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The things they say when they are DRUNK....Are those real words??

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The things they say when they are DRUNK....Are those real words??

Old 03-30-2011, 11:57 AM
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The things they say when they are DRUNK....Are those real words??

Oh...Im sure all of us have heard many things when they are drinking.

But, I do wonder...
Are these things that they say subconsciously in their minds?
Do they really mean it?
Do they say what they really feel inside, but
dont have enough guts to say it when they are sober?

My RAH, when drunk, made a comment to my girlfriend
about my daughters body peircings on her chest..
Which I feel is a very sexual private part of a female.

When I asked him, WHY IN SAM HELL..Would you
say anything to anyone about this?

His reply was: Well, it was probably just on my mind
or saw someone who had peircings and it reminded me
of hers, I dont know, its no big deal...I was drunk..

Me: Unacceptable answer, vomit....

I havent thought about this for a month or so, then late
last night out of no where, this came back thru my mind.
I dont know what triggered this to come back into my
mind again...Uggggg

Funny, how things tend to creep out of no where...
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Old 03-30-2011, 12:15 PM
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Ah always says that he speaks the "truth" in his rantings. And from my experience, it may be his skewed version of the truth, but IMO it shows how truly sick he is. For example, during his last major rant/rage, he talked about how a friend and her son had to be made up, he'd never met them, he wondered just who I was introducing my son too, etc. I pointed it out to him later on, in my typical codie voice, that he's met this friend and her son. Of course then he didn't remember it.
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Old 03-30-2011, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Unacceptable answer
Exactly. Saying inappropriate things and blaming it on the alcohol, behaving unacceptably and blaming it on the alcohol--same thing.

As I've said before, unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. The "reason" doesn't matter.

L
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Old 03-30-2011, 12:26 PM
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I think there is some honesty to what people say when they are drunk. Thier own twisted thoughts, AH doesn't really think I am a *&%^$ but he throws that same name at me everytime he drinks.... I know he doesn't trust anyone (he has the tattoo on his leg to prove it DTA) and I am sure that that includes me to a degree. Although everytime I bring up his drunken rants, he never remembers any of it. Doesn't seem like much of a defense to me....He has expressed that he has had some triggers about my faithfulness to him even when he has been sober... that is his jealous/controlling abusive nature another side to the A the side that brings out the violent demon.
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Old 03-30-2011, 12:34 PM
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If it was said I don't really care if they really think it or not, if they meant it, if it is subconscious, drunken, 'funny', comes from a place of pain, a mental illness, confusion, or just mean.

My ears here it just the same no matter what.
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Old 03-30-2011, 12:39 PM
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Just like how being an abusive drunk still means there's two different problems - abusiveness and alcoholism - there is some skewed version of their own thought process in the drunken rantings.

In college I knew someone who was a Eucharistic minister and a reader at Mass and a cantor. He put a lot of time into the church, but didn't really talk about it outside of the church building itself. He wanted to be involved vocally outside in some way, but was very shy, so never did it.
When he was completely drunk he turned into a loud-spoken evangelist who walked up to complete strangers and announced how much God loved them, and that they should give their souls to Jesus. Once the alcohol took hold and removed those "shyness" inhibitions, then you couldn't get him to stop preaching.

XABF always ranted about the same things when he was drunk - if he didn't at least subconsciously feel that way about things, I feel he would have had different rants, but they're all the same. He could have said the things he said to break me down to convince me to stay, or he could have said them because he knew they were false and his subconscious decided to try and drive me away - that answer I don't know.
But I do know that at least subconsciously, there was a reason for what he said, it didn't come from nowhere.
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Old 03-30-2011, 12:53 PM
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You already know...

...but won't admit it to yourself. I was in denial about my wife for many, many years, and it seems to me you are in a similar place with your husband who, incidentally, is not recovering (he was drunk!).

Please, if you haven't already, start going to Alanon.

Also, all kinds of ******** comes out of their mouths, and we could argue all day if they mean it, but in my case I believe some was truth as she saw it, and some was her trying to hurt me.

As for the comments about daughter's piercings, it was not appropriate, but it's also not appropriate for you to have an expectation that he will be appropriate in any given situation. It's also unrealistic.

The real questions is, again, why are you with this man?

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Old 03-30-2011, 12:59 PM
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I would like to use myself as an example if no one minds....

I am an adult and I have drank and heck, I have gotten drunk a few too many times myself. I have done embarassing things that I normally would not have done sober and I have regretted some of the things that I have said.... but I can not say that I ever said something that was not true when I was drunk. Just sometimes wish I had said it at a more appropriate time maybe (like when i told my girlfriend that her BF had tried to make out with me and I was offended.... of course that was TRUE he did. But I probably should have told her it in a differant way, I probably should not have said it while we were out celebrating thier engagment ect)

I know an A's mind plays out alot differantly than a normie... but I honestly believe thier is always some truth to what they say, and how they portray thier feelings.
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Old 03-30-2011, 01:06 PM
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How old is your daughter?
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Old 03-30-2011, 01:21 PM
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My RAH, when drunk, made a comment to my girlfriend
about my daughters body peircings on her chest..
Which I feel is a very sexual private part of a female.

When I asked him, WHY IN SAM HELL..Would you
say anything to anyone about this?

His reply was: Well, it was probably just on my mind
or saw someone who had peircings and it reminded me
of hers, I dont know, its no big deal...I was drunk..
I hope your daughter does not have to listen to his lecherous comments.
Why in the name of everything holy would your daughters private piercings be on his mind, drunk or sober?
The fact that he said this at all, to your girlfriend no less! makes him very very sick indeed.
There is no excuse for saying anything about your daughter in this area. None.
Also, he has no respect for you as a mother, or your daughter as a person.
If your daughter has ever told you about him abusing her in any way, believe her.
Gah!~

beth
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Old 03-30-2011, 03:55 PM
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I honestly think some of what comes out is the truth of what they feel and the rest is pure crap. When you are so drunk you don't even remember it the next day how can it be a logical thought the night before? I think mean drunks are just that mean... saying anything to make you mad, truth or not. Slobbering mushy drunks I think are saying what they think at the moment... can you trust it? I wouldn't. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 03-30-2011, 06:55 PM
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I just found this in my "Why Does He Do That?" book.


People's conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attitudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they have simmering below the surface.
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Old 03-30-2011, 11:13 PM
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I know that in the past when XAH got drunk he started to say things that began to come out during his sober periods too as time went one. I agree with Starcat, sadly.
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Old 03-31-2011, 08:00 AM
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It can be both, I think...

I spent years running around in a hamster ball in my head trying to figure out which was the real RAH, "will the real RAH please stand up?", LOL..

Truth is, he would say really kind and wonderful things as much as he said horrible things when he was loaded. I came to chalk it all up to being loaded.

What is real? He is an alcoholic.
We talk on here a lot about quacking, which is not limited to when they are drunk....

But like La Tee Da always says, it doesnt matter. Especially in this case.
He was talking about his own daughters body, and that is UNACCEPTABLE under any conditions.

I wish I could say whatever the h*ll I want and put it all on PMS or alcohol. Life would be really easy if I had a scapegoat situation with which to write eveything off to.

I also have had the similar experience as bookwyrm, where I thought he was a big d*ckhead because of alcohol, but, at 6 months sober, he still acts like Larry David sometimes, having limited self editing ability. He does say some of the same myopic, ridiculous, rude, and sometimes highly offensive things...

Do they mean what they say?
I dont know about your A in this situation, but I know that it is nearly impossible to get an authentic communication out of an alcoholic who is active, whether drunk or sober at the time.
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
I just found this in my "Why Does He Do That?" book.


People's conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attitudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they have simmering below the surface.
I am throwing in my vote for this. My husband may be "sober" but he is saying the same things, some worse, to me now that he said when drunk. It's there, just under the surface, all the time. And believe me, this men aren't putting near as much energy in worrying about their behavior as we are. This is how they keep us hooked.

Forget it - its not worth the energy anymore. Blech!
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:41 AM
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I just want to say "THANK YOU" for all of the input...
It has 210% made a difference in me....

I have to say, that I have learned something about myself over
the past few months...

It would be:
I never realized, how sick and naive I was during all of the daily commotions
of living with a AH or even a RAH...
Damn, I ask myself, What were you thinking? Where were you?

I shake my head today and think of myself as a cancer survivor
yelling out loud "I SURVIVED"

I never realized just how crazy, chaotic, dysfunctional our family really was.

Now that he has moved away, and Im in recovery, things are
starting to look alot clearer to me.

As time goes on being alone, Funny little things pop up in my head,
that he use to do or say. Things he would accuse me, things that
we would argue about constantly. (My daughter being the main argument)


At that time, I would argue or cry or throw a fit, or make excuses for him.
And the entire time, I never really looked at the hole picture. Living
with an alcoholic, I had peices and bits (of everything).
Nothing was ever a hole picture.
It was always a mystery waiting to happen...

I made these comments over and over to myself and the kids...
Like oh, he just had a bad day, or he is just tired...
Well, that will be the last time I ever say those words to my kids or myself!
The buck stops here, and I LIKE IT!!

Now, I look at the things he said and did, as UNACCEPTABLE.
I am just ashamed of myself, but I am okay with it, as long as I learn
to NEVER do it again....I will be honest, I do have days of beating myself
to death, but the more I learn to let go and let God. It only gets more
peaceful...

Wheter I get my daughter back into my life or not, Im willing to continue
to get myself HAPPY, HEALTHY...just in case the door is ever opened up.
I pray that it will NOT be opened, until God knows, Im ready!!

I finally took a stand yesterday and it did put me into shock, but actually
felt great that my limbo, starting to free itself loose...
I now have a "FOR SALE" sign in the front yard!

I talked to my son last night,
and he said "It's Great to finally hear you happy mom, I love you"
Just what I needed to hear...It was a great day!

I have battled the words "FORGIVING"..(That has been a struggle for me mentally)
but I have come to MY grips of forgiving...

I know I will NEVER be able to forgive him, if I live with him...
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