I'm so sorry your going through this, and I can certainly relate to the feeling of guilt with your children. I drank soon after each of mine were born, and throughout their lives (20 and 22 now). I've moderated as well and quit at times but was never quite able to quit for good. I'm working the 12 steps now and it has helped tremendously, as does posting here for support and someone to listen to. I am working on making ammends to my children now for past and the impact it had on their childhood and still has to this day to some extent. JohnLennon is right, they still love you, you are their mother and want the best for them as much as I'm sure they want the best for you. We can always move forward and be the best parent, friend, and child we can today. I have a new grandchild who, through God's grace, will never see his grandmother drunk.