Vesna

Last night I relapsed in a big way; I really scared myself. It started with "a glass of wine" at home...which, predictably, turned into four or five, which, predictably, turned into me going out to a bar and having four or five more. I hadn't had dinner, so I got really drunk really fast. Thank heavens I made it home safely, but then I was very ill for a while and have felt horrible all day, and have even been very sick again this evening. The good news is that my binges don't turn into benders because the ghastly stuff makes me so ill...silver lining, right?

As I could've expected, tonight I'm feeling scared, sad, lonely, nauseous, tired, teary, ashamed, fearful of what I might have done or said that I don't remember...and wondering why I've done this to myself again. The physical pain is the least of it...it's the fear and horror brought on by all the "what ifs" knocking around in my mind. I'm a happy person with a great family, friends, job, pets, interests, etc etc. I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me to make me continually do this to myself. I know what's wrong with me, of course...I'm an alcoholic, and that little voice telling me to have "just a glass" is my addictive brain, and I have to learn to ignore it. Clearly, I can't have just a glass, as I've proven time and again.

I know I have to have a plan for not letting it happen again, and I'm honestly not sure yet what that's going to be. I have a few days to figure it out...for the next week I'll be repulsed by the thought of alcohol, but then once I'm feeling healthy and "normal" again, that's when it gets dangerous, and I have to be prepared. I poured out the rest of the wine, by the way, and the smell of it was disgusting.

Thank you all for being here and for listening...I was feeling like I really wanted to tell this to someone, to get it off my chest and move on. It means a lot to know that other folks are going through the same things and winning the battle.