GettingBy

Hey Folks -

Well it's Monday morning... and I'm mentally recapping where things stand for me. My attorney called me this morning and wanted to know if I was ready to file the divorce papers yet (I signed them but couldn't bring myself to actually send them to the County Clerk).

I don't know what is stopping me... I told the attorney that I know its the right decision, I'm just not "there" yet emotionally. He's kind of wierd - say, "Okay. Well I thought maybe you were mad at me!" WTF? I kept the conversation short - I can't afford to use him for counseling (not at $300 an hour!).

Anyways, our weekend was okay. I spent the entire day Saturday outside... playing with the kids and helping our neighbor clear some brush/debris around our houses. It felt good to get something accomlished... but at the same time, it feels wierd to keep working on a house that I have no interest in keeping. The neighbor cleared out a wooded area so that we can move our kids swingset (it keeps getting blown over in the clearing where we have it now). Again, I wondered why I was even bothering doing all of this - knowing that in my heart I just want out. AH was very stand-offish and didn't want to help or be a part of any of it. He spent the day clearing out his garage and avoiding conversation with all of us.

We are in a wierd limbo place. I'm living in the guest bedroom. We aren't talking, at all. I'm cordial and polite - offered him a cup of tea last night when I made mine. I'm taking care of me (ran 5 miles yesterday and it felt amazing!) - things are okay with the kids. They were happy to be playing with the neighbor kids all weekend.

So this is my life. Living separately under one roof. It sucks. I was watching a movie last night after kids went to bed, AH came into living room, sat on the other couch - and played on his phone for an hour - searching the internet, sending emails and texts... basically living his own life, and I'm not a part of it.

Meanwhile, my engineering business is falling apart. I can't focus on the work that needs to get done. I haven't been able to do the managerial stuff, behind on my taxes. I'm getting nasty emails from clients wanting to know what the hell is up.


I just want it all to go away. I want a giant reset button on my life.

BobbyJ

Limbo sucks, I SO understand...

This weekend, I have been working on the words of "NO CHANGE is NO CHANGE"

I think I have been waiting, hoping, wishing...HE WOULD CHANGE....

Maybe its ME that needs to change...

Its hard to let go of our dreams of having the perfect family & a white picket fence....

Learning to ACCEPT what we have in front of us
or ACCEPTING the fact we need to move on...

Limbo is my middle name...

wanttobehealthy

Getting By- My career is falling apart too bc I have no energy for my job, my responsibilities there, my passion for what I do is gone... I, like you, just want a giant reset button for life.

I totally understand knowing what you should do but not being ready to do it.

Are you hoping that your H, seeing that you are very serious about the divorce, will take this hesitation on your part as his final chance to get into serious recovery? Are you still holding out for the hope of what you thought your life would be with him?

How are your kids doing? I know that having my H around for the past few days after his being gone for the past month has caused confusion for the girls and I realized that I need to keep in mind what they need for consistency and put that above my hope/wish for what he might be able to someday be...

I'm just asking the questions I've been asking myself lately...

I can empathize with where you are right now and my heart goes out to you.

GettingBy

I'm beyond wanting him to change. That's the hardest part for me - I feel like I've completely given up on him, and our marriage.

He's not drinking anymore, and maybe he's "working" on himself... maybe he's not. I don't have a clue - and I *think* I don't even care. I say *think* because I know a part of me does still care - but not enough to focus on it, hope for it... talk about it, etc.

It's really all about me right now. And I realized that this weekend - it's just ME. There is no "us" anymore. And it's sad. And neither of us wants to talk about it anymore... so we just live in silence.

One of my girlfriends asked me - "If he did change, and make a significant effort - would you stay married?" The answer - no. I feel like things are too far gone. Boundaries have been crossed that can't be uncrossed.

And honestly, it's not just HIM, and his problems. I'm part of it. I have stuff I need to work on. It took two of us to ruin this marriage. The relationship is flatlined - yet neither of us will pull the plug. Well, he's already told me he won't - he'd rather have the kids grow up in an unhealthy home than a broken one.

So, why can't I just pull the plug?

duqld1717

I've never been married but with XABF, even if he quit binge drinking every weekend, I still didn't like him as a person. He wasn't giving, understanding, caring, or did anything for me. I was alone in the relationship even when he was sober. That was the deal breaker for me. We were living two seperate lives (Me in the real world and him in his own world). I do understand what you are going through. Its the worst feeling ever because you are giving up on someone who you thought would never do you wrong. You will get the strength one day to finally cut ties completely. It may not be today or tomorrow, but whatever day it is, will be right for you.

Cyranoak

You have a giant reset button. It's called filing the papers. Please consider making one of your goals to be honest, at the very least, with yourself.

If you are going to file, then file and stop wasting everybody's time including your own and your attorney's. If not, then don't and stop wasting everybody's time including your own and your attorney's.

What's stopping you? The fear of being happy? The fear of living alone and in peace instead of "with," if you can even call it that, your alcoholic. Life's so good you just can't bring yourself to file for divorce? Good God.

If for nobody else, try doing what you believe is right for your children. Can you even do that?

Cyranoak

Buffalo66

When I was wanting to get my RAH out of the house and go on with relatively happy unchaotic living, I kept thinking about how sad it was...

this is the interjection of fantasy.

It was not sad, as much as it was necessary.

We get caught up in fantasy, and it can keep us where we know we should have moved on from long ago.

My A kept saying that we should try harder, but he would continue with the behavior that was hurtful, and self centered. Then he would fight to leave, then re-assert that he wanted to be free of the magnifying glass.

I am not divorcing, and I am not at that place, but I said to my friend, "I just dont want to be alone..."

She reminded me that I was alone with him there, and that was worse. To constantly be in limbo, to always be expecting normal, co creative behavior from someone who was just UNABLE to be there for it.

My RAH is going through rapid change, and I am not making any moves in haste.

But, I am so happy that he is not here, and that our son doesnt have to deal with that chaos.

Your AH is not in recovery, has decided its not for him, if I am correct?

You need to swim. He is not swimming. for your business, and for you, and for your kids.

Tuffgirl

I was just going to say the very same thing - maybe a little differently but the same thing. Where is Suki with her Eagles tag line, the line from the song "Already Gone", which says, "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never really know we have the key". (I am paraphrasing...)

But I would also add that maybe you should talk to someone about some mild antidepressants (I know we aren't to offer medical advice here) so its just a humble suggestion...

We all have choices to make in our lives. GettingBy, you don't need to file papers to move forward and take care of yourself. To put your business back in order and take good care of your kids. You just need to put one foot inf front of the other and march onward and upward. If you are having physical problems (including emotional health) then go see someone and talk about options there.

Yes, this is a horrible thing to be going through. No, it isn't what you had planned for yourself when you got married. Yes, it is what it is today. No, he is not going to change over night anyway. Given the facts, what can you do for you to keep you afloat?

Question to all you ladies out there - why do we tend to be wishy-washy about taking charge of our lives? I have found myself doing this...and the I make a conscious effort not to fall into this trap, that I am doing something WRONG or I took a VOW or whatever gets thrown at me for needing to take care of myself. Last time I checked around me, no one else is doing it!! So hey, that leaves little old me. And I refuse to stand around, feeling bad because I married an alcoholic and life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be, and watch everything I have worked my butt off for go down the toilet. I have worked hard for my education, job, reputation, credit score, kids, even the dogs. I am NOT going to let anyone take that away from me, not without one heck of a fight. And if anyone gets in the way of ME living MY life on MY terms, well, to quote Cyranoak again, f**k that person!

JMHO. Stepping off my soapbox...

Tally

You have to do it in your own time and you will know when that time is. Don't be pressured into it by anyone. YOU have to know it's right for it to feel right otherwise there will always be "what if's".

It is scary, really really scary...to take that leap of faith in yourself. Best thing I ever did though...you'll get there too, just keep working through it and processing it till it makes sense.

GettingBy

Cyranoak - I have no use for your tone and attitude. I'm sure you were going for "tough love" but I assure you that you landed at "condescending directive."

For clarification - I'm not wasting my attorney's time. The file is open, and I have paid the retainer and asked him to hold on filing until I notify him otherwise. I'm not calling him and being all wishy-washy with him. HE CALLED ME because he was afraid I was mad at him. And I don't think I've wasted my time - sitting and talking to him was FOR ME. To educate me so that I would be AWARE of what divorce really means.

I know that leaving and getting a divorce is what's best for my children, but without ACCEPTANCE... the follow through isn't going to happen. That's where I am... working on my acceptance before I can really take action. If I try and force a solution now, but am not fully accepting... I'll end up backsliding, flip-flopping and doing more damage to them than good.

My decision making process isn't going to work on YOUR schedule... it's going to happen on mine, and if that irritates you and you feel the need to pass judgement (ie. "Good god") - nexttime please do me a favor and refrain from posting.

How about you work on accepting me as I am, right now. And though you may not feel this way - I AM making progress, a LOT of progress.

GettingBy

I think I am in the process of grieving the "death" of the fantasy. I am realizing more and more that based on things as they are HERE and NOW... this is NOT working for me.

No, my AH is not in any way shape or form of recovery. He's stopped drinking, I guess... but in all reality, it doesn't matter what he is or isn't doing. I'm not focusing on HIM anymore. I'm putting the focus right smack where it belongs... ON ME.

The last sentence is right where it's at for me... I need to "swim" so to speak, because he's not going to do it for us. I can't remember who posted it before but the statement was something along the lines of - "I don't need permission to get a divorce." But, at the same time, I feel like the bad guy for having to be the one to pull the plug. Yeah, I got myself in this situation and so maybe this is one of the consequences of MY bad decisions... but it still SUCKS.

FindingPeace1

Hey, good "practice" boundary setting with Cyranoak. I thought you crossed the line, too, C.

I'm with you.
My AH said he'd file, but he's dropped from any contact and I've seen no papers. I haven't been able to do it myself, although I know it's time. I feel ya.
One day at a time.
Things will make sense with time.

Hugs,
p

wanttobehealthy

I understand this completely. I think it makes a lot of sense.

Here's something I have found interesting (and slightly irritating) about al anon and support for the spouse/family of the alcoholic. For all the talk about recovery being on our A's terms/schedule and how we can't control it etc... it seems the "learning curve" for the spouse's recovery is expected to be a lot faster and there's a lot less compassion (not from everyone and this is not an indictment of this site at all-- just an observation in general) for how hard it is for US to change years of deeply ingrained behaviors. Maybe we don't have chemical addiction like our A's do but I think for a lot of us there is emotional addiction and it's not quite as simple as 'do it or don't do it'. I think before we tell each other things that sound harsh (even if they are meant lovingly) we might want to read our words and ask if we're judging/telling someone else to act on a timeline we think they should follow or whether we are asking questions and encouraging thinking with compassion. Just my 2 cents. I am sorry you felt judged Getting By. I think that you need to do whatever you do on your time frame and need support right now- not lectures.

Getting By- I understand (I think, maybe a little) where you are at and I feel I'm kind of there too. I am struggling, trying to understand things for ME, not to change my AH but to understand what I am doing and make wise choices rather than reactive ones and it sometimes feels that for all that we are supposed to accept our A's wherever they are at, we aren't really given the same lee-way (by ourselves? by others?). I know deep down inside the difference between waffling (been there) and taking time to make educated decisions (like it sounds you are describing you're doing).

It's easy from the outside to say "just do it" but it's not that easy when you're the one in the situation. I have followed your posts over the past few weeks and fwiw I think you are making a lot of progress. Even if it's one step fwd, pause, one step back, pause, two steps fwd, pause. You're doing something. I've been in the mode of stuck, doing nothing for years and I know that to others I might not look like I'm doing much now, but for me it is huge.

Thinking of you and sending you encouragement.

GettingBy

BINGO. For years, I reacted. He would do something/say something - and WHAM, I'd react. I'd scream, yell, or give an ultimatum.

I'm not doing that this time. Instead, I'm stepping back, watching actions, thinking it through and being aware of what I'm feeling, thinking... and then making the right decision.

For me, it's like difference between manageable and unmanageable boundaries. We can draw all the lines we want, but if we aren't willing, ready and able to enforce them... they are useless to us.

FindingPeace1

Sung to the hallelujah chorus:
VAL-I-DATION! VALIDATION! VALIDATION! VAL-I-DATION! VAL-UHUH-DAAAA-TION!!

Thank, anvilhead.
external validation sure does feel good! LOL!

wanttobehealthy

This is precisely what I am doing too. I am not going to make a rash decision bc that is no different than the years of reacting just as you describe.

It might not be the most ideal way to deal, but I am taking time to educate myself about my options and for the first time in my life am taking time to figure out what I actually feel, and think.

Your statement about boundaries and not setting them until we are ready to enforce then is perfect.

GettingBy

I guess that's it. I'm looking at this the wrong way. I have been looking at it as quitting (well, that's what he's been TELLING me I'm doing!)... and maybe it is... or maybe a better way to say it (semantics, I guess) is that I'm surrendering. I'm accepting that the marriage just doesn't work. He doesn't want to admit that, but I certainly shouldn't waste anymore time waiting for him to get it or agree with me.

I agree, I had relationship (boyfriends, a fiance, etc) that just didn't work. In each case there was raw pain when those relationships ended... but it faded with time... and I'm sure this will too.

It's just a lot harder, and more intense when it's a divorce. We have a house, and children and all sorts of other issues that need to be resolved so I have a long road ahead of me.

Thanks Anvilhead!

BobbyJ

You have been on my mind all morning...

If your like me..
I want an answer RIGHT NOW..

I want to feel better RIGHT NOW

I want to be happy RIGHT NOW

Silly girls arent we???...Walk away, take a deep breath, go do something nice for you today..Wheter its your clients, take a nap, or go get your toenails spiffed up..

Dont put the pressure on yourself today....this too shall pass

duqld1717

This is something that has always boggled my mind in my life: Say you had a close girlfriend that that was constantly abusing you, lying to you, using you, ignoring you and in general just being a selfish person...would you stick around and continue being her friend? NO I personally wouldn't. I would cut her out and say good riddens. I've cut out many women from my life because they weren't being good friends to me.

My question....
Why do we let the men in our lives treat us that way and keep giving them chance after chance? We are so quick to cut out friends and even sometimes family members when they treat us badly, but never the men in our lives. I will never understand it. I am guilty of doing this.

GettingBy

Well, I have no issue with cutting off toxic friendships (male or female), toxic clients... and distancing myself from toxic family members.

As for my husband, I let myself be blinded by emotions. As I stayed in the relationship, I got sicker and sicker (I came into with issues from my FOO, so my situation today isn't entirely due to my marriage). I stayed because I wanted, soooo badly, that happily ever after. The one husband to live with until death do us part. I wanted it, and believed in it. Hell, I still believe in marriage, and I think there are people out there that do have the "good stuff." Our marriage... isn't it. It's not good now, and it hasn't been for a while.

I could stay and keep working on me, and hoping for his recovery... or I can get honest, and get busy making and living the life that works for me. That's where my head is... my heart just isn't there yet. I don't know - maybe at some point I'll figure out that I don't need my heart and head in the same place, and I'll just move on.

When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of going...