Sinewave

I posted this in the men's room and in the relationship section but from what I have read this section has more discussion so I am going to paste what I put in those posts with a few modifications and sections of my replies to questions for further clarification - Thanks to all for reading... I am so happy I found this community - It's like a meeting when I can't get to a meeting! Plus I like the feedback portion. Im Looking forward to participating.

I am 34 years old and 90 days sober from drugs and alcohol. My drug of choice was primarily cocaine, mixed with a lot of alcohol and occasionally ecstacy. I feel good about my sobriety and the mental obsession has been lifted, or at very least significantly reduced. I find myself being happier with who I am on a day to day basis. I can look in the mirror and be a little more proud of who I am. I have a sponsor and am working the steps – up to step 4 at the moment. When I was in rehab in January I got up to step 7 but my sponsor wanted to start over – I think it’s served me well.

The issue I am having is with my relationship. I have been with her for 3 years. While I had dry periods of up to 4 months, not using/drinking, I can’t ever say I was “sober” in my actions. I never had a relationship with a higher power as I do now. I recognize that this woman is an absolutely wonderful person. She is supportive in everything I do. She encourages me to have a healthy lifestyle. She is always there for me to talk to. I truly cannot imagine a woman being more trustworthy, honest, genuine, or loyal. She also has a daughter that I have grown to love dearly.

SO, what’s the issue??? Ever since we started dating I just haven’t really been “into it”… we never had that period of passion or lust and frankly, it just never developed. We have times where we can be intimate but I don’t ever remember feeling that fire burning – ya know, when you feel part of another person? We are absolutely best friends – we get along great and I do recognize her as being a pretty girl. There are more times than not however, that I just am not attracted to her. I also find myself not interested in her life and things she wants to share about herself. For some reason it almost annoys me sometimes to listen to her talk. Gosh I feel HORRIBLE saying that... I ramble too - see here for Exhibit A! And that is so selfish of me to expect her to always be at attention for me when I talk and then when she does I can't wait for her to stop. Ugh.

I know relationships have ups and downs. I know that there aren’t always going to be fireworks but it just feels like there is something missing. What I fear is that I am considering throwing it away and it could lead to epic loneliness and despair which could land me back in party mode. I'm not saying it's a given that I would go back to using... just saying that being alone would be a little more risky. I know that fear of loss and fear of lonliness is not a good reason to stay - it's not fair to her. But my therapist has been telling me to hold off making a decision. It seriously weighs on my mind every day.

I just don’t know what to do. One minute I am thinking about how great it would be to be alone and the next I can’t believe I would even consider such a move. She is 100% my best friend. We have broken up a bunch of times when I thought I wanted someone else and I always went back. When I go back after a break up we are clicking on all cylinders... sex is good, communication is good, I am interested in her life, etc... but that fades like after a week or two - nothing have ever been sustained.

I have been totally open with her about the things I have done and she has forgiven me. My head is spinning and I cannot shake the idea that I have to make a decision and stick to it - something I have long not been able to do. Anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? How did it turn out?

I just want to add...
She is in her early 30s and is head over heels for me. If I was into it 100% she would marry me and want to have more kids. She wants those things. At the moment and for the past 3 years I have not. I genuinely feel that I am doing her a disservice by waiting it out just because my recovery advises that I don't make any major decisions. I mean this is a decision I have made and retracted several times in the past so it's not the firt time I am feel this.

However, it is the first time I am dealing with it and facing it like a normal person - trying to evaluate pros and cons, thinking about the consequences for my actions if I stay or leave, considering what it means to truly love someone and trying to place a value on what I have versus what I want - even trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want, and dealing with the day to day roller coaster of emotions and stress surrounding it.

Maybe I am better to just take some time and move out... get my own place and figure out WTF I am doing before I try to involve someone else. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I do battle with a little anxiety and depression for which I am getting professional care. I have a good job, take care of my body, go to meetings, and have other good relationships. So, yes I have these issues but I have a lot going for me and am very grateful. I just want clarity with this situation. I pray every day asking for that serenity... Ok, rambling.

If you made it to the end - thanks for reading

GettingBy

Here's your answer...

You are putting a lot of pressure on her to keep you sober. That's not fair. No one is that powerful, no matter how nice, sweet, loyal, sexy, etc. they are. The only person who can keep you sober... is you.

Work on that. Focus on you.

Let her go, hand her over to your HP... and trust that more will be revealed and all things will work out.

StarCat

Your recovery is yours.
Her recovery is hers.

My XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) was always telling me that I was his only hope.
That I had to keep him sober, and that I didn't realize how much influence I had over him, that I needed to keep reminding him of not to drink, and that he couldn't do it without me.
He was always saying that I was his angel, sent to save him.

It's a lot of pressure to put on someone's shoulders.
And in my case, with XABF, it was also setting me up to be the cause when he started drinking again. (And in his case, he always started drinking again, in spite of all my best efforts.)
I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, and no time or energy to work on my stuff, because I was always dragging his stuff around like a ball and chain.
I became the shadow of a person, moving from one chore to another.

She needs to be free to work on her own recovery.
Yes, there's recovery that needs to be done to rebuild from the effects of having a relationship with an alcoholic. It really is draining, and takes so much out of a person, and it's not all sunshine and rainbows when the alcoholic stops drinking.
There is a lot of self-work that we need to do, as well.

She needs some space to work on her things, and you need some space to work on your things.
If you keep dragging her back to help you with yours, she won't have a chance to become the person she's meant to be - an even more wonderful person than who she is now.
Not to mention, your sobriety will come to depend on someone other than yourself - and the only person you're guaranteed to have by your side 100% of the time for the rest of your life is you, so you need to teach yourself what you need, first.

tjp613

I'm going to be blunt, but don't *mean* to sound critical...it's just what I hear you saying.

I hear that you're a taker and not a giver -- which is true for most addicts/alcoholics. Putting your own needs first to the point where you can't even stand to listen to her talk (!!!?). I don't see this attitude going away no matter who you are dating.

You respect her, have fun with her, but the sex is boring. Again, I see this as a sign of immaturity. (Sorry.) I also see that this will probably be a recurring problem for you in future relationships. It's rare that sex is gonna be hot and passionate much past the first year or two. It has to be appreciated on a different level after that point.

I also hear that you are addicted to the drama of breaking up and getting back together again...and that THIS time...do the poor girl and her daughter a favor and if you're gonna break up with her, then man up, think of THEM for a change, and do it for real this time. They must be in a living hell.

zrx1200R

you should go. Start over. Find someone new. Move on.

good luck.

duqld1717

I agree with TJP. You sound like you are addicted to the "drama" of a relationship. That is not healthy. Sounds like you need to become more secure in who YOU are before you can have a healthy relationship. Have you tried explaining your true feelings to your gf? I think she deserves a right to know how you feel because then she can decide for herself if she wants to stay or go. It's her life too. She doesn't deserve to get dragged along for the ride with a person that can't stand to hear her talk!!

If you love her, be fair. Think of how she must feel. You may be holding her back from finding someone she can truly click with on all levels. Please don't keep her around because she is helping you to stay sober. You are being selfish. Sorry if that is blunt. Work on yourself or find someone else that you click with better. I think you need to be more open and give her an option as well. You probably shouldn't even be in a relationship at all if you are only 90 days sober-I think they say 1 year is best so you can work on YOU and your sobriety.

laurie6781

By posting in the forums you are going to get as many different opinions as those who post.

My question to you is What Does Your Sponsor Say? Has your sponsor explained that in the first year of recovery we are all confused? I sure know I was and those A's I have worked with for almost 30 years now are also.

We don't know if we are coming or going. Your post proves that, lol Our decisions in that first year, especially in the first 6 months, are 'iffy' at best.

"No major changes the first year, unless it is affecting your sobriety."

Stay focused on your steps and your recovery for now. She obviously hasn't voiced anything about wanting to leave, and I suspect as you get more recovery under your belt and some new 'pathways' are developed in your brain, and your thinking becomes clearer about a lot of things, this will work itself out.

I have seen many that have made 'rash' decisions early in recovery, come to regret them later into their recovery.

Discuss this with your sponsor.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Sinewave

OK, thanks for the replies... let me restate what I said because there seems to be some inappropriate paraphrasing going on ... first I said it almost annoys me sometimes listening to her talk. I didn't say that I can't stand it - there is a difference. And I recognize that is not considerate - I am telling you how I feel and recognizing that there is an issue with it.

All in all I treat her well... I do not verbally or physically abuse her. I help around the house, help out and spend valuable time with her daughter. I taught her how to ride a bike and help her with homework... read her bedtime stories etc. I cook dinner, help fix things around the house, and generally participate in our "family".

Second... the fact that I say the sex is boring does not imply that I am immature. I recognize the importance of having a life long friend and companion. That is why I am posting - I see and recognize all of the great things we have. We get along wonderfully and enjoy many of the same things. Just because I am unhappy sexually in the relationship does not *mean* that I am immature. I don't claim to be the most mature person and I have A LOT of work to do... but I want to be clear that I am trying to get help with this - not talk about how bad she is for me. We never had the 1-2 year peroiod of great sex. I stayed because I saw how wonderful she was... selfish? yes because I was having my other needs met outside of the relationship.

Third, as I stated above - she is aware of how I feel. I told her about all of the times I cheated, used, lied, etc. She was devastated but we saw how well we get along and focus on the good times and committed to trying to work it out. I have been totally up front with her with all of this... except telling her that I sometimes get annoyed listening to her talk... that would be *mean* and it's my problem not hers.

And Finally... I said that my therapist advised that I wait and it was driving me crazy. I didn't say she is helping me stay sober but that I fear what will happen without her because I will be alone.

Again, I see that I am screwed up but I want to work on it...

Saying these issues will be reoccuring is rather condescending too considering that I am trying to fix them now.

I acknowledge - I am more of a taker and I want to change that.

Oh, and the program says you shouldnt start a relationship for 90 days. It doesn't instruct you to break off long relationships to be single for a year.

Thanks for the replies... I appreciate the bluntness... for real.

nodaybut2day

This is JMHO...but you are only 90 days sober. How can you evaluate what you want after such a short amount of time? Don't get me wrong, 90 days is GREAT, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a drop in the bucket.

I think it's time, for the sake of the mother and her child (who *needs* consistency in her life), I would suggest stepping away until you're sure you can commit to the relationship. It might be painful at first, but it would certain be what's best for you in terms of focusing on your recovery. Also, the way you describe things, I get the feeling that you've been in and out of their lives for the past 3 years, and that you may continue to waffle about. That's unfair to them both and very unhealthy for the child.

Sinewave

Thanks Laurie

I have discussed with my sponsor.. he is on the fence, stating exactly what you did but also thinking that I might be better off really working on some things individually. He thinks the relationship might be putting extra strain on my recovery even though that strain is basically self imposed on my behalf.

Regret is my biggest fear.

Sinewave

Thanks. I absolutely agee and it devastates me to think that I may be hurting the kid. The other side to that is thinking I should stay around because leaving would hurt the kid but I know I have to think long term. It would be better to have stability... even if it means that I am not there... at least it wouldnt be back and forth.

nodaybut2day

Again, JMHO...Regret, for me, comes out of a desire to regain/correct what's in the past. Unless you live in Sci-Fi World, that's just not possible. However, when you begin to understand that there's a reason for everything in your life, and that all events lead you down the path HP has laid out for you, then regret seems less painful, less poignant, because past events start to appear as necessary for your journey to progress. If your relationship is meant to happen, and it may not be this year or not in five years, then it's going to happen. This is where you trust in HP...

Perhaps you are also experiencing the fear of feeling pain, or loneliness, if you were to step away from the relationship. To this I would respond: no one ever died from being uncomfortable. Furthermore, perhaps accepting to live through the pain will teach you more about yourself and what you want.

WayTooLong

I am sorry to sound so blunt, but you are really selfish...I mean really selfish.

I am that woman whose husband had 2 affairs (both times - party girls) because he told me he doesn't know if he should have married me (27 years ago...it's a recurring theme) but still leaves and keeps calling/coming back because he tells me, "no one beats you in the quality department" (my issue for taking him back). Maybe he fell in love with my qualities - who knows???

The cheating is his/your problem....Own it. Stop making excuses for bad behavior. You cheated because YOU needed validation for something lacking within you. That won't change with the next flavor of the month.

What you are doing is not only heartbreaking to another human being...it is soul crushing. I agree with others, 90 days is too short of a time to make that kind of decision. That's all I have to say.

duqld1717

You SHOULD be in it 100%. You say you are not into it 100%. You also say you feel you are doing her a "disservice" by waiting it out.

Sorry, I am just hearing alot of negative words here. However, you do say alot of positive things about her. In my honest opinion, you are either in or your out. If you are on the fence, take some time away just for yourself. You might discover some clarity to which side you want to be on when you remove yourself from the situation.

buttercream

My opinion is that it is too early in your sobriety for you to be evaluating your relationship or making big changes in your life. This shouldn't be weighing on your mind every day. You should be focused on healing yourself.

It seems to me that you are putting a lot of focus on her and whether she makes you happy and satisfied, when the truth is that no one will make you happy or satisfied other than yourself. You left, and you weren't happy. You're back, and you're not happy. The common denominator in this equation is YOU. Don't expect someone else to fulfill a need that only you can fulfill.

I'm sorry, but I think you have an immature perspective on this relationship. Personally, I think you should appreciate the wonderful, supportive person in your life and work on yourself so that you are someone she deserves.

Sinewave

Why "SHOULD" I appreciate it? You "SHOULD" like to lift weights and run marathons. You "SHOULD" be happy that you have a job in this tough economy. You "SHOULD" like to eat all types of food.

My point is... everyone can say that you should feel this way or you should want or like this. Everyone has their own preferences. One would think that what I have would make me happy. The fact that it doesn't is what I am working with. Believe me, I have wished and prayed for me to feel how i SHOULD.

ya know?

Babyblue

Then you need to work a bit harder, like the rest of us do.

You still seem to have that need to run from a problem. Recovery is making you realize things you were numbed to perhaps.

You say you find her exciting for a couple of weeks and then you are ho-hum. My thought is it won't be any different with someone else at this point.. Whereever you go, there you are.

Maybe the problem isn't so simple as there is no spark. It may be deeper than that. Cutting and running or leaving your problems yet again isn't what recovery is about. You did it in the past and you are going to do it again it sounds like.

That is really the issue.

Welcome to the world the rest of us live in. It is hard, very hard. There are no easy answers and the issues are about ourselves. Relationship 'excitement' is a two way street. What are YOU doing to maintain that spark? What makes you think that you are still fabulously exciting to be with? And that simply being in your presence should make you irresistable?

IF you have tried and made an effort (a real effort.. simply sticking it out is NOT working on the problem) then you have to face some difficult realities.

It is that instant gratification part of you that wants that new relationship buzz to last but it doesn't. We all are annoying from time to time and not that attractive. Sounds like she really loves you and if you think that kind of love grows on trees, it doesn't.

Sure there will always be someone out there more exciting, beautiful, bigger boobs, etc but are they willing to deal with what loving someone in recovery entails? I am not trying to be harsh but something about your post frustrated me as the person in love with someone in recovery.

It is very tough staying emotionally intact being in her position. Give her time to adjust to the new you. Give her a reason to be thrilled everytime you walk in the door. A bit of appreciation can go a LONG way for women in our position.

buttercream

My point is...no one is capable of making you happy right now. It really has nothing to do with her.

I hate to see anyone give up on a "wonderful" person when there are sooo many crappy people in this world, but it kind of sounds like you want us to tell you to leave for some reason? Would that be easier for you? Maybe its for the best after all.

Sinewave

I really don't know. Thanks for all of the replies. I didn't expect a walk in the park in recovery. Im just having a hard time and I have a lot of guilt and I feel one way one second and another the next. I only want to do what's right but I know im not going to get a letter in the mail from god with instructions as to what I should do. Thanks again!

LexieCat

It's a tough situation to find yourself in. I think it's a mistake to stay with someone merely as a show of appreciation for what she has done for you. OTOH, I also think that emotions and thinking are not a hundred percent in early sobriety (it took two years for my brain function to come back to what it was after I quit drinking), so you don't want to act hastily, either.

I would NOT marry her until and unless you are certain you want to make that kind of commitment. That's mostly out of fairness to her and her child. I would also suggest--maybe after you have a few months more sobriety under your belt--that you consider some relationship counseling, which might help you figure out where it should be going, whether you both want to continue in the relationship.

I don't think you're necessarily hopelessly selfish if you decide to break up with her. I DO think it would be selfish of you to stay ONLY out of fear that you would drink if you left her. It will take some work to be sure you are making the right decision for the right reasons.

Do your Step work thoroughly, and you will probably develop a clearer understanding of what you want, and why. And whatever you decide, you can move forward with a clear conscience by being kind and fair.