You're not a failure
Codie traits are learned and developed as coping mechanisms, in the absence of healthy coping skills. We don't know we need coping skills until we do, and then we end up relying on what we know. It's a vicious cycle but, now that you have awareness, it's a cycle you're able to break.
Please take it easy on yourself. You're grieving and possibly dealing with PTSD. It's going to take time to get it all sorted out but please remember you are very much worth it. Your life is waiting for you to claim it, and there's no reason why you can't create a happily ever after