For me, filing for divorce was about accepting that I was going to be the Bad Guy (in XAH's eyes) no matter what, but that I willingly accepted to take on that role for the same of my daughter. I refused to subject her to the madness of living with XAH any longer than I already had.
For years, I struggled with the whole "being the bad guy" thing; I'd lie to people to avoid hurting their feelings. I avoided other people for the same reasons. My divorce finally allowed me to realize that it was OK not to be loved by everyone and that hurting XAH in the divorce was inevitable, because he felt the entire world hurt him on a daily basis (ok and the abuse he subjected me to also evened things out). I'm still not totally enthralled with the idea of being the bad guy, but I am more able to realize that my needs have to come first sometimes in order for me to be a better mother, daughter or friend.