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You can hear from your post how much your hurting. I hope you will take to heart what everyone has been telling you. We have all been there and no it's not easy. If it was we wouldn't been on here. But only you can take responsibility for your own sobriety. Yes, it's takes a lot of fortitude to do what's necessay to overcome this. But you can do this. You just have to believe that.I was petrified to go to AA but when I took that first step everything else seemed to fall into place. You deserve to live life to its fullest. But you have to come to grips with your fears. There are people out there to help you.Just ask. Your in my thoughts and prayers. You CAN do this.Please keep posting. There's a lot of support here!