inpatient and frustrated
Ever since AH got back from rehab I feel more a mess than at any time he was away. I am sad, tired, overwhelmed, in a bad mood, etc. I know it is too early and can't expect much. But I just keep thinking you know maybe he just is a jerk. This is not the marriage that I want. I want someone who acts like they care about me, talks to me, responses to me, comforts me by a hug or something. It is amazing how I had it more together when he was gone. Because it isn't like he is to be seen when he is here (hides in room w/computer), so what should be the difference. But it just forces the idea that hey if you are not here I can't expect you to do those things...and hey I was ok. But now that you are here WTF why do you act this way towards me.
Right now I don't have anyone to talk to and I feel a mess. I just don't know what to do with myself. Part of me thinks I just need to get out, like plan for a life without him. But I am scared. and think it might be rash given the circumstances. I am expecting too much perhaps. But I can't forget all the past and it was a stark contrast the way I felt when he was not here to when he is. I just don't feel good. I did talk to him about things, but the conversation doesn't lead to anything be resolved. We can go to marriage counseling, which he has agreed to. But therapist wants to wait a little bit since he has so many issues...It is hard for me to be here with him and have all these things bothering me, but I do believe that a 3rd party would lead to a more productive conversation - so I don't think I should keep mentioning things about problems to him - but then what should I do, ignore him? ask like everything is ok? try to have a good day with him/without him?
I tend to think the only thing I can do that is helpful is to start figuring out how to make it on my own regarding a job and place to live, after all if it works out it is a win win and if it doesn't I am prepared. But man that scares me to.
Sorry for the rant. I just feel very out of sorts.