T minus 5 days to custody hearing

Old 03-25-2011, 12:31 PM
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T minus 5 days to custody hearing

Well, after AW's binge last weekend I decided to step up my efforts a bit and got a referral to a new lawyer who could handle trial work. (The previous guy, while good, is approaching retirement and didn't want to sign his name to a court docket.) New lawyer ain't messin' around.

Ex parte hearing being scheduled for next Wednesday, asking for temporary order for full legal and physical custody, an order for her to vacate the house, monitored visitation, evaluation by an addiction expert, random drug screening...BAM drop the hammer, in other words.

And the codie in me that still loves her feels horrible about what's about to hit her, because I can't say anything. I forget which one is the "nice" one in Jeckyll and Hyde, but the nice one is living in the house right now (feeling guilty no doubt about the binging) and the sh*t's gonna hit the fan on Monday when her lawyer gets notice that a hearing is being scheduled for Wednesday.

Telling myself it's time to thicken up my skin and put one foot in front of the other. How is it that after everything that's happened over the past 2 years that I can somehow feel guilty for standing up and saying "no more"? I was retelling part of the story to the new lawyer about her involuntary psych hold because of being drunk and writing a suicide note to our son...and then I did the math. He was 3 months old. I've had my own counselor and psychiatrist tell me how impressed they are with how I've managed to keep it together through all this and I've always shrugged it off, but thinking about that moment I recognized a little bit of what they're talking about.

God, the whole thing just makes me feel crazy sometimes.
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Old 03-25-2011, 12:45 PM
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Jayscott...I want to give you a hug. Since I can't, would you feel silly giving yourself a hug, and telling yourself it comes from some Canadian mama somewhere?

Honestly, you've done ALL you can for your AH, and I'm gratified to see your Papa Bear instincts are coming out.

Yes, the ex parte is Wednesday, but your wife's lawyer is paid (by you?) to deal with such things. I work in a law firm and I can tell you that a lot of lawyers get a KICK out of the rush of last minute proceedings. Besides, they don't do all the work...they have junionrs, paralegals and assistants running around for them. Please don't worry about the opposing party's lawyer. IMO, he's fighting a losing battle since his client keeps screwing up.

Besides, your application for a temp custody order isn't mean to FOREVER remove custody from your AW. You simply want strict legal boundaries put in place to prevent her from harming your child. You are taking the next logical step considering her continued binging post rehab.

It is sad to have to take these measures but your AW has forced your hand. IMO, where children are concerned, you have to take out the big guns.

*hugs* to you!
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Old 03-25-2011, 01:04 PM
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Jayscott, I have been reading your posts, and I am glad to hear about the recent action you have taken.

You are a wonderful father, and you must protect your son from his mom at this time. You are so kind to care about what is about to happen to your AW, but as much as we love our As, we MUST love ourselves and our children more. We must. We are the only ones we can save.

Truth is, as you well know, that you have no choice. She will not stay "nice", the merry go round will keep turning, and you have to get off, and take your son off with you.

Stay strong, I am sending lots of positive energy your way.
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Old 03-25-2011, 01:44 PM
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Sending hugs for you and the little one, Jayscott. One quick hint: make and bring a note with you that you can keep right in front of you with what you really want (the monitored visitation, random testing, etc.), even though it seems like something that you wouldn't forget. I was so freaked out about being in the same room as XAH and then his GF that I did forget. A note would have been immeasurably helpful.

The judge and lawyer will probably ask as they go over the court order info if you have any questions or if there was anything else to be discussed. With the note in front of you, you can check off the items that have been covered and easily see if they've forgotten to address the random testing, or that they talked about the possibility but haven't yet set it out as a requirement....

It also helped me get over any guilt about having a lawyer hammer at XAH to remember the story about the scorpion and the frog crossing the river and to remember that XAH is a scorpion no matter how pathetic and sympathetic that he tried to appear.

Wishing you continued strength and peace.
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Old 03-25-2011, 05:06 PM
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Jay, I think you are doing GREAT.

Seriously, dude, I know how hard this whole deal has been, but you are doing all the right stuff, and for the right reasons. As frustrated as you've been with the whole situation, I think it's great that you still have compassion for how this will impact your wife without letting it paralyze you into inaction. That's courage.

You aren't doing anything mean or vindictive--you are doing what has to be done. Your wife's response is up to her. You can't control it.

Keep on keepin' on--you are doing great.
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Old 03-25-2011, 09:21 PM
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I once had to get an ex parte motion against my Ex to protect my child. Scary----but a critical step.

Thinking good thoughts in your direction. Hope you don't feel guilty about this.
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Old 03-26-2011, 01:12 AM
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You have terrific strength Jay. I admire what you are doing.

In a similar position though I have kind of stalled. I got the legal stuff in motion and held it over her. For now it seems to have created a holding pattern but not got me where I need to be just yet. When/If the time comes I will execute the rest of the process.

We worry about hurting our As with the legal actions. But as an added plus, it is likely this will help break your wifes denial and it may help her discover the consequences she needs to see in order to begin recovery for herself.

Keep strong.
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:39 AM
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Well done. And keep in mind she may counter attack with many groundless, and bold faced lies. She will most likely ask for ridiculous actions from you in order to get your eventual compromise closer to her position. It is often all about the compromise. Stick to your guns.

I really like the checklist idea. Definitely something to do, costs nothing, and has real practical application.

Since she is not working towards sobriety, she is still a wild card. She is still unaffected by the truth and lives a delusion. She can say the most outrageous things with total conviction because she actually believes them.

Be sure and keep your cool. Keep your mouth shut. Look straight ahead. Play your role to win at all costs with no compromise.

Best wishes.
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:19 AM
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Good luck, I certainly know what you are going through. I know states are different, but my lawyer was able to go before the judge and get me temp legal and physical custody order without me even being there. My wife had no idea until I showed her the order. Of course I have to let her see the kids a "resonable" amount of time, but typically if there is substance abuse I would think the judge would err on the safe side and give you custody until a hearing is set to sort it all out. Stay strong. My wife's lawyer finally responded to the petition and she is contesting everything. I know it's stressful, but my life has become much more manageable knowing that I am heading in the right direction. I just know in my heart one day everything will be OK. Keep up the good fight and know you are doing the right thing for yourself and your child. I will keep reading your posts to see how things go.
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