SwanSong

I just had a friend of mine, she and me have a connection but when she was working out of my office she was married yet going through a divorce. So back then we used to hang out, go out for wine, sometimes smoke a little green, the typical san francisco night out when you're still partying. Honestly, we always had a good time, I never saw her drunk myself nor did I get drunk around her. We just kicked it as friends, so I gained respect for her even though she wasn't living with her soon to be ex-husband. Well she works out of our headquarters now (about an hour away) and the divorce has finalized. So we ended up on ***** messenger yesterday and my goodness, the conversation somewhere along the way went to her talking about doing tequila shots with me and going on a tropical vacation together. I had to just take a deep breath and remind myself that it never, ever, 'ever' changes. It was not disclosed to her that I had quit drinking (and smoking weed) simply because I didn't find it all that relevant for most of our conversation and I do realize she was largely joking but it was a stark reminder of things I'll need to look out for. When I say she was largely joking, she ended our conversation without actually attempting to make any plans at all (which is fine) and she had already told me she's been dating around (to the tune of several guys, mostly off of match.com). Her ex was a high level executive at a large company, she likely has lots of money to play with now. And I know if I wanted to I could have drawn any of her jokes about hanging out into reality.

To be quite honest, there's a lady friend of mine in AA, oh sure to some extent both of these girls are a bit crazy (who isn't? I know I am!) but I definitely find a woman who's trying to live a sober lifestyle much more attractive now . I have no idea if she's dating multiple guys too, I suspect probably not. That's also vastly more appealing than someone who's dating around....(and I'm sure dating around means having sex too- I don't want to become judgmental but I'm just not as interested in engaging in my old behaviors and that means that when I was single, I was largely 'dating around' myself - it was probably 3-4 years since my last relationship).

I will say it was an interesting chat conversation we had yesterday, mostly because I was SO attracted to this woman last year yet we didn't want to do anything until her divorce was finalized. Now that it is, I'm finding myself pulling back because I don't want to jeopardize my sobriety and also I know in my heart of hearts I wouldn't be happy if I started drinking again just so I could be with this woman. I guess I have to remind myself that true happiness doesn't come from outside, and we shouldn't have to change ourselves to be with somebody else....not if we are happy with who we are and how we are living.