills if you aren't working? I mean, if you choose to stay as he is suggesting, and you don't find another job, how will you make ends meet? If you leave, and he were to decide to come with you, what would he do for work....and would you be able to make it on your salary alone? Basically, who is the bigger breadwinner here?
sillysquirrel is offline  
Old 04-14-2011, 07:06 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
We HAVE been separated for about 2 months. He has been here at the house most afternoons for an hour or so to see the kids at the suggestion of their therapist. He is staying here right now bc of my weakness last night and giving in to manipulation. Prior to that he stayed here with our kids alone while I was in the hospital during the past week.

I might not be separated in the way that you or others feel is right but I am doing the best I can and I know that..
FWIW, I don't think anyone is judging you for doing separation "wrong." Having said that, him being at the house every day, and now staying there is not really much separation. And, to me, the point of separating is to get away from the other person, their behaviors, their crazy-making, their influence over your life, long enough to have some peace and clarity. And it appears to me you aren't getting that. So, whether you consider yourself "technically" separated or not, you aren't getting the benefit of separation. This is not me judging you, just noticing how it doesn't really seem to be benefiting you. It's absolutely your call and totally up to you how you want to do this, but personally, I would like to see you get some peace and clarity from it. That's all.

The real reason I posted, however, is to note that you seem to be equating moving/accepting the position with divorce. They are not one and the same, although I do understand how one could lead to the other. But, try to remember, you are making a choice about the job, not about divorce. Maybe that will make it less complicated. HE seems to be the one making it about divorce. And, at least to me, that speaks volumes about him. I hope you don't let him manipulate you out of something good.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (04-14-2011), coffeedrinker (04-15-2011), kudzujean (04-15-2011), Ladybug0130 (04-14-2011), smacked (04-14-2011), StarCat (04-15-2011), suki44883 (04-15-2011), tjp613 (04-14-2011), Tuffgirl (04-15-2011), wicked (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 07:33 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
I have a cousin who was in very much the position you now find yourself. She stayed because her family didn't want to move. She's been unemployed for 27 months now, is on the verge of bankruptcy, the H is drugging and drinking as if things were perfectly normal, and she is feeling more (WAY MORE) stressed out than she was when she first lost her job. She had the opportunity to move to another state, be closer to her family, live rent-free on a 50 acre estate 10 miles from a nice city.... but she didn't. She stayed so that everyone else could live their lives as if there was nothing wrong. Well there's plenty wrong now! No money to move even if she wanted to. Upside down on the house way more than she was back then. Her youngest is in high school now. Car is in disrepair. NO jobs anywhere. 200 people line up for $8.50/hour at Home Depot and 1/2 of them have college degrees.

What's the saying? "Now the hen has come home to roost!"

In this economy *I* believe it is best to be very proactive.
tjp613 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
kudzujean (04-15-2011), Ladybug0130 (04-14-2011), StarCat (04-15-2011), wicked (04-14-2011)
Old 04-15-2011, 05:07 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel View Post
So, you mentioned that he is going to outpatient treatment and seeing a counselor. Are these his choices? Or, is this a requirement imposed on him by the courts?
His choices. The only court requirement thus far (when the trial date comes who knows what they will impose) is no drinking while on bail and AH is the one who asked that this be left on as a condition.

Does he make enough money to pay the bills if you aren't working? I mean, if you choose to stay as he is suggesting, and you don't find another job, how will you make ends meet? If you leave, and he were to decide to come with you, what would he do for work....and would you be able to make it on your salary alone? Basically, who is the bigger breadwinner here?
We can't afford to live on either salary alone if we stay in our house. If the house is sold and I live in a cheap apt with the girls and he lives somewhere even cheaper or free then we can pay our bills. We both make the same give or take a few thousand $'s. If he comes to MA with me he has several job options that exist already (he grew up near there and has many connections). He wants to stay where we are bc he likes his job, his colleagues and the coaching he does.

I told him last night that if he wants to stay that's fine but I will be making a decision based on what is best for the girls and I, not just on my personal preference and I let him know that I found it very selfish that that's how he's making decisions but also said that his honesty was appreciated bc it helps me see things more clearly- and it does.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 04-15-2011, 05:15 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
FWIW, I don't think anyone is judging you for doing separation "wrong." Having said that, him being at the house every day, and now staying there is not really much separation. And, to me, the point of separating is to get away from the other person, their behaviors, their crazy-making, their influence over your life, long enough to have some peace and clarity. And it appears to me you aren't getting that. So, whether you consider yourself "technically" separated or not, you aren't getting the benefit of separation. This is not me judging you, just noticing how it doesn't really seem to be benefiting you. It's absolutely your call and totally up to you how you want to do this, but personally, I would like to see you get some peace and clarity from it. That's all.
If you knew what it had been like before we were separated and what it is like now, you'd see that I am getting quite a lot out of this separation. And more importantly my kids are too. I'm not sure why anyone would think that banning my kids from seeing their father would be a good idea and as I've said a million times now, he comes by for dinner or to see the girls in the afternoon so as to SEE the girls bc the therapist the girls see who specializes in working with families that are separating/divorcing and/or dealing with addictions is the one who suggested this. As soon as his being around is toxic for anyone it will be re-evaluated. The only reason it has been less than peaceful for me is not bc he is physically present but bc I let his presence upset me. That's not his doing. That's mine.

If it were just me and we had no kids, I'd be NC. I don't have the right to punish my kids or my AH by not letting him see the girls just bc I think that might be "easier" for me. That's insane. I grew up with a mother who banned my father from the house out of spite and she to this day has no peace. I need to find a way to have peace whether he is around (to see the girls) or not and saying that the only way I can have peace is by not having him around (even just for an hour to see the girls) is putting the responsibility for my peace, on to him and that's no different than him blaming me for his drinking.

The real reason I posted, however, is to note that you seem to be equating moving/accepting the position with divorce. They are not one and the same, although I do understand how one could lead to the other. But, try to remember, you are making a choice about the job, not about divorce. Maybe that will make it less complicated. HE seems to be the one making it about divorce. And, at least to me, that speaks volumes about him. I hope you don't let him manipulate you out of something good.
Thanks-- this is a good point and the clarity helps... I really appreciate it.
wanttobehealthy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:37 PM.