Originally Posted by
suki44883 
Well, it sounds to me like you have to figure out what it is you really want. But, at the same time, you should be realistic. Do you really think that he is going to change? Are you willing to live with him exactly the way he is today? Why did you separate (sort of) from him in the first place? Has any of that changed?
Before you can make any kind of decisions about work, you first need to decide what it is you truly want.
I guess I do need to figure out what I want. You're right. I have no idea if he will change. I wish I had a magic ball that could tell me that! I think that I have spent a lot of time in recent weeks worrying about what he's doing and not doing and not really focussing on my recovery as much. So, perhaps I could live with him as he is if I detached and didn't let his issues dictate how I feel. Ever since learning my job was cut I've been a wreck emotionally and it's made it really hard to not want to hasten his recovery and wish that he were something other than he is. The more I've harped about how "un"recovered he is, the more he's behaved, well, "un"recovered. So, maybe I need to focus a lot more on me and stop worrying about him and see what happens...
As far as this:
Why did you separate (sort of) from him in the first place? Has any of that changed?
I'll explain why I left in a sec but I need to say something bc it is bothering me. I can't recall if it's you or others who continue to say "I can't recall if you are actually separated or not" but I'm feeling kind of frustrated bc what it sounds like is that I am being judged for not being separated as others would have me do it. If I am being too sensitive and reading too much into this I really am sorry.
We HAVE been separated for about 2 months. He has been here at the house most afternoons for an hour or so to see the kids at the suggestion of their therapist. He is staying here right now bc of my weakness last night and giving in to manipulation. Prior to that he stayed here with our kids alone while I was in the hospital during the past week.
I might not be separated in the way that you or others feel is right but I am doing the best I can and I know that. For all that I dislike his A behaviors, it hurts his kids for me to ban him from the house and there's no reason for me to do that (unless he is violent).
Why we separated: He made a million and one promises after a bad weekend long bender in Jan. He kept none of them. I made idle threats about how I couldn't take it but did nothing different. Then he made new promises and I came home one day, saw beer cans in the driveway and decided enough was enough and packed up and left. It wasn't one major event. It was me deciding I was not willing to live with him as he was anymore. Has anything changed? I'm not sure. I haven't really been around him except when the girls are awake so we haven't interacted a ton. He IS in an outpatient rehab program. He IS going to T. I am not asking him about AA, his sponsor, his interactions with his family and I am sticking up for myself a lot more than ever before which seems to stop him in his tracks at times.
There are a lot more variables to this possible move than I'd thought... Guess it's good I am posting and thinking this through...