You are not an idiot you are human. I new about my A's problems before we reunited after being apart for 11 years. He moved 3000 miles away and I was forced to try to move on with my life. During which I married someone to try and forget him and had 2 children. His problems began while we were apart. I prayed for years not to love him and I even tried to convince myself that I didn't at times. It is hard watching what he is going through. I litteraly watch him cry and hate hisself for his addictions and what it leads him to do. The most important thing and really the only thing you can do is focus on fixing you because you cannot fix him. The only thing you can do for him is pray and try to encourage him to get help. Today I started to focus more on myself and my A showed more respect for me and we acctually have gotten along better today.
lots of hugs hun and I will pray for you. I hope something I have written has helped. I know that reading everyone else's stories and offering what little advice I can acctually helps me to.
rose