Cat123

Ever since AH got back from rehab I feel more a mess than at any time he was away. I am sad, tired, overwhelmed, in a bad mood, etc. I know it is too early and can't expect much. But I just keep thinking you know maybe he just is a jerk. This is not the marriage that I want. I want someone who acts like they care about me, talks to me, responses to me, comforts me by a hug or something. It is amazing how I had it more together when he was gone. Because it isn't like he is to be seen when he is here (hides in room w/computer), so what should be the difference. But it just forces the idea that hey if you are not here I can't expect you to do those things...and hey I was ok. But now that you are here WTF why do you act this way towards me.
Right now I don't have anyone to talk to and I feel a mess. I just don't know what to do with myself. Part of me thinks I just need to get out, like plan for a life without him. But I am scared. and think it might be rash given the circumstances. I am expecting too much perhaps. But I can't forget all the past and it was a stark contrast the way I felt when he was not here to when he is. I just don't feel good. I did talk to him about things, but the conversation doesn't lead to anything be resolved. We can go to marriage counseling, which he has agreed to. But therapist wants to wait a little bit since he has so many issues...It is hard for me to be here with him and have all these things bothering me, but I do believe that a 3rd party would lead to a more productive conversation - so I don't think I should keep mentioning things about problems to him - but then what should I do, ignore him? ask like everything is ok? try to have a good day with him/without him?
I tend to think the only thing I can do that is helpful is to start figuring out how to make it on my own regarding a job and place to live, after all if it works out it is a win win and if it doesn't I am prepared. But man that scares me to.
Sorry for the rant. I just feel very out of sorts.

Shellcrusher

You know we'll talk to you and listen to you.
For me, I know how you're feeling. I also believe it could be a phase. At least it was in my case. The more I do my thing, the less I'd worry about my AW.

Listen to your feelings. When he was gone, you felt good. He's back and now you don't feel good. I believe figuring out how to get a job and living on your own is a good goal to set. Don't worry about the details right now. Just set the goal. Eventually you'll begin working on the details that will lead you to the larger goal.

When I'm feeling at odds with my AW and we're in the house, I silently practice single parenthood. I don't get worked up if the dishes are dirty, or she isn't doing her share. I know that if I'm single and taking care of my son, the dishes still need to be cleaned and I will have to pull all the weight. So why not turn it into a game for me right now and just practice.

I have my good weeks and my bad weeks. I think the bad weeks are getting better and better and it's because I do stuff similar to what you want to do. I work on a plan that will prepare me for the day that I file divorce.

Tuffgirl

In my experience - there is no such thing as a productive conversation with someone in the early stages of recovery. You might as well figure you've got a long road ahead and focus on yourself and stop trying to reason, intellectualize, rationalize anything with him right now. Everything can be ok...for you. You need to make that happen...for you. Do you attend Al-Anon meetings? The folks there can help you feel less "out of sorts".

Its hard not to have expectations, especially from someone you married! But right now, that's the best thing you can do and give this man - no expectations. It's hard, believe me, and I have to remind myself every single day of this, but it can be done, and over time becomes almost second nature.

Stay strong!
~T

Cat123

Thank you for your support and words of wisdom. I will take them to heart and try to take it one day at a time. While I was looking up information I came across this, it was very helpful for me to read it. So wanted to put it out there for anyone else married to someone in early recovery. It made a lot of sense to me.

http://www.peggyferguson.com/userfil...20Survival.pdf

BobbyJ

There is so much truth in that link that I had to read it 20 times..

AT THE END OF STORY: Marriages strengthened by recovery of the members can ultimately be among the healthiest, happiest, and most secure marriages. But first, they have to make it past early recovery.

My thoughts today are:
Define - ((Early Recovery))....WTH is that? 3 months to 3 years?

japabp2000

My husband is still an active A, so I don't know the feeling of being with a RAH just yet, but I pray that his upcoming rehab stay will change that (please God!!). I can only imagine how difficult it must be adjusting to the RAH vs the AH. I think that we as spouses or parents/children/partners/friends of active A's become somewhat accustomed to the lifestyle that the disease creates, and so we have to go through an adjustment, or recovery period ourselves once the A gets sober (or in recovery, whatever). It's bound to be difficult after being use to the AH. I personally think that it would be a wonderful idea for you to seek counseling yourself until you can go as a couple. Take care of yourself!
Hugs, Aimee

coffeedrinker

cat,

i know that many people get out of rehab, and their wonderful, they are supportive, want to converse and make right the wreckage of their lives. my xah was. but apparently everyone is simply not this way.

this is complex stuff.

i can't imagine trying to navigate the anger, the new behaviors, and all that goes with this new life without the assistance of a therapist.

it's true, i think, that it is too soon to make major decisions. go to al-anon. stick here on soberrecovery, and do as much as you can to put YOURSELF on the track you wish to be on. things will fall into place - with work of course - or they won't. today you simply don't know what's going to happen.