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I want to tell you my story

Old 03-22-2011, 02:28 PM
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I want to tell you my story

I am 34 years, of moderate education, have no children and just left my husband after only just four years of being together. I know I am one of the lucky ones, but I still cannot get over the feeling of loss, betrayal and deep pain that the person who was supposed to care about me the Most and protect me the Most ended up hurting and manipulating me in ways that I didn’t even resemble myself. Now I am at my parents’ house completely broke and jobless with my life and my things in a different city with a man who broke me down spiritually and didn’t work for a bit of it but still has somehow divested me of all of it. I am left powerless and alone with our collective dreams completely shattered and betrayed by addiction.
I say addiction and not alcoholism, because when one is so deep down as my husband is it doesn’t matter if the escape from reality is alcohol, cocaine, weed, sex or movies – he would use any of these and anything else in his power to ignore the unsettling truth and feel somehow that he was the master of his own reality.
I left him one month ago after a four-day binge. I went out to see a friend, which was a once a month if not once every other month occurrence since coming home without him was always an anxiety-producing situation. Sure enough, I came home and he was out on the street with our dog asking for some money for a beer.
“No,” I said.
“But you’ve been drinking, too. I can see it. What is one beer going to do? Last beer of the night...”
And he was right. I had already drunk that night. And there is something that happens when you’ve fought over the same things over and over again, when the terror of sleepless nights filled with screaming and threats and your worst fears thrown back at you. When these things become too much and you will do anything – Anything to avoid the exhaustion, the fear, the tension – it is then that you begin to give in. You begin to say “Ah, but if I give him this, he won’t scream at me,” and when that doesn’t work, you at least say “Well, maybe if I give him more, he’ll pass out so I won’t have to deal with him.” Because those were the things I would pray for on those nights. So, I handed him a ten-dollar bill actually still thinking that he was buying himself only one and, of course, he was true to his word – one beer… for Me, three for himself. So, that was the start of the end. The rest of the money that he used to keep himself drunk and high for the rest of that night and the next three days – I have no idea, but he was relentless. He was drunk and high and playing loud music at five in the morning, banging down the bedroom down where I’d locked myself in for some quiet, using private, intimate conversations we’d had as a way to get in and insult me some more. He had no idea that I had reached my limit and had called my family and just gave up. My 72-year-old father come to pick me up and take me back like a small child on a school trip. I know I am lucky to have a family who will do such things for me because, lord knows, I had not a penny to my name. If they hadn’t been able to do that for me, I would still be with my husband, struggling through sleepless, terrorized nights and wading through a mountain of debt.
I’ve stepped over broken mirrors, piles of vomit and his passed out form. I’ve given in to sex acts that were demeaning and painful just to keep him from screaming at me (“Maybe after he’s spent, he’ll pass out/be loving toward me/ leave me alone,”). I stopped talking to friends because I knew if I told them any of my story, they would ask me to leave – and then what would they think of me if I wasn’t able to? And all of this is set atop the dreams and aspirations of any normal person. Wanting to interact with society, wanting to reach my personal goals, wanting to make friends and discover new things, maybe take up a hobby… have children – all of these things that are the normal thoughts and ideas were simply impossible to consider when I had a man at home that wasn’t even a man, just a virus, an entity that existed only to feed his own addictions, like the zombie movies I used to laugh at as a teenager.
Lately, I’ve been forcing myself to remember the human that is trapped inside the addict, my husband. I try to remember all the things we talked about and all the plans we made so I won’t feel so crazy for having married him or stayed with him. I don’t know if that’s a good policy or a bad one. I sincerely miss that person and wish I could find him again. We were supposed to take over the world, you know. But so much of me feels that that person is lost and what is left in his place I can’t trust anyway. He may look the same, but it will only be a moment before the addict tries again to manipulate me into giving him money, or working to support him, or cleaning and cooking, or having sex or any of the tools the addict uses to avoid reality.
And maybe that is another key to our relationship. He convinced me that maybe we could create our own reality and that would be just as real if not realer than the truth; that we could control our destiny without working for it. How tempting.
“Really?” I said.
“Yes, you’re stressing too hard. Just relax and watch this movie,” Or “Just relax and drink this beer,” Or “Just relax and wait until the next bill comes, they won’t cut us off…”
What a tempting fantasy. To not have to work and yet have everything provided for. And I suppose in the beginning, it almost worked. We worked just enough. Opportunities seemed to come in and save us at the last minute. We were doing okay. But we were always on the edge of crisis. Our fantasy stopped being fun and just ended up being stressful. So, our combined fantasy turned into his solo fantasy, where I was the provider, protector and giver of all things fantastic. And I made demands.
“Stop drinking!” I said.
…And sometimes he would stop, for a couple of weeks, maybe a month. And he’d say, “It’s not working, I’m not any happier. Our life isn’t any better.”
What an addict.
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:19 PM
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Lately, I’ve been forcing myself to remember the human that is trapped inside the addict, my husband. I try to remember all the things we talked about and all the plans we made so I won’t feel so crazy for having married him or stayed with him. I don’t know if that’s a good policy or a bad one. I sincerely miss that person and wish I could find him again.
It's a good policy if it allows you to find compassion and forgiveness. It's a bad policy if it opens the door to compromising your integrity, well being, even one more time.

The person he was is how he came to be the person he is

Have you considered Alanon or other self help recovery groups? Private therapy? Your life has been torn apart and there are many resources out there, able to help you put the pieces back together again.
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:42 PM
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Angry

Yah, I have a therapist. I think, for some reason, one month later, it's feeling particularly bad. One session a week. Sheesh. I guess I'm hitting these boards pretty hard today, but I woke up feeling so rotten and consumed by this, that I just had to get it out.
The first week I just was a zombie, walking, crying, sleeping. I think I was just relieved to be out. The second week I was frenzied - making plans, trying to get things done, things I hadn't done in these four years. I just don't want to be such a failure as I have been up til now. Ridiculous. I am a complete co-dependent.
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:08 PM
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You're not a failure

Codie traits are learned and developed as coping mechanisms, in the absence of healthy coping skills. We don't know we need coping skills until we do, and then we end up relying on what we know. It's a vicious cycle but, now that you have awareness, it's a cycle you're able to break.

Please take it easy on yourself. You're grieving and possibly dealing with PTSD. It's going to take time to get it all sorted out but please remember you are very much worth it. Your life is waiting for you to claim it, and there's no reason why you can't create a happily ever after
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:10 PM
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Rece, it takes time to work through the pain of losing your dreams and your home and the person you used to love who is no longer that person. Grief is normal, so is anger and deep sadness and fear. A wise lady here once told me that the only way to get through the pain is to stare it square in the face and walk through it.

It takes time, but healing comes eventually, and with healing comes new dreams and a wonderful feeling of being alive...a feeling that you haven't had for a long time, I am guessing.

Meetings have helped many of us find our balance again and a better way of living. Yes it takes work, but it's the best time investment I ever made on myself and probably saved my life.

Things will get better, they always do even though it doesn't seem so today.

Take time to grieve, but take time to breath too and take care of you.

One day at a time you can change your life and start living in the light again.

Hugs
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:36 PM
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RECF
You have been through a war. But you are now in the embrace of your loving family and that's just what you need right now.

Breathe. Everything doesn't have to get better all at once. It'll take time to undo what has been done over four years......after all.....it has only been a month. Give yourself some time to heal.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to counseling. I have done that myself many times during difficult periods in my life. It has helped.

Self-care is so very important and you are now in an environment where you can concentrate on caring for the most important person in your life.......you.

This is the beginning of getting your life straightened out. You've done the tough part by leaving him. Now you can take care of you without his distractions.

Welcome to SR......this is a great forum with a lot of people who have been in similar situations. We are here to offer our strength to you when you feel that you have none. We are here so that you know that you are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:38 PM
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RECF..your not a failure!! Im 51 and currently going through a divorce from my AH of 26 years,26 years of living what I thought was going to be a dream forever, the love of my life, a person who was loyal,honest,caring,strong until addiction entered in his life and mine, but I kept thinking through thick and thin right? .well it got too thick, so thick that I didnt see daylight, I was in a dark scary hole from living with addiction.
I feel your pain, I walked the exact path your walking today, but its been now
a little more than a year since we seperated and I can say I see the light.
however, it took work, it took support on here,meetings and therapy. it took
me to open up, it took me to come out from under my shell..YOU can do it,
YOU will make it, YOU will get through this..just remember you cant move forward looking in the rearview mirror and remind yourself (which I still do) what it was like living with him, do you really want to go there again? can it get any worse for you now that your on your own?
be thankful, thankful for your family,friends and people like us who are there for you, be thankful your out of that situation, be thankful your healthy and young and have a chance to live a happy and peaceful life.
dont give up hope on yourself, dont beat yourself up (I know how that goes all too well)..remember the 3'c!!
stay strong, we are all here for you
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:09 PM
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What people do not realize is that in addition to tangible addictions, like alcohol and the like, we also get addicted to behaviors. I read a book recommended by a therapist and it made me see this...believe me, it took a lot of thinking a after reading this comment, behaviors of a loved one are addicting too. The book is Women Who Love too Much. This book is as good for men as for women. My relationship with my ex was like a hurricane. I got out, thank God. This book helped a lot! Good luck! L
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:47 PM
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Oh goodness! Hugs :,(
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:06 PM
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This post is from over 2 years ago.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by needingabreak View Post
This post is from over 2 years ago.

Not much about this site has any type of expiration date, nor is there a need for such a thing, in my opinion. I have no idea where RECF is now, but I am thankful that I read this thread today.
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Old 10-02-2013, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by MiSoberbio View Post

Not much about this site has any type of expiration date, nor is there a need for such a thing, in my opinion. I have no idea where RECF is now, but I am thankful that I read this thread today.
I agree- I needed to see this yesterday also, the message of hope. A little backstory on me- I was diagnosed within aggressive form of breast cancer in 2010 at age 34. At the time my daughters were 9 and 1 and 1/2. 2 months after my diagnosis, while she was helping my husband care for me after my double mastectomy and first few rounds of chemo, my mother was also diagnosed with breast cancer. We actually say side by side in the infusion room and got my last few and her first few chemo treatments together. "HOPE" was all I had. Hope is powerful, and in my case it is never ending.
Hope is the reason why, after two years of no contact with my crack and heroin addicted brother, I joined this site yesterday for support and understanding, and why I have involved myself again in his life (after swearing not to anymore because the stress and pain and worry about his dying would affect my parents and my niece & nephews), and have reached out to local resources that can help him if he wants it. Hope lets me think maybe, after all this time (15 years of abusing drugs- he has been an addict his entire adult life), maybe he is NOT dead inside, maybe there IS my brother left in there, and not just the monster he became. And lastly, HOPE lets me believe that, even if (realistically this probably IS going to be the outcome), even if things don't change with him and he rejects help, or once again enters rehab and then leaves, continues using, goes back to jail or prison, it leads me to believe that my parents can and will be ok and stop defining their entire lives on "being the failure parents of a drug addict son" (I'm not saying this about them- this is their view of themselves and I hate that of all the wonderful things about my mom & dad- this is what their focus is on).
Thanks
-heather
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Old 10-28-2013, 07:24 PM
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Funny... Several of you mentioned that this post is from two years ago. Well... here I am!

It feels good to note!

I'm still broke as ****, I still don't have much of a career, I'm still single, I'm stil living in the same apartment with a mountain of debt...

But it's MINE now! I don't blame my ex anymore for it, I don't blame my Dad... These are my issues, and even if I haven't figured them out, I feel like I'm on top of it.

It's about MANAGING them, not SOLVING them and they're called "life lessons" not because you learn them and conquer them, but because you have to study them and re-examine them Every. Damn. Day.

God Bless you guys. I don't really know what's going on with me right now, but this feels SOOoooo right and I'm glad I get to share that with you!
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Old 10-28-2013, 07:45 PM
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RECF

After reading your post from two years ago and then reading your post from today it is remarkable to see how strong, secure, and hopeful you are today. It is inspirational to see how you have stood up and taken a hold of your life and embraced it, the good and the bad. your strength is inspirational.
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