Jay, I think you are doing GREAT.
Seriously, dude, I know how hard this whole deal has been, but you are doing all the right stuff, and for the right reasons. As frustrated as you've been with the whole situation, I think it's great that you still have compassion for how this will impact your wife without letting it paralyze you into inaction. That's courage.
You aren't doing anything mean or vindictive--you are doing what has to be done. Your wife's response is up to her. You can't control it.
Keep on keepin' on--you are doing great.