I just want to say "THANK YOU" for all of the input...
It has 210% made a difference in me....
I have to say, that I have learned something about myself over
the past few months...
It would be:
I never realized, how sick and naive I was during all of the daily commotions
of living with a AH or even a RAH...
Damn, I ask myself, What were you thinking? Where were you?
I shake my head today and think of myself as a cancer survivor
yelling out loud "I SURVIVED"
I never realized just how crazy, chaotic, dysfunctional our family really was.
Now that he has moved away, and Im in recovery, things are
starting to look alot clearer to me.
As time goes on being alone, Funny little things pop up in my head,
that he use to do or say. Things he would accuse me, things that
we would argue about constantly. (My daughter being the main argument)
At that time, I would argue or cry or throw a fit, or make excuses for him.
And the entire time, I never really looked at the hole picture. Living
with an alcoholic, I had peices and bits (of everything).
Nothing was ever a hole picture.
It was always a mystery waiting to happen...
I made these comments over and over to myself and the kids...
Like oh, he just had a bad day, or he is just tired...
Well, that will be the last time I ever say those words to my kids or myself!
The buck stops here, and I LIKE IT!!
Now, I look at the things he said and did, as UNACCEPTABLE.
I am just ashamed of myself, but I am okay with it, as long as I learn
to NEVER do it again....I will be honest, I do have days of beating myself
to death, but the more I learn to let go and let God. It only gets more
peaceful...
Wheter I get my daughter back into my life or not, Im willing to continue
to get myself HAPPY, HEALTHY...just in case the door is ever opened up.
I pray that it will NOT be opened, until God knows, Im ready!!
I finally took a stand yesterday and it did put me into shock, but actually
felt great that my limbo, starting to free itself loose...
I now have a "FOR SALE" sign in the front yard!
I talked to my son last night,
and he said "It's Great to finally hear you happy mom, I love you"
Just what I needed to hear...It was a great day!
I have battled the words "FORGIVING"..(That has been a struggle for me mentally)
but I have come to MY grips of forgiving...
I know I will NEVER be able to forgive him, if I live with him...