Originally Posted by
Helenlee 
Just read your posts in the other forums ...
I was stunned beyond belief to discover how PETRIFIED I was to have to get on with my own life without my alcoholic husband. I was completely & utterly clueless about what I really wanted & who I really was & how this big scary world really worked. No one would ever have guessed - especially not me! - that I wasn't Miss Wonderful ... intelligent, attractive, energetic, funny blah blah blah. Underneath the shiny facade there's a very frightened little girl who has severe abandonment issues & low self esteem along with a string of other alphabet disorders - ADD PTSD OCD & on & on. For 45 years I chose to be involved with addicts & live in complete chaos so I didn't have to focus on myself & my own issues. This was in spite of years & years of counseling & knowing intellectually that this was probably what I was doing. I had to inch my way up to the point where I was emotionally brave enough to risk facing the truth - the whole truth. (Not that I've arrived anywhere yet ... but I'm on my way
)
No matter how destructive the behaviour appears to the outside world, in some weird way or another, it's preferable to facing the alternative for the addict. So for me, the constant drama & trauma of living with addicts was less scary than looking inside & dealing with the festering wounds created by my alcoholic family of origin. For you, using drugs & staying in a relationship you're not very happy in is preferable to ...? That's the million dollar question isn't it? It's scary as hell finding the answer, but on the other side of the fire lies peace & contentment.
Recovery is a journey, not an event. You can't hurry it & you can't miss any of the steps. It's just not possible to earn any sort of "free pass" or "advance 4 steps" sort of tickets. You have to take every single slow painful step yourself ... & there's a reason for that ... & it's because every steps brings new knowledge that will prepare you for the next one.
Good news is that even thought you have to walk alone - there's a really great cheer squad right here
Just walk slowly, OK?
Totally hear what you are saying... I have always thought that someday life would just click, light flipping on a light switch. That I would know, beyond a shadown of a doubt what I wanted to do, where I wanted to live and with whom. Well, I have learned now that it's not like that... it's ever evolving and it's important to always stay in touch with feelings and the signs that life sends your way. Burying those feelings or covering up things with substances, relationships, or changes only delays the serenity that we seek. I realize now that all I trulyt want is serenity, peace of mind, and the knowledge that I am doing the right thing today. When my body or mind is at odds that means something is out of wack. That something is very likely to be inside me at this point and not so much to do with my GF. With that said... until I take some time and space to figure out what that is I will never be able to give to someone what I feel is deserving.
Thanks for your insight... I'm very happy to have found this forum.