i feel your pain.
I can feel it through reading your post..
A little tough love:
I WISH my RAH moved 2000 miles away.
I feel like it is sort of Gods plan that he went so far away. And now you can begin to pick up YOUR pieces.
I would start by not communicating with him except by email.
IF at all.
Then, each day, make a list of what you need to do, then wa\hat you want to do. Start trying to get in touch with happiness again somehow.
keep him out of your head for now. Let yourself come closer to the place where you can answer questions for yourself, not for him.
In relation to what you lost, what you let go, what you let happen in order to stay with him, this is what the 12 steps are about.
What you are describing sounds just like anaddict who p*ssed away money, opportunity and loving relationships while being drunk, and you kind of need to do the same work that you want from him.
Get on with getting your inner house in order, and then start thinking about how to re approach your daughter.
A lot of the energy that you are expending on wondering about and dealing with him, you could spend on healing your own issues, and getting to a place of clairty. Forgiveness doesn't come when we say, "now."
You are not ready to forgive him.
IMHO your work is really right there in yourself. Maybe start by forgiving YOUrself.
It sounds like you are beating your poor self up real bad.
Get into that. Start telling yourself that you can take steps to repair your relationship with yourself, then start looking at what you can do about the other things/people who were harmed while you were on a codependent bender.
I don't know the details of things with your daughter, but...you cannot change that TODAY.
You can change things in your immediate life, your inner life.
Be kind to yourself.