callie212

Things started to become very unmanageable for me in the last year or so and I found this board. I visit it almost everyday and I posted a while back and then just sort of stopped. It's been hard to concentrate on much since I feel so consumed with his drinking. I originally posted on the substance abuse forum but I think I'm better off here. His drinking is really the main problem since the drug use is under control (if its possible) or maybe the drinking just overpowers it so much its feels like nothing compared to it.

I'm going to try to post more often. I need to start a blog or journal to keep track of this mess since the courts are now involved. I am doing that soon...

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So I will give my update/summary. My ABF and I have been together for 13 years, since I was 18. I moved out of my parents house to move in with him. he was a pot head, but I never had a problem with it. I never did it or even cigarettes. I rarely drank, (My dad used to be an alcoholic which stopped after I had my son in 2004) and so did he at first, just socially with our friends. Soon after quitting pot he started doing coke. I never knew and a few months later his best friend told me and by then he was also smoking crack. He was starting to drink a lot and used it to cope with the ups and downs of being high or whatever he drank for…He went to rehab a total of 6 times through the years for crack/alcohol…but mostly crack as he always denied drinking too much. He tried AA for a while. He spent some time clean and sober but not enough. His longest was maybe a few months. I got pregnant in 2003 when I was 23 and had a boy in the spring of 2004.

He was doing well for a while and relapsing once every few months or so…not constant use. But it has taken its toll on our relationship. I resented him for selling my things, wrecking my car, stealing, lying, all these things addicts do. He decided to enter nursing school and went the entire fall semester and until spring break before relapsing. He had a 4.0 and was a star student. He returned to school after the spring break and just as school ended he shattered his knuckle trying out for a softball team. He had to have major surgery and he became instantly addicted to pain pills. Never touched crack once after that...at least he says and I pretty much believe that. He ended up seeing a pain therapist and got put on 20mg oxy 3x a day. His drinking got real bad that summer. Then he cheated on me for the first time. Things got bad but we got through it…well, because were still here--together...

He returned to school, still doing very well, but drinking often and taking his "prescription", mostly as prescribed. He often would end up selling half of it to friends and buying suboxoine on the street and taking 3x his prescribed dose the first week and being sick for a weekend then being on suboxoine until his refill…Or ultram in between since he gets that too from a different doc. This lasted until the last week of nursing school when he was a week from graduation and things finally caught up with him because he was kicked out of school for making a clinical mistake (nothing to do with the drugs/alcohol just his attitude). Then he really started drinking a lot…12-pack of ice beer a night at a minimum. sometimes a full fifth of capt morgans. Every night. He is mean, violent, and reckless. Then last fall he fell down the basement stairs in the middle of the night going for a smoke. He broke both his arms (severely shattered one wrist) and had a concussion. He ended up getting his pain doc to up his dose to 40mg 3x a day. He was out of work for 10 months because of the injuries (was a home health aid).

I finally got a restraining order in December and he was forced to move out. That's around my last post.

What about me during all this time? Well, I focused on work…did a great job excelling in all kinds of things there. Went back to school the fall of 2003 and found out I was pregnant in October (was 13 weeks already). I finished my 2-year degree in 3 years because I was part time for a while. I was working at my old job part time too. My parents watched the baby a lot. I did well at school and graduated with a 3.7 and got 2 scholarships. I transferred into a local state school and finished my bachelors in 2 years with a 3.9, while working full time on the student paper and working my job 20 hours a week. I won another award at the graduation ceremony. I am now in graduate school part time. I landed a job in my field almost double my salary at my job before I started school. I'm very proud of myself. But I shut everything out for years and at this point I can't do it anymore. I was up until 5am fighting many nights when I was in school then just went on my way the next day. I can't do it anymore. I can't just shut it out like I used to be able to.

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So we are up to when he left. It was good for a while. We talked a few times to arrange for him to see our son. He only was allowed supervised visitation so I had to find a time everyone could meet at his moms house--45 minutes away from my house. Then he came over on Christmas eve and stayed the night because--well, it was Christmas and we have a 6 year old…it was hard. And I missed him…or whatever. But he was living at a party house and a lot of drama, drinking and stuff was going on there.

There was a girl that was staying at the same house as him who was just turning 18. My ABF is 35. She was dating his friend (who's house it was). They broke up because he thought she cheated with him (my ABF, or maybe XABF then?)... He decided to move in with her into her younger 16 year old pregnant sisters house. I went to no contact with him around New Year's when that happened. After a week or so of him being there I found out about this girl and him being "together" since moving in together there and not "just friends" and I was so hurt/upset/angry/everything. I drove down there and told him I wanted him to come home. I don't know why I did that. I didn't want him home. I just didn't like him having sex with her. I convinced myself that I thought he has changed and would be sober if he came home. Looking back, I was just mad about her.

So I agreed that it was senseless to get mad at him for drinking, that I needed to get mad at his behavior. In other words, don't get mad as soon as I hear the can pop, wait until it has affected him. It only delayed the inevitable, but it helped me know that when he says our fighting is my fault because of me getting mad, I know its not. I agreed to let him smoke in the house, drink whenever he wanted as long as his behavior was acceptable then there wasn't a problem if he wanted a "few beers" I basically did whatever to get him to stay…stupid me.

We went to court in late Jan and I dropped the restraining order and agreed on joint custody…resides with me and mutual visitation schedule…and the family offense petition was put off until April 25 because I didn't want to drop it but also didn't want to make him mad and get him sent to jail/rehab. (The judge said that's the likely outcome unless I drop it).

In the past 2 months he agreed and said that he wanted to work on things. They got a lot better for a while. But he kept texting this young girl and it would start fights. He was asking her to send him naked pictures. He was going to see her for the first month, giving her rides places. Evenutally he brought her home (she ranaway at 17 and she was homeless and he took her home...now she's back with her mother and in high school where she belongs). Just 2 weeks ago I found a secret phone he had used just for her where they have been exchanging pictures and dirty messages since he brought her home to her mom. I found out from facebook that she has had a high school boyfriend for the last 2 months, so I told him and send him pics of the messages (not pictures, I took pics of the messages on his phone with my phone and emailed to him on Facebook.) Why do I care so much about some loser? I have no idea.

But now things are just worse. Our fights are physical. Two days after court he had maybe 4 or so beers in him and was supposed to get our son out of the bathtub. Next thing I hear is him screaming. He had my son standing in his towel while he sat on the toilet and was using some shears to cut some wet curls from around his ears. He missed and severely cut the top of his ear and refused to let me take him to the er…"Because he's a nurse n-all and knows what he's doing…and is soooo offended that I would undermine him". Later that night after he was put to bed we were still arguing about it and he grabbed me and held his hand over my nose and mouth for about 20 seconds.

He broke my finger slamming me against the door last week. I wont lie that when he does this I have defended myself, like when I was pinned up against the door and my finger was throbbing I bit him in the chest to get him off me. I have been missing work. He comes into my room at night when he's drunk and gets on top of me and holds me down. Last time this happened like 4 or 5 times in one night and when he leaned up to sort of sit on my legs, I was able to squeeze my foot up and push him off me and he just went tumbling with only a little force. He couldn't hold his balance he was so wasted.

The police were at the house Friday night because I told him if he didn't stay away from me or back down I would call 911, in which he laughed and asked to dial for me. So when I called he got wicked upset and "couldn't believe I would do that to him". They have been at my house probably 12 times in the last year. This was the only time they made him leave for the night…He was so mad when he knew they were coming that he punched the kitchen counter and broke his hand…only to show the police he broke his hand foolishly admitting that he clearly wasn't in control of himself and was punching things. Then he came back Sat evening and begged that he was going to quit and if I changed my mind by Monday morning I could drop him off somewhere…whatever…he stayed sober for a day and half but Monday night drank again (because Mon morn I forced him to go to the er for his hand, basically I told him that it was Monday and I didn't change my mind but I'd be happy to take him to get his hand looked at instead) and we fought and he dumped his beer all over me.

When he gets mad that I yell or too much, he pins me down and puts his mouth to my ear and screams on the top of his lungs. It really hurts my ear bad for more than a day and Monday he did this in front of my son. Usually these fights don't happen when he's home or awake. Like only when my mom has him or the middle of the night. So I really think he is in total control of what he is doing because he can fake it when he wants to. I called his friend Monday night after he poured the beer all over me, who's house he was at last Friday, to beg for him to come get him and he said he couldn't stay there and then his friend called 911. The police showed up after I went to bed and he had calmed down and he told him everything was fine so they left. He has been sober since then…2 days (a record in the last 6 months)…but I suspect he will drink again tonight because he has been texting rude things to me all day. He typically drinks 2 or 3 four loco (24% alcohol, 24oz fruity drinks) then a 6 pack of 16 oz ice beers…He usually has the engery drinks down within a few hours of waking up, or by about 5 or 6pm when I get home.

I'm just right back where I was before and now its worse. He won't leave nor can I make him. I don't have anywhere to go. Moving anywhere will only make things worse for me at work because if I go anywhere it will be near the city which is a 25 minute drive and then I'd have to drive him to school everyday. I'm already in trouble at work for being late too much.

Argh…but my lease is up in 2 weeks. He is gone even if he is perfect everyday from now until then. I'm having it extended through the school year without his name on it and then I will either renew it alone or move to a smaller place in June. I am trying to keep up at work and keep up in my class. I'm also teaching an undergraduate class for the next few weeks as a graduate assistantship that I don't need to mess up. We get along fine when he's not drinking, not perfect, but like a normal couple who have been together this long. I have forgiven him for a lot from the past and truly let go a lot of it, but he just calls me names and gets angry and instigates these fights when he's drinking until I get so pissed then he pretends its all my fault for being mad. If I engage in it it goes all night back and forth…if I go to my room and hide he keeps coming in and messing with me and gets more and more aggressive until I engage in the fight. I have to block this out and be able to keep him at bay long enough…I'm going to try to post often. It has helped a lot just to type this, even if no body reads it.