I took my A back after many times of tear filled promises to stop drinking, got to AA, do whatever it took to get and stay sober.
I kept thinking that this time would be the time that it would click, that he would embrace recovery for all the right reasons. It never happened. He had a million excuses why different things didn't work - from AA to therapy, to meds to control his drinking-nothing was ever "the right fit" for him.
Christmas 2010 was no different. He came into my place on Christmas Eve, detoxing from anther binge. I caved again, we had our Christmas but it got me to thinking-is this going to be what it's going to be like for the rest of our lives?
Throughout the winter, I bided my time and as we spent time together, I realized that my plans had no place in the equation. I am working through Accounting courses on-line and needed computerized ones I couldn't get on-line, so I signed up at a local private college for a 15 week course. He was never too supportive of this and the realization that this would never change started to sink in with me.
My enrollment set off the latest binge as he could never deal with me going off "into the world", out of his sphere of influence, whether it was Al-Anon meetings, volunteer work, whatever.
Things came to a head last Friday when, in another drunken haze (a good case of word vomit on his part), he called me a quitter, saying I wouldn't finish this course. Told me his sex drive was dampened by the fact that I was a smoker. Tried to bait me into yet another round of arguments with no end in site. Figured I'd go of in a huff then once he sobered up, all would be well again. I hung up and made the decision then and there to end it.
I guess this binge made me FINALLY see that my plans, what I wanted from life had no part in the equation of our relationship. I realized that I had been living my life always waiting....for the next binge, the post-binge promises, the dry drunk syndrome and always for our lives to get back on track. Wash, rinse, repeat the cycle time and time again.
In order for me to get ahead, I had to break the cycle and I have. I feel different this time. I feel at peace with my decision. I'm not scared to go it alone. I moved cross country to be with him and fortunately, I made fast friends through Al-anon and where I volunteer. I have family back East, I have a sweet dog who helps me get through all of this.
In spite of feeling different this time, the old urges are still there-to respond to the emails, to call to have my say about what happened last week. I struggle with it daily and to help things along, I blocked emails, Facebook, MSN Messenger, any avenue of communication.
I have AL-Anon, SR, friends and family to help me over the rough spots without blame or judgment, but with love and acceptance. It's not an easy process and it won't happen overnight.
All I do is keep focusing on me what is going on in my life. The more I do that, the less focus that is on him. that's his department and however he chooses to live his life - sober or not - that's between him and his HP.