Forgiving myself and starting over
Forgiving myself and starting over
Last night I relapsed in a big way; I really scared myself. It started with "a glass of wine" at home...which, predictably, turned into four or five, which, predictably, turned into me going out to a bar and having four or five more. I hadn't had dinner, so I got really drunk really fast. Thank heavens I made it home safely, but then I was very ill for a while and have felt horrible all day, and have even been very sick again this evening. The good news is that my binges don't turn into benders because the ghastly stuff makes me so ill...silver lining, right?
As I could've expected, tonight I'm feeling scared, sad, lonely, nauseous, tired, teary, ashamed, fearful of what I might have done or said that I don't remember...and wondering why I've done this to myself again. The physical pain is the least of it...it's the fear and horror brought on by all the "what ifs" knocking around in my mind. I'm a happy person with a great family, friends, job, pets, interests, etc etc. I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me to make me continually do this to myself. I know what's wrong with me, of course...I'm an alcoholic, and that little voice telling me to have "just a glass" is my addictive brain, and I have to learn to ignore it. Clearly, I can't have just a glass, as I've proven time and again.
I know I have to have a plan for not letting it happen again, and I'm honestly not sure yet what that's going to be. I have a few days to figure it out...for the next week I'll be repulsed by the thought of alcohol, but then once I'm feeling healthy and "normal" again, that's when it gets dangerous, and I have to be prepared. I poured out the rest of the wine, by the way, and the smell of it was disgusting.
Thank you all for being here and for listening...I was feeling like I really wanted to tell this to someone, to get it off my chest and move on. It means a lot to know that other folks are going through the same things and winning the battle.
As I could've expected, tonight I'm feeling scared, sad, lonely, nauseous, tired, teary, ashamed, fearful of what I might have done or said that I don't remember...and wondering why I've done this to myself again. The physical pain is the least of it...it's the fear and horror brought on by all the "what ifs" knocking around in my mind. I'm a happy person with a great family, friends, job, pets, interests, etc etc. I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me to make me continually do this to myself. I know what's wrong with me, of course...I'm an alcoholic, and that little voice telling me to have "just a glass" is my addictive brain, and I have to learn to ignore it. Clearly, I can't have just a glass, as I've proven time and again.
I know I have to have a plan for not letting it happen again, and I'm honestly not sure yet what that's going to be. I have a few days to figure it out...for the next week I'll be repulsed by the thought of alcohol, but then once I'm feeling healthy and "normal" again, that's when it gets dangerous, and I have to be prepared. I poured out the rest of the wine, by the way, and the smell of it was disgusting.
Thank you all for being here and for listening...I was feeling like I really wanted to tell this to someone, to get it off my chest and move on. It means a lot to know that other folks are going through the same things and winning the battle.
Vesna...we have all been in your shoes...you will get lots of advice here. I think by just recognizing the extent of your problem and coming here will save you..all of us in fact! Stick around and forgive yourself...but we can't forget and perhaps shouldnt. We have to change our lives, and that is why we are here.
Vesna, I know exactly how you feel.
The despair and anxiety is overwhelming, and yet, after a few days, the mind starts to wonder if maybe I could manage to have just a couple of drinks.
Know that you never have to go through this again.
The despair and anxiety is overwhelming, and yet, after a few days, the mind starts to wonder if maybe I could manage to have just a couple of drinks.
Know that you never have to go through this again.
I think each time I promised myself I wouldn't drink again and fell back into it I gained strength. I finally "got it" and these episodes stopped. I got so tired of all the drama and turmoil. It was easier to stop and live my life as I was meant to. Not let alcohol control every aspect of it. You can do it, when you've had enough embarrassment, humiliation and sickness like I did. You have to be stronger then that alcoholic voice in your head.
Look into a program of your choice for some support. It really does help.
Best Wishes to You!
Look into a program of your choice for some support. It really does help.
Best Wishes to You!
I know what you mean by feeling normal and then planning on 1-2 drinks, but slipping-up. That's what is so unique and valuable about this site. Talking to people who understand you. It's amazing how many people have stated thoughts that I have been thinking. Yours is one of them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
Thank you for posting this- its amazing how similar we can be in our thinking and behaviors- I could have written this post verbatim about Saturday night. I hope you find what works for you. I'm giving it my all trying to figure out my plan this week. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 270
Last night I relapsed in a big way...
I know what's wrong with me, of course... I'm an alcoholic, and that little voice telling me to have "just a glass" is my addictive brain, and I have to learn to ignore it. Clearly, I can't have just a glass, as I've proven time and again.
I know what's wrong with me, of course... I'm an alcoholic, and that little voice telling me to have "just a glass" is my addictive brain, and I have to learn to ignore it. Clearly, I can't have just a glass, as I've proven time and again.
What I had to do was keep an eye out for any thinking, imagery, or feeling that supports any possible use of alcohol - under any circumstances - ever.
Over time, it got easier to recognize and ignore, but the little voice has certainly come up with some very subtle and very ingenious "plans" which would possibly have led to drinking.
Thank you all, so much. It really does help to know that other people are going through, or have been through, the same thing...I think it helps me realize I'm human and this is really not uncommon. Serious, disturbing, dangerous...but not uncommon.
I think, hope and pray that that episode was bad enough to make me *really* stop...not just for a week or a month until I feel better. But to help me *remember*, down in the pit of my stomach, how I felt yesterday (and still, to some extent, today...I've only been able to eat a little in the past few hours) the next time I'm feeling "bored" and think "just a glass" wouldn't be a problem...it is, it would and it will always be a problem.
Y'all's good people, as we say in the South. :-)
I think, hope and pray that that episode was bad enough to make me *really* stop...not just for a week or a month until I feel better. But to help me *remember*, down in the pit of my stomach, how I felt yesterday (and still, to some extent, today...I've only been able to eat a little in the past few hours) the next time I'm feeling "bored" and think "just a glass" wouldn't be a problem...it is, it would and it will always be a problem.
Y'all's good people, as we say in the South. :-)
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