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Old 04-03-2011, 04:08 AM   #1 (permalink)

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Horrible bubbling emotions

Hey all

I was at my meeting last night and I just got so tearful and emotional. I've been feeling like this for a few days, not sure why - well it's a mixture of things - I'm out of work at the moment, I'm struglling with smoking - having given up for two months i've started again, whcih is sooooo annoying. I really really wanted 'a' drink the other night and lots of suppressed thoughts are creeping unwillingly into my head about my past behaviours - particulary a few incidents in my eldest daughters childhood - she's 21 next week and i was a mess right up until she was 17 if I'm honest. Oh there were periods when i 'stopped drinking' or 'moderated' but it always went wrong somehow. The speaker last night night talked about dying young through drink...this hit me hard too, as my dad died through drink when i was only 2 and he was just 34...I've never really got over that - never been allowed to talk about it, just generally accepted it, but it's really getting to me lately. So today is mothers day and my eldest called me, I told her I'd got upset last night and apologised (again) for my behaviour before, she shrugged it off as she does, and then I get a delivery of a huge bunch of flowers from her. I don;t deserve these - why did she do it? How did i get such a lovely child? My youngest two, who have been through a few 'moments' also gave me chocolates and cards. How can I get through the feeling of uselessness that I feel right now? I now have to go see my own mum and to be honest, she is hard work...!
There's no future in the past..
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:19 AM   #2 (permalink)
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It can be hard dealing with feelings sober.

I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley

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Old 04-03-2011, 04:33 AM   #3 (permalink)

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My mom has been drinking for a couple years now, and I hate it, sure. But there are always the good times that I remember with her while sober. Those are the times I only remember, and I block out all of the bad memories. I still love her as much as any child would love their mom, even if she were perfect. They still love you as much as anyone does.
The Beatles Are My Drug ( John Lennon is my addiction)
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:45 AM   #4 (permalink)

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Johne that has made me cry !
There's no future in the past..
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Old 04-03-2011, 06:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I think you will get better at dealing with those emotions as time goes by. It's hard to do, but don't let it send you back to drinking.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 04-03-2011, 06:57 AM   #6 (permalink)

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I'm so sorry your going through this, and I can certainly relate to the feeling of guilt with your children. I drank soon after each of mine were born, and throughout their lives (20 and 22 now). I've moderated as well and quit at times but was never quite able to quit for good. I'm working the 12 steps now and it has helped tremendously, as does posting here for support and someone to listen to. I am working on making ammends to my children now for past and the impact it had on their childhood and still has to this day to some extent. JohnLennon is right, they still love you, you are their mother and want the best for them as much as I'm sure they want the best for you. We can always move forward and be the best parent, friend, and child we can today. I have a new grandchild who, through God's grace, will never see his grandmother drunk.
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Old 04-03-2011, 07:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I found I had to address my depression in order to address my alcoholism. I have two chronic illnesses - alcoholism and major depression - and I've never had any success at all trying to deal with one while neglecting the other. Not saying this is the case with you, but it may be worth bouncing your situation off a doc or mental health professional to see if they have tools in their bags that can help you through this.
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Old 04-03-2011, 08:32 AM   #8 (permalink)

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I am also helped by the 12 steps...and trying to forgive myself. You are sober and working hard at at it...congratulations!
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Old 04-03-2011, 08:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Coolmummy, nothing I have experienced in recovery is tougher than parenting. Many of the themes in recovery seem to be contradictory to good parenting.

Regret at not being the parent I could have been gets me from time to time. I am healthy enough to realize that regret by itself is nothing, just a bad feeling that gets me nowhere. I know that I have amends to make to my children, but when and how deep to do I go? Amends are supposed to help the alcoholic be at peace with the past. What the person does with the amends is really that person's deal. I suppose this is still true with your kids, but it does not feel right. There has to be something more I can do for them other that say "Sorry, I was a drunk and a lot of the ca-ca in your life is mine."

My first thought is that I/we will deal with these things as we move forward, but the danger for me is that I will get lazy and not be open. I am not a very available person when it comes to emotions, and duh, neither are my kids. We could easily go for decades not talking about deeper than fishing. On the other hand it would be irresponsible for me to blow up their lives because of my problems.

I don't have a solution, other than I think if I stay sober, and stay on the path to recovery, solutions will become clear and I will have the courage to do what is right. I just wanted to say I feel your pain and wish you a happy mother's day.
"My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened." Mark Twain
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