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Old 03-23-2011, 11:51 AM
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Haven't posted in a while…so here is a book :)

Things started to become very unmanageable for me in the last year or so and I found this board. I visit it almost everyday and I posted a while back and then just sort of stopped. It's been hard to concentrate on much since I feel so consumed with his drinking. I originally posted on the substance abuse forum but I think I'm better off here. His drinking is really the main problem since the drug use is under control (if its possible) or maybe the drinking just overpowers it so much its feels like nothing compared to it.

I'm going to try to post more often. I need to start a blog or journal to keep track of this mess since the courts are now involved. I am doing that soon...

----

So I will give my update/summary. My ABF and I have been together for 13 years, since I was 18. I moved out of my parents house to move in with him. he was a pot head, but I never had a problem with it. I never did it or even cigarettes. I rarely drank, (My dad used to be an alcoholic which stopped after I had my son in 2004) and so did he at first, just socially with our friends. Soon after quitting pot he started doing coke. I never knew and a few months later his best friend told me and by then he was also smoking crack. He was starting to drink a lot and used it to cope with the ups and downs of being high or whatever he drank for…He went to rehab a total of 6 times through the years for crack/alcohol…but mostly crack as he always denied drinking too much. He tried AA for a while. He spent some time clean and sober but not enough. His longest was maybe a few months. I got pregnant in 2003 when I was 23 and had a boy in the spring of 2004.

He was doing well for a while and relapsing once every few months or so…not constant use. But it has taken its toll on our relationship. I resented him for selling my things, wrecking my car, stealing, lying, all these things addicts do. He decided to enter nursing school and went the entire fall semester and until spring break before relapsing. He had a 4.0 and was a star student. He returned to school after the spring break and just as school ended he shattered his knuckle trying out for a softball team. He had to have major surgery and he became instantly addicted to pain pills. Never touched crack once after that...at least he says and I pretty much believe that. He ended up seeing a pain therapist and got put on 20mg oxy 3x a day. His drinking got real bad that summer. Then he cheated on me for the first time. Things got bad but we got through it…well, because were still here--together...

He returned to school, still doing very well, but drinking often and taking his "prescription", mostly as prescribed. He often would end up selling half of it to friends and buying suboxoine on the street and taking 3x his prescribed dose the first week and being sick for a weekend then being on suboxoine until his refill…Or ultram in between since he gets that too from a different doc. This lasted until the last week of nursing school when he was a week from graduation and things finally caught up with him because he was kicked out of school for making a clinical mistake (nothing to do with the drugs/alcohol just his attitude). Then he really started drinking a lot…12-pack of ice beer a night at a minimum. sometimes a full fifth of capt morgans. Every night. He is mean, violent, and reckless. Then last fall he fell down the basement stairs in the middle of the night going for a smoke. He broke both his arms (severely shattered one wrist) and had a concussion. He ended up getting his pain doc to up his dose to 40mg 3x a day. He was out of work for 10 months because of the injuries (was a home health aid).

I finally got a restraining order in December and he was forced to move out. That's around my last post.

What about me during all this time? Well, I focused on work…did a great job excelling in all kinds of things there. Went back to school the fall of 2003 and found out I was pregnant in October (was 13 weeks already). I finished my 2-year degree in 3 years because I was part time for a while. I was working at my old job part time too. My parents watched the baby a lot. I did well at school and graduated with a 3.7 and got 2 scholarships. I transferred into a local state school and finished my bachelors in 2 years with a 3.9, while working full time on the student paper and working my job 20 hours a week. I won another award at the graduation ceremony. I am now in graduate school part time. I landed a job in my field almost double my salary at my job before I started school. I'm very proud of myself. But I shut everything out for years and at this point I can't do it anymore. I was up until 5am fighting many nights when I was in school then just went on my way the next day. I can't do it anymore. I can't just shut it out like I used to be able to.

----

So we are up to when he left. It was good for a while. We talked a few times to arrange for him to see our son. He only was allowed supervised visitation so I had to find a time everyone could meet at his moms house--45 minutes away from my house. Then he came over on Christmas eve and stayed the night because--well, it was Christmas and we have a 6 year old…it was hard. And I missed him…or whatever. But he was living at a party house and a lot of drama, drinking and stuff was going on there.

There was a girl that was staying at the same house as him who was just turning 18. My ABF is 35. She was dating his friend (who's house it was). They broke up because he thought she cheated with him (my ABF, or maybe XABF then?)... He decided to move in with her into her younger 16 year old pregnant sisters house. I went to no contact with him around New Year's when that happened. After a week or so of him being there I found out about this girl and him being "together" since moving in together there and not "just friends" and I was so hurt/upset/angry/everything. I drove down there and told him I wanted him to come home. I don't know why I did that. I didn't want him home. I just didn't like him having sex with her. I convinced myself that I thought he has changed and would be sober if he came home. Looking back, I was just mad about her.

So I agreed that it was senseless to get mad at him for drinking, that I needed to get mad at his behavior. In other words, don't get mad as soon as I hear the can pop, wait until it has affected him. It only delayed the inevitable, but it helped me know that when he says our fighting is my fault because of me getting mad, I know its not. I agreed to let him smoke in the house, drink whenever he wanted as long as his behavior was acceptable then there wasn't a problem if he wanted a "few beers" I basically did whatever to get him to stay…stupid me.

We went to court in late Jan and I dropped the restraining order and agreed on joint custody…resides with me and mutual visitation schedule…and the family offense petition was put off until April 25 because I didn't want to drop it but also didn't want to make him mad and get him sent to jail/rehab. (The judge said that's the likely outcome unless I drop it).

In the past 2 months he agreed and said that he wanted to work on things. They got a lot better for a while. But he kept texting this young girl and it would start fights. He was asking her to send him naked pictures. He was going to see her for the first month, giving her rides places. Evenutally he brought her home (she ranaway at 17 and she was homeless and he took her home...now she's back with her mother and in high school where she belongs). Just 2 weeks ago I found a secret phone he had used just for her where they have been exchanging pictures and dirty messages since he brought her home to her mom. I found out from facebook that she has had a high school boyfriend for the last 2 months, so I told him and send him pics of the messages (not pictures, I took pics of the messages on his phone with my phone and emailed to him on Facebook.) Why do I care so much about some loser? I have no idea.

But now things are just worse. Our fights are physical. Two days after court he had maybe 4 or so beers in him and was supposed to get our son out of the bathtub. Next thing I hear is him screaming. He had my son standing in his towel while he sat on the toilet and was using some shears to cut some wet curls from around his ears. He missed and severely cut the top of his ear and refused to let me take him to the er…"Because he's a nurse n-all and knows what he's doing…and is soooo offended that I would undermine him". Later that night after he was put to bed we were still arguing about it and he grabbed me and held his hand over my nose and mouth for about 20 seconds.

He broke my finger slamming me against the door last week. I wont lie that when he does this I have defended myself, like when I was pinned up against the door and my finger was throbbing I bit him in the chest to get him off me. I have been missing work. He comes into my room at night when he's drunk and gets on top of me and holds me down. Last time this happened like 4 or 5 times in one night and when he leaned up to sort of sit on my legs, I was able to squeeze my foot up and push him off me and he just went tumbling with only a little force. He couldn't hold his balance he was so wasted.

The police were at the house Friday night because I told him if he didn't stay away from me or back down I would call 911, in which he laughed and asked to dial for me. So when I called he got wicked upset and "couldn't believe I would do that to him". They have been at my house probably 12 times in the last year. This was the only time they made him leave for the night…He was so mad when he knew they were coming that he punched the kitchen counter and broke his hand…only to show the police he broke his hand foolishly admitting that he clearly wasn't in control of himself and was punching things. Then he came back Sat evening and begged that he was going to quit and if I changed my mind by Monday morning I could drop him off somewhere…whatever…he stayed sober for a day and half but Monday night drank again (because Mon morn I forced him to go to the er for his hand, basically I told him that it was Monday and I didn't change my mind but I'd be happy to take him to get his hand looked at instead) and we fought and he dumped his beer all over me.

When he gets mad that I yell or too much, he pins me down and puts his mouth to my ear and screams on the top of his lungs. It really hurts my ear bad for more than a day and Monday he did this in front of my son. Usually these fights don't happen when he's home or awake. Like only when my mom has him or the middle of the night. So I really think he is in total control of what he is doing because he can fake it when he wants to. I called his friend Monday night after he poured the beer all over me, who's house he was at last Friday, to beg for him to come get him and he said he couldn't stay there and then his friend called 911. The police showed up after I went to bed and he had calmed down and he told him everything was fine so they left. He has been sober since then…2 days (a record in the last 6 months)…but I suspect he will drink again tonight because he has been texting rude things to me all day. He typically drinks 2 or 3 four loco (24% alcohol, 24oz fruity drinks) then a 6 pack of 16 oz ice beers…He usually has the engery drinks down within a few hours of waking up, or by about 5 or 6pm when I get home.

I'm just right back where I was before and now its worse. He won't leave nor can I make him. I don't have anywhere to go. Moving anywhere will only make things worse for me at work because if I go anywhere it will be near the city which is a 25 minute drive and then I'd have to drive him to school everyday. I'm already in trouble at work for being late too much.

Argh…but my lease is up in 2 weeks. He is gone even if he is perfect everyday from now until then. I'm having it extended through the school year without his name on it and then I will either renew it alone or move to a smaller place in June. I am trying to keep up at work and keep up in my class. I'm also teaching an undergraduate class for the next few weeks as a graduate assistantship that I don't need to mess up. We get along fine when he's not drinking, not perfect, but like a normal couple who have been together this long. I have forgiven him for a lot from the past and truly let go a lot of it, but he just calls me names and gets angry and instigates these fights when he's drinking until I get so pissed then he pretends its all my fault for being mad. If I engage in it it goes all night back and forth…if I go to my room and hide he keeps coming in and messing with me and gets more and more aggressive until I engage in the fight. I have to block this out and be able to keep him at bay long enough…I'm going to try to post often. It has helped a lot just to type this, even if no body reads it.
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Old 03-23-2011, 12:32 PM
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You're not alone, callie...


I would agree that he is absolutely abusive.
You might want to check out the links here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Have you ever called a Domestic Abuse hotline? They can help you work through things, figure out emergency plans, escape plans, and simply validate that no, you're not crazy.

Originally Posted by ICU View Post
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)


By state:
United States DV Resources by State
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
It is good that you are working on your options right now, it is important to look out for your health and safety, as well as the health and safety of your son.
The way you described it, I would say he is escalating... Take care of yourself, explore your options, that way when the time comes, you'll know what you need to do.


You are not alone, and you're not crazy.
You are working towards a brighter future, for yourself and your son, and that can never be the wrong thing to do.
Baby steps. One thing at a time, you can do this.
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Old 03-23-2011, 01:22 PM
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We are here, we are reading. You are right:this is abuse. You are wise to prepare to leave him. ((((hugs))))
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Old 03-23-2011, 01:25 PM
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Oh god this sounds trully awfull,and i know exactly how this abusive behavior feels and also dropping restraining orders and injunctions and then feeling even worse because you might have to go back and ask for another one,because you never trusted your instincts the first time. I really feel for you,and i dont know how to give you advice,im sure you already know what you need to do,but im just saying you are not alone,i have been there like many others.



XX GHIRLXX
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Old 03-23-2011, 01:32 PM
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o.m.g. what a horrible situation to be in.

Please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and see if they can give you some local ressources. I'd also ask them to refer you to a shelter. You are being abused and things seem to be escalating.

Please keep us posted on your situation. We're here for you. You are not alone.
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Old 03-23-2011, 01:38 PM
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This is abuse. You do not need him.

It sounds like you are doing really great with your education and job despite him. Congratulations on that.
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Old 03-23-2011, 02:34 PM
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callie,

can you let us know what's going on now? are you safe, and your son?

these things can escalate very quickly, if and when he feels he is losing control.

i hope you write to say you are taking some kind of action
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Old 03-23-2011, 02:43 PM
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hi (((callie)))

I read this earlier this afternoon,
and was so upset I was afraid to post
until I'd gotten myself under control...

I'm worried for you too girl.

If you call the domestic numbers
they aren't going to treat you any different
than if you were calling for the first time.

It's time to get outa there, hon.

There's nothing you need
nothing you need to wait for
that is more important than your safety.

As soon as he thought he'd 'won'
he started right back in again.

This will never end.
I think you may see that now.

I hope you'll call the hotline
and get out asap.

Get stuff later.
Get safe first.

No job no clothes no money no roof matters
when you're not safe.
Get that first.

hugs and prayers
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:01 PM
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I have been home for about an hour. I had to stop at the store and get some cat litter and cold medicine. He was texting me like crazy drilling me with stupid questions, like the kind when he's drinking so I suspect he had been drinking earlier--and probably has run out of alcohol by now.

Things are okay right now though. DS is in bed sleeping, as he is sick, and ABF is in bed under the covers, but not asleep. He claims to be sick too. He will probably fall asleep too soon. I only went in there to see if he was sleeping and to be nice and offer him a drink/sandwich and to kindly remind him to take his trazadone (puts him to sleep and keeps him sleeping). Hopefully he will stay asleep because I have work to do tonight for school. If he gets up I will attempt to go to bed and set my alarm to get up at 5am to get my stuff done before work. If he is still up at 5, then I will take my son to my moms house and go to work very early. Since I work on the same campus that I go to school, I can use a computer lab if the office is still locked.

That is my plan for today. Tomorrow I will think about tomorrow.
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:15 PM
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I second the urging to call for some DV assistance. You need a safety plan. You and your son need to be out of this situation before it escalates (which is likely to happen when you try to kick him out). It has to be done CAREFULLY because you are at greatest risk when you try to separate.

PLEASE call and at least get some advice from the experts. I worked in the DV field for many years, and you and your son are in great danger.
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:25 PM
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Ok, but if I call, it won't be done while I'm here, even if I think he's sleeping. I might call tomorrow while at work and can go out into my car or somewhere and see what they say. He knows that I don't plan on putting him on the lease renewal for Apr 1st. That's what started the fight on Friday when he had to leave.

I just went and checked on him after my last post and he is restless saying his legs hurt and his whole body. He is in withdrawal from something. Probably the pills, unless I'm wrong and he wasn't drinking today, then its alcohol. But his script for oxy ran out last week and he had 20 5mg hydros Monday from the ER and they are gone so I'm sure it is pill withdrawal. So I doubt he will mess with me tonight. This happens once a month like clockwork where he is in bed for 2 days sick when his script runs out and he has to adjust to taking something else. He's whining real bad in there though. And snoring in between whines. I'd shut his door but we only have a wood stove in here and it will get real cold and then I'd have him wake up yelling at me for making it cold in there...

DS's room has electric heat so that's on tonight and his door is closed. Were getting a small storm right now, the roads were bad on my way home.
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:32 PM
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That's a good idea--be very careful what information you allow to "leak". Be especially careful with your computer habits, too--clear your browser's history and cache when you log off.

I know someone who kept the phone numbers for the DV hotline in her pocketbook--her husband went through her purse while she was in the shower and he brutally attacked her when she came out.
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:51 PM
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I have it set to clear everytime I quit my browser. Just because he always tries to spy on me, not because I do anything wrong. I'd rather there not be anything there for him to twist into something its not. He's not very computer savvy and I am. In fact, I'll probably just put that 800 number in my phone as Bank of America right now. He'd never call or question that. And I know their number by heart so it's not in there currently.
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Old 03-23-2011, 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
This is abuse. You do not need him.

It sounds like you are doing really great with your education and job despite him. Congratulations on that.
I have no idea how I was able to do that...except that maybe I just blocked it out and/or it gave me the strength I needed to do it because I knew that I had to exceed in order to make something of myself. But it is a little soon to say that. I got an incomplete last semester and I'm way behind this semester. I don't know why I was even offered this assistanship. I'm definitely not doing well at work, my attendance has been very bad in the last few months and my turnaround on my work has been horrible because I have had tremendous trouble concentrating. I counted 26 text messages from him while I was at work, and 38 total counting when I was at the store and driving home. Each and every one I either asked him to stop texting me or simply responded to his question without causing him the need to respond back to me again. He just had new stuff to bug me about. That adds up to a lot of lost time at work.

So I did well for a while but I'm having a lot of trouble being able to continue doing that.
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Old 03-24-2011, 06:37 AM
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Callie,
Reading your story broke my heart, not because I feel badly for your situation....but because so much of what you describe I can relate to. While reading it, I thought "how can anyone put up with this crap?" then I remembered "I do the same thing" over and over again.......
The ongoing physical fighting, the screaming, the stalking text messages, the inability to concentrate at work, smashing counters/doors/windows...ect. even the part about him pouring beer all over you... all of this struck close to my situation with my AH.

I understand that you do not want to see him hurting, so you took him to the ER for his hand, I would have as well.... although in the back of mind I would be thinking "suffer you SOB"... But I have done it so many times.... He threw me thru a folding table (much like a WWE event) and then jumped on top of my, so I kicked him off of me... he stumbled back and got a concussion. The cops came he got arrested... The Next day I hated him so much yet I went to the police station and picked him up, and took him to the ER to get checked out. I needed the ER and a mental evaluation at that point not him. But I put my needs last, WHY do we do that ?

Why do we put our needs and wants second to the A's in our life ?
This is certainly not out of love.

I guess I am not much help here since I am trying to figure this all out, but since I wrote all this several times and deleted it several times I am just going to post it :-)
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Old 03-24-2011, 07:07 AM
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That is abusive and may cause permanent damage to your hearing. (I sincerely hope it doesn't.)

Get some help, fast!
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Old 03-24-2011, 07:31 AM
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Your bf abused your son and abuses you. Cutting his son's ear and not letting you take him to the er is insane. Your poor son. And the things you describe that he's done to you... oh my gosh-- my heart breaks for you.

Please please call a dv hotline and get a restraining order and get away from him. I really truly know the feeling of taking someone back and wanting someone back for the wrong reasons... You are wise to know that about yourself and brave to be able to see and say it aloud...

I am so sorry for all you are going through and for all that has happened to you and your kids.
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Old 03-24-2011, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by callie212 View Post
I have no idea how I was able to do that...except that maybe I just blocked it out and/or it gave me the strength I needed to do it because I knew that I had to exceed in order to make something of myself. But it is a little soon to say that. I got an incomplete last semester and I'm way behind this semester. I don't know why I was even offered this assistanship. I'm definitely not doing well at work, my attendance has been very bad in the last few months and my turnaround on my work has been horrible because I have had tremendous trouble concentrating. I counted 26 text messages from him while I was at work, and 38 total counting when I was at the store and driving home. Each and every one I either asked him to stop texting me or simply responded to his question without causing him the need to respond back to me again. He just had new stuff to bug me about. That adds up to a lot of lost time at work.

So I did well for a while but I'm having a lot of trouble being able to continue doing that.
Oh, girl, this is so hard. I had a terrible time getting through school, too, and sometimes I just had to let one class go in order to save the rest. Don't let the incomplete or failing grades get to you. Keep plugging away. It's the cumulative grade that matters in the end.
:ghug3

I always comforted myself knowing that I was working towards a place where I could support myself, and I knew he's still be kicking around the same old places long after I was gone. And he is.
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Old 03-24-2011, 10:41 AM
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I ended up going to bed last night without doing any work. He got up and started bothering me. Not really abusive or angry, just annoying.

At 8:30 he told me American Idol was on. I turned it on and commented something about missing half of it but glad to catch the ending. Obviously at 9:03 when it was still on I realized that it was a 2 hour show and happy that I only missed a small portion rather than half. I was going to finish it and then work a bit setting up the lecture for class the next day.

He came out of the bedroom at 9:45 and started an argument about how I was wrong that I missed half the show...as if there was something to argue about. I told him that I was mistaken and thought it was only an hour, and he just went on talking about how stupid I am...blah, blah, I don't even remember. I could smell the fruity drink on him so I knew he was drinking for sure now. I asked him why he was in the living room and he said "to see you". I just got up and said I was going to bed. On my way there, I stopped in the office to turn the computer off he commented:

"I thought you were going to bed"
"I am, I just had to turn this off first"

Then I stopped to go to the bathroom.

"I thought you were going to bed"
"I am"

Then I grabbed DS lunchbox off the counter and put the cooler pack in the freezer, same thing,

"I thought you were going to bed"

I didn't respond. I went in his room (I have been sleeping in the guest room) and there was an empty energy four loco on the floor that wasn't in there earlier that night...hmmm, I guess that's why he felt better. He must have stashed it and decided to drink it since he was so restless. Don't ask me how he even tried to go to bed if he still had another drink somewhere. I just left it on the floor and went to bed. Ten minutes later he turned off the TV and lights and went in his room. I was up most of the night unable to sleep, but he didn't come in the room once. I got up a couple times and he was laying in bed wiggling around with the covers all tangled.

I had my alarm set for 4:30 and he was still awake, in bed. Or semi-awake. He didn't see me. I went back to bed until about 5:30 when DS got up and I put cartoons on for him and I just stayed in my room until 7:00 when I started getting him ready for school. I got to work about 9:00 and threw my 10:00 presentation together in an hour. Thank god I work well under pressure!
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barb dwyer (03-24-2011)
Old 03-24-2011, 04:25 PM
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Everyone has given you great advice. I usually step away from DV posts because of what it triggers in me (a child who grew up in a dv house).

But you are very smart and clearly have goals to better your life so I wanted to respond.....

Something I tell the mom's I work with who are in your situation is that (at least here in California) if two adults are fighting (even just yelling) is considered child abuse by CPS-- because of what kids like me saw and how it affects us the rest of our lives, there is validity to the reasoning behind this.

I wasn't clear if he cut your son's ear or his own? If it was your son's and he didn't allow you to take him to the ER, that is a very serious thing as well.

I have worked with mom's who have been doubly traumatized: first by the abuse, then by the possibility that they can have a situation with CPS.

I know it is horrible to think about but I can tell you as a child who witnessed things, please please have a plan to keep yourself and your child safe.
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