Originally Posted by
GettingBy 
I'm no fun, never have been. Why cant i be like other wives and be more loving and understanding? He's just being a guy, and made a few mistakes.
I feel like a pretty horrible person today. I feel broken and unworthy of love... And interestingly enough, I want this divorce more now than ever. But, today, I think about that and worry if I'm just running away.
I have felt this way so many times.
I think it is the occupational hazard of trying to talk to someone who is still unable to own their own stuff.
You are wise for seeing that some of what he is nailing you on is accurate, but....
lets just take this apart for a second:
"Im no fun, never have been..."
You know this is not true. You have been living in a dark, toxic, and unbearable place for a long time. My RAH said, when he came back from treatment, while he was pink clouding it, "I can see you are just like a plant, and if I water, and care for you, and treat you right, you are not my enemy ata ll, you are a wonderful, loving, happy person." It didnt last, LOL...but it was true.
"Why cant I be like other wives and be more loving and understanding?"
You cannot know what other marriages are like. People keep things behind closed doors. Its all relative. And in this case, I have to say that hes got you drinking the kool-aid. Im sorry, but 'other wives' who dont have As as husbands, who are not lied to, who dont clean up messes ALSO have issues with their husbands. Its like that idea that everyone else is soooo well adjusted. No one is totally. If there are women out there who put up and shut up, while living with active alcoholism, then get through recovery without any resentment, without any residual crap, they are not in recovery themselves, and we all know everyone has their own bottom. That is their business and their problem. DO not compare your coping and managing your mess with how 'well' it seems that others do it. Its an illusion and only serves to feed your denial.
"Hes just being a guy, and made a few mistakes"
Yes. People make mistakes. And marriages end over it. You are unwilling to deal with certain things. You have boundaries. Some people overlook a few things. A life of unhappiness and resentment is not about a few mistakes. Its about an unworkable relationship.
"I feel broken and unworthy of love"
NO one is unworthy of love. Not even him. And there may be parts of you that feel broken and unmendable, but they may be only in relation to your ability to continue dancing with him. That is OK.
Truth is, people end marriages for a hell of a lot less than we deal with here at SR.
People end marriages because they get bored. Because they outgrow each other.
We cannot judge that.
Ease up on YOU, YOU deserve better treatment from yourself.
I think you are doing great, and its normal to question such a big step.