I did find forgiveness for my xah. It make no difference to him but it is very freeing for me.
A couple of things happened for me that I think brought me to a place of forgiveness.
1) - I finally 100% accepted him for who he was. I expected from him exactly what the last 16 years told me I'd get. That sure makes life a lot easier and less crazy.
2) - I gave up the struggle of trying to accept the unacceptable into my life. I let go of my guilt, my ideas of what I should do or who I should be, snd of trying to predict the future. I was no longer going to accept what I deemed unacceptable.
It wasn't quite that simplistic, and there was lots of emotional pain, but those are the big things. There was no forgiving when I was trying to get from him something he was not willing or able to give, and there was no forgiveness when my life was unmanagable because of it. There was no forgiveness when I was trying to accept the unacceptable because my resentment and anger were overwhelming and would not go away because I felt 'trapped' but it was a trap of my own making. All I had to do was step out of it and walk away.
I still get upset, sad, and occasionally rant and rave. Life isn't perfect but forgiveness brought a release of the rage and resentment that were so suffocating for so many years.